Hi everyone. First off all I (31M)wanna start this off by saying my Gf (25F) is not fat at all. This is what upsets me the most.
I met my GF almost a year ago and we started hanging out everyday and got serious. I used to be in OK shape and was working to that when i met her but once she came into my life the Gym stopped.
Me and her both like to eat and within the next 7 months we both but on about 20-25lbs. Shes 5″6 and weighd about 155. I met her at 135. I love her and i love her weight the problem is now she doesnt want to dress up or go out cuz none of her clothes fit her. She breaks down crying cuz her size 5/6 pants dont fit and all she wants to do is stay in PJs.
She told me she wanted to go to the gym. Its been about 6 times that we come to the gym for about 2 or 3 days and then she complains shes sore or that shes tired and stops until she tries on clothes a week or two later and nothing fits.
She tries dieting but gives up after a few days. So im at a witts end. I love her and i wanna support her but im not sure how to a convince her shes beautiful or convince her to go to the gym for herself.
Any advice would help.
25 comments
Honestly, this is the kind of problem that doesnt go away.
Some people cannot self actualize and actually take the steps they need to fix their own problems. Even when handed the solution, they self sabotage. You need to figure out if this is the kind of person you can soend the rest of your life with
I think being her partner and encourager at the gym would be helpful. Say that your gona go and ask if she’ll support you and come. This will take her shift off of her gaining weight and more on a life style change. Also cooking dinner and encouraging healthy choices will make things a lot easier too.
aw man. I do understand what you are saying but gosh I feel for her. As a women I know what this feels like. Yes she does need to take control of this but most likely the depression and insecurity is in the driver seat. it’s hard to come out of. remember food is important for weight loss!! the gym is only like 30% effective. maybe try cooking with her and making healthy food fun together!! me and my bf do this. we even juice together like weirdoes and we love it!! Eating healthier motivates you to work out because body and soul align!
Myfitnesspal is a really great tool to use to track calories and macros. I’d be lost without it honestly but I think it should only be used when in the right mindset. It’s easy to want to restrict too much and later on end up binging. A healthy weight loss mindset is key. It has to come from a place of love not hate. Which is hard to do when you hate the way your body looks. You don’t need a huge caloric deficit to lose weight. A 200 calorie deficit a day will help keep more lean muscle as opposed to cutting like 500 calories a day. Abs are made in the kitchen. Diet is like 90% of it. Just being more aware of the things you’re eating and how much of it can really make a huge difference. Try that and add in some cardio you can do together. You could try jogging. That’s something you can do just about anywhere and it’s free. I think just keep encouraging her to get some exercise and keep supporting her too. Tell her you see her effort and you’re proud of her. Weight-loss doesn’t happen overnight. It’s going to take time and effort. You will both need each other. I wish you both the best!
A lot of the time people won’t stick at the gym unless they really want to. But if she’s crying about her weight I’m going to suggest you push harder to keep going. She may lack motivation or have anxiety related to going, but the soreness will pass and she will appreciate the results. Take the lead, go with her and lift.
You can think she looks fine all you want. She gained weight with you and she’s unhappy about it. You telling her she looks fine will only temporarily make her feel better then she’ll resent you for it later. She’ll know it’s wrong but still blame you for her weight and complacency.
Obviously we’re not all the same, but I was in a similar situation where she needed me to take a stronger hand in helping her back in shape. She even said she needed to be pushed harder. I thought she looked great and would find her way back into the gym when she was ready. I’d invite her but not much more. She ended up irrationally resenting me and that’s one of the reasons we’re ex’s now.
Wow, that’s so weird. I am also 5’6, gained weight and went from 135 to 155, felt like absolute shit at that weight just like your gf, and within the last year lost about 20 pounds.
When I was at 155 it was particularly difficult, because my entire life I had been average to skinny. For her, she is just slightly past the cusp of being “overweight” according to the internet. So, if she has been an average weight her whole life, this may be a really difficult weight for her to be at, because what she looks up online might be telling her she is overweight.
There actually was a noticeable difference in appearance and feeling with that weight change for me – so I understand why she is extra upset at this time.
What I needed from other people WAS NOT for them to compliment me, help me, or really anything. Dont waste your breath trying to help, just simply say “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything you want me to do to help?” That’s all you can do, the rest is on her.
Now, how I actually lost 20 pounds was like this:
1. I healed my mindset and relationship with food/body. Believe it or not, but calling myself skinny and healthy every single day actually did it for me. As I did that, my subconscious mind changed, and thus my behavior changed without even really trying. I started:
– drinking only water, herbal unsweetened teas, and black coffee.
