Hey this my first time time posting on Reddit and I hope to this right . So I am (26f) and my boyfriend let’s call him Max (26m) have been together since our senior year in college so we have been together for almost 5 years in couple of months. We had a great relationship everyone was happy for us . We had the kind of relationship where people say these two were made for each other. But in February we got in to a huge fight because I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity but it was really far from where we live so i told him I want this job and I am going to accept the offer and he said no because he doesn’t want to go somewhere far away from his family and friends especially when his mom is old and he need to be here for her because she doesn’t have anyone but him. I love his mom to pieces and I have a great relationship with her but this job was my dream job so we fought for weeks until we both agreed we want two different things so we broke up. it was so hard and heartbreaking. I never loved anyone as much as I loved him. Fast forward to the end of September when he called me and told he is right now at the airport in my city and to come pick him up and he said he will explain everything to me when I get there so I did and the moment I saw him I started crying because of how much I missed him and hugged and kissed him. When we got to my apartment he explained everything. Our breakup was hard on him he tried to move on but couldn’t and his mom told him she is okay if she stayed in a nursing home her sister was staying in. I was so happy and I started crying out of happiness because this past months were hard on me I tried to move on, going on dates with other guys and tried other things but nothing worked. We talked all night and I told him I have been with other men in the past months but it was never serious and he said it was okay because he was with other women too. We both agreed it was okay and to never talk about it because it didn’t matter. Oh how was I wrong. About a 3 weeks ago I got back from work and he was home sitting on the couch and his face was pale I asked him what’s wrong. I thought something happened to his mom but no he told me to sit down with a nervous voice, and I was so scared. He told me he slept with one of his childhood friends (26f) when we weren’t together and she just called him and told him she is pregnant with HIS baby. I was quiet from the shock and he begged me not to leave him and he swore he used protection and he is sorry. He cried, it was the first time I saw him crying ever and it broke me I started crying too and I told him I don’t want to break up again because I love him so much. He went back to our home city to talk to her and they agreed to take a paternity test when the baby is born. But she said it’s his baby because she didn’t sleep with anyone but him (according to him they started sleeping together at the end of August and he ended it when his mom told to go after me) and I actually believe her, I don’t know why but i really do and so does Max. I told him I will stay with him because I love him and he got her pregnant when we weren’t together so I don’t blame him. He always wanted to be a father and we talked about marriage and kids we want that for us but now he is going to be a dad but I’m not going to be a mom. I can tell he is happy about the baby and I pretend I am okay but I’m not happy, I’m not okey. Whenever he is not home I can’t stop crying. I hear him talking to her about the pregnancy and when WE are coming to visit, talking about baby names and shit. I can’t take it anymore I feel sad all the time and he is starting to notice and begging me to talk to him . He have been showing me a lot of affection these days I can tell he is scared I am going to leave him . I don’t know what to do I love him more than anything but I don’t think I can handle this . So tell me Reddit what should I do ??
TLDR: me and my boyfriend broke up and after months we got back together and he got a woman pregnant while we weren’t together and I don’t think I can take it anymore and I don’t know what to do .
28 comments
Nobody can tell you what you should do. You need to look deep down in yourself and ask if you’re ok with him fathering another woman’s baby. Keeping in mind that means if your boyfriend is a good person, his hookup is always going to be involved In your life.
Practically though? How can this work if he is no longer in his hometown? He can’t be an absent father. Knowing my partner is an absent parent would be the one dealbreaker to me over actually being a parent with someone else’s kid. And that would go back to interfering with your dream job
What is his plan with being in the kid’s life though, if you guys are far away from your home town, how is he planning on seeing his child? Sorry, this sounds like a mess and your feeling are valid, I’m just thinking on the practical side of things this is going to be a fuck up..
I would go visit someone for a few days and really think about your future, just you. Think about visits, whether he will move nearer to have more time, the cost of child support. Small things like buying presents. The idea that he has done this before and you are not the first, things you cannot now get back and have changed.
If you cannot handle those thoughts then imagine how coping at home alone knowing he is with her and his new baby will be harder for you most likely.
Alternatively you might feel okay with it, be able to cope, have a chid and take both on holiday for example with no issue, their grandparents on his side will be the same for instance so they might go together. But if those thoughts dont work for you then you will have a better idea of how things might go.
You broke up so I understand that you are not blaming him, however that doesn’t change how this has also changed your life and future as well as his, this is a totally different future and you have the right to grieve and think about what you want and you may not want this and that is okay, you are not bad for not wanting to share him and his time with another woman and child.
