Me and my gf have been together for 3 months. Recently she asked who I found hotter in her group of friends. I replied she was the hottest one of course, but that I didn’t appreciate this kind of questions, and that I felt like she was looking for a “wrong” answer to start some drama.
Yesterday we were watching a movie and she started asking if I thought some actresses were hotter than her. Again, I told her that no, I didn’t find them hotter, but I also told her again to stop making those kind of questions. This time I was more firm in my tone and my wording, but not aggressive.
What should I do if she does this again? I don’t tolerate being “tested” or playing games, so I might just call it quits. However I think that might be an overreaction.
TLDR: gf is asking annoying trap questions
34 comments
My dad always said, “If you don’t like the answer, don’t ask the question.”
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>What should I do if she does this again?
Just redirect and tell her that you think she is beautiful and hot. If she can’t let it go, I agree that it might be better to cut her loose.
All of us are entitled to our own private thoughts about this or that. That doesn’t mean we don’t love our partners or don’t find them attractive.
She is shit testing you.
And yes that is inappropriate. She is clearly insecure and constantly looking for reassurance is exhausting. Wanting to feel wanted by your partner is healthy, but constantly needing validation is dysfunctional.
Talk to her about this, pull it out at the roots ASAP.
If she asks this question again, I would have a conversation about the root of the question rather than the question itself.
“[Her name], I’ve said a couple times that I don’t like these questions and they make me uncomfortable. Why do you keep asking me this?” If she says it’s just a question and it’s not that serious, then reiterate that if it’s not serious you need her to respect that you don’t like these questions. If she says it’s because she feels insecure and wants reassurance, tell her that you would prefer she ask for that directly instead of testing you.
If she continues to ask even after all this, then I would say it’s completely fair to move on since she’s not respecting your boundaries.
You clearly know it’s not about who you find hot, it’s about her insecurity. Next time she asks, I would say, “Have I done something that has made you feel like you’re not my #1?” and if she says no, ask her what else has happened to make her feel this way. If it keeps going, tell her that you trust her but it feels like she doesn’t trust you. And that’s hurtful.
Answer her question with an answer she won’t like. She won’t ask the question again.
Keep doing what you’re doing and not answering. I told my first girlfriend which of her roommates I thought was the most attractive and she didn’t forget it for the 4 years we were together. Secure people don’t ask you those kinds of questions.
Clear sign of immaturity. I wouldn’t play this game if I were you.
I’m a petty fucker. Straight away I’d be answering “well they are obviously a lot prettier but I can’t get them so I got you”.
I’ll comment here as a former young and insecure girl who’d ask these questions or questions of this genre. It seems like you’ve handled this very level headed and stayed consistent with your answers which is great. I see a lot of people advising you to respond telling her the other women are “prettier” etc. I’d advise against that, if you really care for your girlfriend and respect her you should handle her questions with compassion and firmness. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to have these insecurities. They can be so overwhelming at times where even the most well adjusted individuals cannot control them. Sometimes its actually beneficial to voice our bizarre thoughts and insecurities because then they hold less power over us. I would recommend sitting your girlfriend down and explaining how uncomfortable/stressful you find these questions whilst also giving her the opportunity to confide her insecurities with you and perhaps you guys can develop a healthier way for her to talk about these with you. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable to discuss them and so is seeking that conversation and validation in other ways. I hope this helps x
What is her response when you say you won’t entertain these questions?
Honestly, there will always be people hotter and it’s ok to find them attractive, not appropriate with friends/ family tho! Maybe next time, if it’s a film, say what you honestly think and ask her the same back, make it fun and flirty, me and my guy regularly talk about hotties and have great dirty talk about fantasies
>What should I do if she does this again?
She is either super-insecure, or, as you said, looking for some reason to start some drama.
There is no good reason for her to be asking, as it puts you in a no-win situation. You were right to tell her that these questions bother you, and in asking her to stop asking them.
The next time she asks, say to her:
“I asked you TWICE to stop asking me these questions, and here you are doing it again. WHY?”
Tell her that ignoring this boundary shows a lack of respect, and without mutual respect there can’t be much of a relationship.
THAT should get her back on track. If it doesn’t… well, that’s a larger problem, one which may doom the relationship.
Instead of waiting until the next time (and there WILL be a next time), set aside some time to have a conversation about it now.
“Picklebottom, recently you’ve been asking me questions about who I think is hot. I told you that I don’t appreciate those kind of questions, but I want to ask you WHY you’re asking? ”
Then see what she says. Don’t fill in the silent gaps – just let her answer. You might find out that she has a history of being cheated on. Or one of her friends recently got cheated on. Or maybe she’s just bug-slap crazy. But having a conversation about it will give you some direction.