– stopped eating when I was full and saved leftovers in Tupperware
– only eating a nice bite or two for dessert instead of an entire thing
– would feel yucky if my meals weren’t veggie-based and healthy
– ate less overall and rarely had binges
– watched a lot less TV (as this time I snacked the most)
Like your girlfriend, I don’t really like workouts or diets. I walk a lot and dance to myself and hike sometimes. Losing 20 pounds all came from changing my relationship with MYSELF first and foremost, but also with food. There was no change in activity levels.
Setting goals and timetables. And then slowly increasing them over time.
You can’t run a marathon without training.
So her being sore and losing her momentum is because she’s going too hard too fast.
Have her try the app FitOn. It has varying levels of difficulty and tracks her excercise. Encourage starting with two days a week at the gym and once a week nightly walks. And do this as a challenge together. Then when she “doesn’t want to go” you tell her you both did this challenge together and she’s gotta do it.
Start with at least a month of two days a week and then move to three
Then four
Then five
Over time it will become part of her routine and then she will have her brain in a more pleasant spot.
The exercise is for her brain more than it is for losing weight. She needs the brain stimulation.
I’m a personal trainer and my guess is that your girlfriend is trying to find a quick fix that doesn’t exist, so she tries too hard, then gets discouraged and gives up, I’ve seen that a lot with clients. Your girlfriend needs to tackle one thing at a time and start small.
Since nutrition is more important for weight loss than exercise, I’d start there. If you guys are ordering takeout several times a week for example, I’d aim for reducing it to once a week until it feels easy, then maybe additionally aim for eating veggies at two meals a day, then three, etc.
Providing nutritional guidance is out of my expertise though, so please don’t follow this to a T, it’s just an example of building consistency. You can apply this same method for the gym.
buy her new clothes 🙂 !!!
I dont know if this is gonna Work for her, but what helped me was to clean out my closet.
I tried loosing weight in different ways and nothing really worked for me.
Then one Day (when i was in a good Mood) i decided to try on everything in my closet from underwear to fancy dresses and bag Up All the stuff i couldnt fit and put it away, to dig Up again for when i loose the weight at some point.
It was such a relief trying to pick out clothes, cause i knew wouldnt be dissapointed by not being able to fit something.
Surely i only had 1/4 of my wardrobe left, but at least i finally wanted to dress Up for nights out
Maybe its Worth giving that a try.
*Sorry for Spelling mistakes, not a native english speaker and my autocorrect is in another language
It took 7 months for the weight gain to occur. And she’s looking for it to come off in a couple of weeks. That’s just not possible.
I’d also suggest therapy while she navigates losing some weight. She needs to learn to love herself first and foremost. I can see this could easily turn into an ED or body dysmorpbia.
What have you tried to help motivate or encourage her so dad? Consider offering to support her efforts with meal prep, or building beginner workout plans for her, etc. Also, definitely workout with her and make it a goofy, fun thing.
Awhile back, my wife said she wanted to start working out and I made the mistake of being WAY too intense about it, which turned her off from it being an “us” thing. Lesson learned and we’ve since found the right way to do it, but that’s something to be aware of as well.
I don’t ask that with judgement or anything, just curious what you’ve tried. The impetus obviously has to be on her in the end, but she’s definitely going to need some loving support and encouragement.
get her some new clothes that fit
I hate traditional exercise, i.e. gym classes, running, etc. I prefer dancing, hiking, swimming, i.e. things to me that seem like fun rather than a workout but actually give you a workout. Maybe ask your GF what she likes to do for fun and create a ‘workout’ out of that.
Wanting to change something and being unable to is very common. You’re getting a lot of practical advice about diet and ways to encourage exercise, but there are other factors that can come to play like depression, outside stressors, gut health, neurotransmitters all influencing mood and motivation/consistency. It’s not a matter of her “just sticking to it” or “getting over it”, it’s a matter of how she is able to cope right now. And it’s not her fault!
Right now I don’t have massive cravings for carbs, and I’m able to exercise 4x a week- but this is NOT always the case, and it depends on a lot of different factors for each person.
Thank you for wanting to be understanding of her frustration, and for supporting her.
What you’re doing is really good. I want to give you some perspective so you can manage your expectations. She has a lifetime of people and media telling her that women of a certain weight/size aren’t beautiful, directly and indirectly. It takes a lot of confidence in oneself to ignore all that messaging a world that really hates confident women (seriously, look at all the products marketed to women that exploit some sort of insecurity). Hearing your compliments won’t be an immediate fix, but it will help. Be patient. You can’t build her confidence for her but having your support will make it easier for her to build up herself.