Whatever you decide please get support as much as possible, this last few months has clearly done a number on your mental health so please look after yourself and take care.
If you stay with him it will be a huge mess and an even greater ordeal if you ever decide to start a family of your own with him. His child’s mother will always be there and he will never be able to devote 100% of his time and effort to either you or your own children.
I know it’s hard but give yourself a fighting chance and find someone else without the heavy responsibilities of children. When you start a family of your own both you and your husband must be pulling in the same direction.
It is daunting but you are young and you can start a fresh with someone else who can offer you their total devotion and priority.
“ I don’t think I can handle it”
I think you know what you need to do.
It’s such a messy situation, were no one is at fault. But if you stay you will have a lifetime of dealing with the consequences of their actions and it’s ok to say no to that.
You do realize the universe keeps putting up obstacles for this relationship to stick, right ?
Just when you thought your major issues for being apart were solved, then this comes along. I wouldn’t ignore these “signs” .
Joke aside, this is a hot mess.
I don’t think I would stay with this man. Instead of focusing on your mutual life ,he needs to shift his attention to the baby he is about to father away from you.
If he doesn’t make this baby a priority,that would make him a shitty father. If he does, that would take away from your relationship. “Damned if I do damned if I don’t ” situation.
Maybe you just need to let him go and move on with your life without him.
I’ll be honest you just need to let go of this relationship. There are times when you love someone but you just aren’t meant to be. You got your dream job, focus on that. Your bf got someone pregnant, he should focus on the baby. You can force yourself to accept this baby but you clearly aren’t happy with it and with time it will ruin your mental health. Now that your bf has a baby his priority will always be the baby if he wants to be a good father. His baby mama will always be there too. It is better to move on. You’ll eventually find someone else and you can start your own family too.
You should not wait on the paternity test – they can do a non invasive one now. Even if she is telling the truth you should “know”. It will help you process.
Outside of that I think you should go to relationship as well as individual counseling. There are a lot of conversations to be had between all three of you about raising the child that are going to come up. A kid is forever and you have to be 100% on board with that as that’s what the child deserves.
It sounds like the relationship ran its course. Let him leave and be with the girl and the baby. It takes more than a few months to get over a 5 year relationship, so just take time off and focus on your dream job.
I wouldn’t have any ability or interest in staying with the guy.
You will never get over this. You will get a realty check when the baby will be born. Believe it or not, he may leave you, once he will see his child. From now on, his fling and the baby will always be part of your relationship. This will be a family triangle.
I would move on because I wouldn’t want to deal with baby mama drama. It’s a mess and I wouldn’t want any part of it.
A break up is easier than dealing with this mess for years/for life! Youre not married & dont have kids together – just leave! Yes, youll be sad but you’ll eventually get over it rather than thia whole human he’s making with someone else! Sorry youre going through this!
I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation. I am afraid that there is no path forward that does not come with heartache and risk. He may be the love of your life, but he is now connected to someone else permanently. He will be constantly returning to your old home for his child’s events and spending time with his former lover. This is a lot of stress on your relationship with him. Some couples make it work, many do not. I think from reading your post that you are in the “not” category.
Focus on you and your peace of mind.
After the test proves he’s the father, let him be the father and unfortunately you move on.
The other woman can have a paternity test done now, she doesn’t need to wait for the baby to be born. He can ask for it to be done now, if it’s his child make the decision once you have the dna results
Updateme!
Yeah you’ll never be able to get over this or fully accept it no matter how much you love him. Eventually, it’ll turn into resentment and jealousy and it’ll end with a fucking catastrophic bang.
You will constantly feel insecure, worried anxious and jealous. You will ALWAYS come second from now on. You realize this right? Because it’s only right. It’s his firstborn baby. You will never come first from now on. Ever. Accept this. Because it’ll make it easier for you in making a decision.
He WILL need to spend lots of time with the baby mama. His baby mama that ain’t you. He has a baby mama. Say it out loud. “He has a baby mama that isn’t me”. You will forever have to “share” him with this friend of his. Which btw… Wow. I’m susprised you could accept THAT fact. That he slept with his friend. That’d be a no go for me.
But here we are.
