My husband and I have been married for a year now, dated for a year and a half before that and have known each other for a total of 4 years.
My husband has a habit of lying about the smallest things (started about a month into our marriage) and it was generally inconsequential and I always made excuses for him that he just didn’t remember things the right way. But now I’m starting to loose my trust in him and I don’t know what to do about it.
It’s usually not even about anything important. Sometimes it’s like he doesn’t even hear what I’ve said. For example, I asked him to go pick up our order at the grocery store on his way home from work and he swears up and down that I never told him about. Sometimes, it’s like he misremembers things or has misunderstood what I said. From example, I told him that I was fine handling the morning chores on my own but now he says that I told him that I told him that I don’t need his help with chores at all during the weekdays. For the longest time, it’s always been about stuff that one of us has said in conversation and it’s never been anything major.
But lately (in the last couple of weeks) I’m starting to realize that he does it with things other people say. I was telling him that he often makes decisions on his own and only tells me at the very last minute. He then said that I did that same thing and that my mother told him that I was thinking about buying a house and I still hadn’t told him about it. I told him that was impossible because I own the house we live in and I’m still paying it off. It would be extremely stupid for me to buy another house right now. My mother knows all this and I was adamant that she couldn’t have said that. He accused me of not believing him so I said I would talk to my mother about it. Well, today I spoke to her and she confirmed that I was right. The topic of buying a house came up because my husband was thinking about buying property around where my parents live and my mother had mentioned that I’d done my research when I bought my house and would probably be able to give him a lot more information about the area than she could.
So now, I’m at a loss. I don’t know how our communication has broken down to this extent and I don’t know what to do about it. I also can’t stop wondering what else he’s lying about or misrepresented. I feel the urge to record everything he says now. I know I should give him the benefit of the doubt here but it’s hard when the instances just keep piling up. I’m just wondering, am I making this a bigger deal than it is? How do I approach him about all this? I’ve mentioned in the past that I absolutely hate it when he lies to me and he never takes accountability for it.
37 comments
People “forget” things when they aren’t important to them. He has grown accustomed to lying in order to avoid confrontation, is that something you want to live with. For me, it would be a dealbreaker as you can never trust anything these types say, as they would lie to save them 2 seconds of heart ache or hide something big just as easily.
Does he have a hearing problem?
It sounds like he’s starting to gaslight you. Be on your guard, it gets worse.
People that lie about the small things will lie about big things and then say as an excuse “but I only lie about the small things” NO you’re only CAUGHT lying about the small things
Kinda feel like he’s either distracted or can’t actually hear what people are saying.
I am surprised that you are just now discovering this about your husband. Did you see this while you were dating and just did not realize the scope?
Either way this obviously has now shown itself to be a huge issue for you. as you stated in your post, you simply cannot take anything he says as true any more. I cannot speculate from your info if this is due to some neurological issue, a learned behavior, or some kind of sinister plan. I think that couples counseling is a must if you want to stay in the relationship. His reaction to this suggestion and what comes out in counseling should help you with your decision. If he flat out rejects counseling, then you will need to decide if you want to continue in the marriage. I would expect thinks to get very tense without changes.
Never attribute to malice that which is easily explained by stupidity. Could be he’s not really paying attention, selectively hearing part of what is being said, and he’s remembering the most convenient part.
When you need him to do something, make him repeat it back. If he gets annoyed, say, “just trying to avoid misunderstandings later. So let’s recap, what’s the plan?” You can also text him “don’t forget groceries, thanks 😊”
As for your mom, it’s still possible that he distractedly heard part of the conversation “OP researched houses to buy” and not other parts “back when she bought the current house.” I’d avoid accusing him of “lying” and go with “misunderstanding.” It’s less accusatory and more likely to result in him paying more attention.
But if he keeps it up or it gets worse, hearing test and then therapy.
Is he buying another to rent out or is he planning to leave you? My partner got obsessed with Canada for awhile and it turned out he was planning to leave me and go and live with his ex there. He was so distracted and irritable for those months and I remember being gaslighted by him.
If he lies about even little things where telling the truth is merely inconvenient, I guarantee you it’s a compulsive behavior and he also lies about big ones.
Don’t wait until he gives you an STI, spends all your money on another woman, or brainwashes you into not being able to trust your own perceptions.
Get a lawyer, get the paperwork set up, quietly move your valuables and personal belongings as well as any assets that are yours to a place where he can’t reach them, and once you’ve done all this serve him with divorce papers (preferably at work). Do not warn him in advance because he’ll just use the heads up to manipulate and gaslight you further.
Get out NOW and don’t look back.