Gyms can be intimidating for beginners. It takes a while to find one that fits and takes a while to get comfortable and feel like you belong instead of an imposter that everyone is looking at and judging.
It sounds like she may not have realistic expectations. Being sore after a workout *is* the point. If she’s never really experienced that, it probably feels wrong to her. It takes a while to recalibrate the body mind connection. Remind her that the soreness means she’s actually working out and building muscle. More muscle raises the metabolism. And as a reminder, it is impossible for a women build muscle as fast or as large as a man can. She won’t look “bulky”, she’ll get toned. Rest days are important. If she’s completely new she can start going to the gym 1 time a week and then after a couple weeks increase the frequency to 2 times a week and so forth until she finds the schedule that works for her. The more she sticks to a schedule, the less sore she’ll get.
For a lot of people gyms are very boring. Having goals really helps but many people just go without a plan and do random stuff and then quit because they aren’t getting results. She may need a goal and a plan to make her gym experience better or she may just not be a gym person.
Incorporating walking together after work is a nice, gentle way to get some exercise in that doesn’t feel like exercise. Trying out different activities or picking up a sport you two can learn and do together is nice (ex. hiking, tennis, rock climbing, etc.).
Personally, no matter if she wants to increase exercise or change her diet, I recommend getting a body composition scan to find out where she is right now. It will also be useful to more accurately calculate how much protein she needs, calories, etc.
Like others have mentioned, diet is the most important. There’s a common saying “abs are made in the kitchen”. She doesn’t need a harsh and restrictive diet. Reducing alcohol and soda can do wonders alone. Personally, I recommend finding what kind of foods/cuisine you two like and trying out different recipes. The Mediterranean diet is considered to be one of the healthiest in the world and there are ton of recipes.
Whatever she chooses, she needs to give it 12 weeks to see any results. Some people respond really well to exercise, some respond really well to diet, most people need a combination of both. Keep in mind some people take longer and that’s ok. Either way, she needs to commit to 12 weeks.
Diet is 80% of weight loss and 20% is activity. You can’t outrun your mouth. I lost 50 lbs doing a low carb diet. Most diets fail because you think you have to cut out favorites. Ditch the cookies, candy, soda, white rice, bread, pasta. Focus on lower carb, healthy foods and get walking.
Love fried potatoes? Fry radishes instead
Love pizza? Try cauliflower crust pizza
Love egg rolls? Google Egg Roll in a bowl.
Eating right!! Big improvement in like 4 weeks for me
I feel a lot of women naturally gain weight around her age and 155 is not unhealthy for her height. Clothes that don’t fit will make anyone upset
“We judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their actions”
She’s judging herself by her intention to get fit, and that is creating a false sense of accomplishment. Even if she doesn’t realize it, her complaining about it is convincing herself she’s doing something about it.
Just be like, “do you want support, or do you want help solving this together?”
She’s definitely aware she’s fat, and is looking for validation. I’d just let it go and change the subject, and if she presses you just go “I think you’re beautful the way you are” and if she turns it into a silly little game by saying “you think I’m fat” just be like “I’m not playing this silly little game”
I don’t want to be one of those “well have you tried” people but… Has she tried intermittent fasting? I ask because I’m 5’6″, and at my heaviest, I was 170lbs. I gave fasting a try, and almost immediately fell in love with it. Without even going to the gym, I dropped 40lbs in about 8 months. It helped with my portion control, and I didn’t feel the need to snack all day. Also, I can’t even put into words how much better I felt. An IF app helped immensely and was gratifying to watch. The weight came off, and even though I haven’t fasted for about a year, it’s STAYED off because I developed healthier habits. I cannot emphasize enough that it’s NOT a diet, it’s a lifestyle. Try it with her! Do it together.
I’m terms of her being sad… She honestly sounds depressed to me. Depression is an absolute son of a bitch, and shows itself in different forms. Maybe encourage her to talk to her doctor, because it could be a bigger issue than just being “sad.” You have to be patient with her, my dude.
Best of luck to the both of you.
Former personal trainer: Wanted to add that it’s not a change of the body, it’s a change of the mindset. By changing one’s mindset to consistently showing up to the gym, rather than focusing solely on immediate results, the physical changes will come in time. Even if it’s slow progress or none at all (if diet doesn’t change), growing stronger and the endorphins exercises provides makes one feel more confident in their own skin.
I think she should just own it for what it is. We all make poor choices. I’ve done it too. I’m actually overweight now. My fault. Now I’m working on fixing it.
Own it. Then destroy it.
Mister, Go by your woman some larger sized clothes! And make her try them on in the store, and tell her how awesome she looks in them. Your words only go so far, it’s your actions that say everything.