You are madly in love with this guy. But it’s clearly not meant to be. Shit happens and he’s clearly happy about being a father….. To a child that you’re not the mother of. You will always feel that way, even if you have your own kid with him, it’s not the same. Because he’s done all this with another woman before. Because he already has a firstborn and he got to do all those pregnancy things with someone else before you. Those things grind you down. They matter.
It may sound petty, but the human mind is complicated so you WILL always have petty thoughts about this. And this baby is a “mistake” deep in your heart and the baby is an “obstacle” to your perfect love story. Do you see where in getting at? You can’t control how you feel deep down. But you can control the causes in this case. You’re in for a lifetime of always being second. You will NEVER be first. For a parent, your child and the mother of the child tends to come first.
You’re young and you have no idea what will happen in the future. But you do know how you feel.
Please understand that love isn’t enough to save a relationship. This ship has sailed and sunk. Swim away now before it’s too late.
If you guys stay together there will be moment when he will have to pick his child over you. The child will always come first, not you. You would have to be ok with that and you will never be. Especially since it’s his first child. Something you were “supposed” to bear. Don’t do it honey. You will be miserable.
You are very young. I know you don’t want to hear this but you have so much ahead of you. You’ll find another love.
Just to let you know, you don’t have to handle it.
“ I see how excited you were about the baby and that’s something I wanted to share with you myself. I don’t think I can continue this relationship. I thought I could but I find myself crying every night .I’m sorry… it’s just too much.”
dude, listen. you’re so young and you’re working at job you say you love. yall weren’t apart long enough to have time to be over a 5 year relationship. not being able to handle this does NOT make you a bad person. letting him go back to be near his kid is probably what he needs to do anyway. the people we choose to bring into our lives are the people we can always get over with time. your family.. parents, siblings, and especially your kids are the people that aren’t replaceable. there’s nobody you can’t get over. they don’t exist. and there’s someone out there who you can love and be happy with.. i swear to it. whoever said “absence makes the heart grow stronger” was dumber than a bag of hammers. absence makes us forget. if you can’t handle the situation, cut off contact. giving yourself small doses of him by talking and texting is just going to make getting over him harder. you’ll have a lot of rebounds and you’ll probably have guys who get more attached to you than you do to them at first. but one day it’s going to click with someone. again, i swear it’s true. don’t beat the shit outta yourself for this. it…does…not…make…you..a…bad…person…if…you…bail
good luck.
I was in a similar situation. My bf left someone pregnant 5 months before we got together. The girl told him when he was about to give birth that the baby could be his.
We stayed together for a while, the baby was born, he took a paternity test and it was his. He decided to be present in the life of the baby. At first I was also thinking I could handle it.
But I couldn’t. Every weekend he wanted to see the baby, to spend time with her. He was always in contact with the mother of the baby, sharing photos and so on. He never wanted us to go on longer vacations because he had to be available for the kid.
And I was always sad and I knew that this is not how I wanted the rest of my life to look like. On top of that, I don’t want or like children, and the presence of his baby annoyed be.
Now after many years I am in a relationship with a great man, no kids and no drama involved.
If he is absolutely positive he used protection, the first thing , the very first thing to do is to ascertain paternity. Getting all worked up and choosing names for a child that potentially could not be mine is waaay jumping the gun. He’s putting so much on the line here and doesn’t even know if the baby is his… or does he?
Girl I would pack my bags and leave. You know what you want to do. Also, I have to add, which I think is what you’re feeling ..I would hate to know I’m with the right person that I want to be with for the rest of my life and that his first child is coming from someone else and not from me. It would build up so much resentment in me so I’d be out of there quicker than you can say “out”
It is what it is.
You should break up.
You will find someone else where you can experience parenthood… together.
I am really sorry.
Absolutely NOT girl. Have some self respect and boundaries and leave him. You’re going to play step mom to his childhood best friend who he stupidly now has a child with? For what? You’re not engaged. You’re not married. The MOMENT he told me he got someone else pregnant, the relationship is over. Why is this even a question.
I’m not saying he or she is lying, but shit happens. He needs to DEMAND a paternity test now. They can do a prenatal blood test to determine paternity, and he needs to make sure results are sent to him as well as the baby momma. Knowing if the child is his will make the decision easier.
Walk away. You are only 26.
Cut the cord. You are already resenting him. Just dont be surprised if he marries her after you two break up.
The fact that he stayed with his mom over you says a lot. He only went back to you when his mother let him go. Now a child?? Girl, you will be competing for that affection, time and love even though you dont want to. A part of him knows it his because he’s already making plans to be part of the kid’s life