“”Lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence, you have to practice constantly.”..Elim Garak
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OP please please please make sure your BC is working, you definitely do not need to add a child to this mess.
My paranoid side thinks he’s trying to make you think you’re having mental problems, for any of several reasons that none are good for you and a couple that are dangerous for you. The other part (very small) is thinking he’s the one having mental problems.
My suggestion is the next time he does this is to turn it back on him ” hunny have you made that Dr’s appt you promised you would, your memory problems are getting worse”
“How could you possibly think I said that, you really need a checkup to find out what is wrong with your memory”. When he gets upset and claims he’s not then “that’s what you said the last 2 times we had this discussion, should I make the appt for you?”
My reddit fueled suspicious side is wondering if he’s cheating and trying to set you up for claiming you’re imagining something if he slips up on hiding the affair. “There you go imagining things again.”
The basic part of the whole thing is how do you know where the lies stop? How can you trust anything he tells you? How do you know he’s not telling others that you’re forgetting things and having memory problems, setting you up for some mental health claims?
Is your house now worth a lot more than what you paid for it? Is he on any paperwork for the house? What happens to the house if you’re declared mentally incompetent? Do you have a prenuptial that keeps him from getting the house if you divorce?
Edited later – OP my really paranoid side is waving it’s hand and wondering if he is saying anything to your friends about “your memory problems”. If so it could be him setting up a mental health claim to get control of your finances or to claim you’re imagining things if you catch him cheating ( did I mention if you read enough on reddit you realize how devious some people can be).
Start texting him instead of telling him. Then you have proof that you really DID tell him whatever it is you want him to do.
oooooohhh this sounds very very very very bad. I’m 100% certain that if you bring this up with him he will (a) be horribly defensive; (b) deny deny deny; and (c) engage in whataboutism (“but YOU say xyz which wasn’t true bla bla bla).
I don’t knwo why he’s doing this. I’m not sure if it’s deliberately to manipulate you or if he feels ashamed about expressing what he really wants, or ashamed about forgetting things? Are his misrepresentations EVER in your favor (or no one’s favor) or always in his?
Does he drink alot? When I was drinking I behaved like that. I believed in always protecting myself and people didn’t have the right to know what I was doing. Luckily I was single. When I got sober, it stopped. I was more honest.
It is a behavior and usually there is a root cause for a behavior. I would start talking to him. However if he doesn’t want to deal with it, you can only do what you can do. I think it is nearly impossible to deal with a life partner who does this.
After dealing with the same thing I promise that this is the exact type of person you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with.
It’s practically baked into his personality and reality at this point: lie to get by, lie to avoid confrontation, lie to make things go smooth for himself, lie at every possible chance. It’s probably from childhood and it’s not going away.
He will just insist it’s not lying. It’s him forgetting, it’s meaning something else than what he originally said, it’s having a different interpretation of events, it’s you misunderstood him and you weren’t listening. but nope he’s never lying of course.
Suggest specialized therapy to him along with couple’s therapy if you want a years long fixer upper project just to keep him around. Or leave and find someone without a deep personality issue.
If they can lie about the small, stupid things, they’ll lie about the big things. This only gets worse. Either reconsider your marriage or prepare yourself for a very miserable marriage full of secrets and tension.
The fact that it started a month into marriage is rather alarming. You aren’t making a big deal out of nothing – it is not normal to be lying to your partner repeatedly. He is dooming the relationship to fail.
It could be compulsive lying brought on by stress, or gaslighting to intentionally confuse you. I would be on high alert for other behaviours that support abuse, like isolation.
IMO, lie about the small things = eventually lie about the big things. Your either authentic or your not. People who act out of expediency are not solid.
I heard a response for something like this that blew my mind.
Op…next time it happens don’t argue. Stop what you’re doing, look at him calmly and say. “I know we had this conversation, so either you’re lying or you’re having mental health problems and we should see a doctor.”
Say nothing else. When he tries to argue (which he will because this sounds deliberate). Stop and say…”I’m going to look into doctors to figure this out.” Say nothing else. Rinse and repeat…”let’s talk to some professional, I’m really worried about you.”
Turn it on him. Make it so you seem worried and need to get a medical ct scan. Let your imagination wild.
Eventually he will get the picture or double down.
My ex husband has ADHD…this sounds very familiar
I’d end it. Habitual liars are honestly some of the worst people to have around you. To have them as a life partner is even more detrimental in the long run.
Either he has some sort of brain damage/ mental illness/ tumor or he thinks you’re trapped so he can start the abuse.
Well is he lying or could he have a cognitive issue with memory loss or remembering things differently than they are. You said all of this started a month after your wedding. Did he hit his head or in a car accident. Just seems odd that he would start to do this after 4 years that you have been together.