Just to throw a spanner in the works, there’s a chance she’s trying to float the idea of a threesome and get that convo started. This is usually how it’s done.
If not… just say “I don’t answer questions like that” and she’ll eventually get the message and stop (consciously or unconsciously)
It sounds to me like she is feeling insecure and wants reassurance, not that she’s playing games or trying to pick fights
She sounds very insecure (coming from someone who is very insecure). Also gives off some self sabotage vibes. Relationship is new, I’d sit her down and say those kinds of questions bother me, could you please stop? You could also inquire why. It’s possible she just needs a reality check, but if she continues after you’ve seriously asked, big red flag.
Overall, she just sounds very insecure and it’s not your responsibility to adapt your life to cater to her
Listen, say ” I don’t grade women that way, a woman’s attractiveness is intrinsically linked to her personality. I can’t say how hot these women are without talking to them. You’re the whole package. What’s making you feel insecure?”
end it my guy. thats toxic af
Idk, i think you actually overreacted a bit.
Yes, she might be playing games or feeling a little insecure. And certainly you chose a reasonable option to avoid talking about how hot her friends are.
But it makes you uncomfortable to say a super-model or A-list actress is attractive? That’s not a knock on your GF. Plenty of relationships can handle it.
I’m not as confident as other posters you are really navigating this smoothly, and idk how your relationship is doing outside of this somewhat silly situation. We shouldn’t overread into your GF’s comments, she could be trying to be playful or add a romantic spark etc. Its not obvious she is super insecure or anything.
And what do you mean you don’t tolerate any games? Sounds pretty intense. Flirting and teasing is part of many romantic relationships.
Setting boundaries is fine but outlawing fun sounds boring.
“I feel like this question is a trap and I’m just not comfortable with it. I hope you understand my awkward position.”
Have you thought of approaching her with compassion? You don’t have to, and firmly letting her know that you don’t want to answer these questions is fine. But this can deepen your intimacy.
“You’ve asked me this a few times recently. How do you feel when you ask this question?”
“I’m interested in where this question comes from for you. Can you tell me about that?”
“I feel uncomfortable when you ask this, but I know you care about me and that’s not your intent. Can we talk about how to resolve this? It’s clearly an issue between us.”
Just keep being vigilant, never answer those kind of questions honestly even when she is 80 years old. Great lesson for a man to learn at 23 y,o.
It sounds to me like she’s just insecure and needs reassurance, I think breaking up for that might be overreacting.
Yeah, don’t answer that question. I’d just politely but firmly insist that this isn’t a question you’ll answer. Either “Don’t ask if you don’t want to one day get an answer you don’t like” or simply “Nah, we’re not going there. Anyways, so about the…”
Comparisons are dumb and don’t work. She needs to get past this and stop.
Hey, this isn’t always the case, but if you like her and feel something special about her you’ll be patient and understand that she might be insecure or is making sure you find her attractive, she sounds younger and less sophisticated so maybe shes still figuring things out.
If its really a turn off and you dont like it just end it, otherwise give people a little more understanding. My boyfriend was understanding towards my insecurities and eventually I became more confident and more fun, thanks to him.
She needs a reality check on life but in a kind way. The next time she asks you could kindly tell her that you find her super hot and also you’re really attracted to her because you love/care for her, know her amazing/cute personality, she smells so sexy and you love that she does this or that which makes you feel amazing. There’s always going to be some actress or random person who is technically better looking, but life and love and attraction are about much more than that. There’s a reason why you chose her and its partly her looks, partly all these other things, so it’s unfair of her to ask you to make comparisons.
She needs to hear from you a lot that you think she’s the most beautiful / attractive girl for you. Sadly, she is a very insecure girl. I see some issues rising from this – jealousy, lack of trust, because she constantly thinks you think someone else may be better for you. You need to talk to her and assure her if you want it to last.
Sign off immaturity and sound like a test/trap. Either play the insecure child games or end it
I might be playing devils advocate here but honestly there is no harm in just going along with it, like its really not that deep and you know what she wants to hear so whats the big deal.
Just wanted to say you’re handling this very maturely
You: “Yes, next question.”
Her: “If I’m an ant, would you still love me?”
Why do you think she’s looking for drama?
She sounds like she’s insecure and just looking for assurance. Just be kind to her and tell her she’s the hottest/most beautiful girl.
“I like you, but I am not playing this immature bullshit, and you need to knock it off or find someone who is immature enough to put up with it.”