He lies because it benefits him. Don’t need to help with morning chores? Ok, he won’t do any chores. Please take care of yourself. This behavior is disrespectful on his part, and it sounds like it’s not going to change.
You live in the TWILIGHT ZONE in an episode called GASLIGHT. Either he is a compulsive liar or has mental health issues. I feel for you.
OP, my daughter has borderline auditory dyslexia. I communicate through text or notes. It must be written down or else we would go through what you are experiencing with your hubby. Go have him tested. I always thought that dyslexia was a visual thing. It turns out there are 7 types of dyslexia.
This is classic gaslighting. Every lie pushes things in his favour. You’ll never hear him tell you something that means more work or fewer benefits for him, that’s not a coincidence. The reason you’re so thrown out of balance is because it so blatant you’re questioning your sanity rather than think he’s acting malevolently.
Have you looked up gaslighting? This sounds like what he is doing. Is he selfish in other areas? Narcissists will often lie like this and turn it into something that you have done. Red flags here.
My ex-stepdad was exactly like this. The lies would range from “You never told me to get groceries” to “I wasn’t there when my eldest son was kicked out of the house at 18, that was all my ex wife and I was completely powerless” when he was the one to do it. His son is now 34 and he still claims not to remember being there and kicking him out. He has hearing problems and possibly ADHD so we gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long time. Things only got worse to the point that my mom started doubting her own memories and had to keep a log of things they both said to know she wasn’t losing her mind or memory. He had her conditioned to worry about his feelings first and foremost, and she would feel guilty for questioning him or trying to hold him accountable. He’s an ex now for good reason and her life is so much better without him.
You don’t owe your husband the benefit of the doubt when he isn’t even willing to be honest with you. It would be one thing if he conveniently “forgets” things you say. Still not good but could point to underlying issues (ADHD or hearing) but he’s fully lying about things you know you said. That in itself is a malicious act and is the definition of gaslighting. You are not making a big deal about this, and you’re right to be concerned. I would definitely recommend individual counseling to figure out how you want to move forward. It helped my mom a lot to get a second perspective about the way she was being treated and what her options were for the future. Good luck.
Seems like all the lies you mentioned here are ones that benefit him in some way at your expense. I have an ex like that and it only got worse over time. It nearly drove me insane, because it was like we lived in two different realities. He would insist upon his lies so hard that he eventually seemed to believe them, and would still use them against me years later. Things i said, or didn’t say, the way certain events happened. Always to his benefit and at my expense, leading into painting me as mentally unstable for not remembering right. It was just one factor in what became an entire web of sneakily abusive behaviors.
Edit: there are no magic words you can say to make him stop this
In the house incident he has clearly projected his own situation onto you. He said that YOU’RE trying to buy a new house when clearly he’s the one who is interested in real estate. And although this probably isn’t a secret (I hope you knew he’s thinking about buying a house), evidence of Projecting is a bigger red flag than white lies are. It is something that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or on that spectrum) do. Projecting usually involves emotions in addition to actions, so the question is what reasons was he alluding to you having for wanting to buy a new house? Did he hint that he thought you were doing it so you would have another house and could easily leave him? Because in the case of Projection, that would be a clear sign that he is the one who is actually thinking that. Maybe have a look at NPD and see if anything resonates.
You tell him to quit being a weird lying pos and gaslighter and they he needs therapy or y’all need to reconsider your future.
Tell him you’ll give him a 3 way with the woman of his choosing then completely deny it when he brings it up.
You’re framing it as “lies” but I don’t think that’s what it is. Every single example you give is him mis-characterizing a conversation he had with someone. He’s not lying about things he did or places he goes, he’s simply not relaying conversations accurately.
Probably this is because he’s not actually listening when people talk to him, so either (a) he recreates the conversation in his head later with words he thinks should have been spoken or (b) he doesn’t remember at all and then just claims he was never told. This is a really really common phenomenon. I’m sure there’s some psychology term for it. It may be due to ADHD, or it may be due to something else..
When you’re telling him something important, get him to repeat it back to you, and then text him the same info, ex: “per our conversation earlier, dont forget to pick up the dry cleaning”
Info: do the things he misremembers benefit only him or does he have ever misremember things that would put him at a disadvantage. So using your chores conversation as an example, his “misremembering” gives him a significant advantage. Does he ever cook dinner / take care of a bill, do the laundry when you said you’d do it?
I suspect not, but I feel it might help cast some light.
**My husband has a habit of lying about the smallest things (started about a month into our marriage)**
I really doubt it started then, I’d bet he has been lying since before he met you.