Men, what am I doing to elicit a response such as this “I have a girlfriend” or “I am married.” Here is an example, I started working with a new gentleman and asked him how he was doing and how was his weekend and the first response is “I am married” or sometimes they say “I have a girlfriend. Then they go on and on about it but I have noticed they don’t do this to all women.
I am in my late 40s and this has been happening forever. I don’t want to make men feel uncomfortable or creeped out. Do men do this because they think a woman is ugly and creepy and afraid I am may be interested? Should I stop being friendly or polite? Just because I am single doesn’t mean I am hitting on a man if I am being polite. If I don’t say anything then I am rude and if I say something then they think I am hitting on them. All I want is some polite conversation in a long workday and collaboration. I would like to be in a relationship but I am not expecting anything at all. I have been single long enough to know that simply talking to someone doesn’t mean they like you. I am not a model but an average woman.
Maybe it’s different for people in relationships.
I know many men also experience this reaction from women.
41 comments
I’m a little bit more tactful about this than these guys, but the flirtier you are, the more my speech patterns resemble Columbo.
Men have been asking women why they respond like this for millenia.
There has to be something you are projecting because in all my years of working unless a woman seems flirty no man starts off with those statements.
Are you attractive? Perhaps it’s more of a projection thing. The guys basically see no reason why you would talk to them and fall back on “no trouble please”. Men spend a lot of time being told that their advances (initiating normal conversation) are unwelcomed or criticized for their flirting (engaging in normal conversation). So the default “safe mode” is to head down and pretend that females don’t exist. Doubly so if they already have a partner that’s not so understanding that sometimes social interaction with the opposite sex is a thing that happens.
See your problem is that you showed interest in their lives. Everyone knows that women don’t do that unless they want a relationship. /s
Really though, are you from the South? I know a lot of terms they use from there that come across as flirty in other places. First time a coworker called me darling 🤢
you are pretty vague in your approach, but whatever it is – they are either
*a.) letting you know they are not dipping a pen in the company ink,*
*b.) not allowing a possible “me too” situation,*
*c.) keeping their eyes on the fact its a job – and that puts meat on the table, or*
*d.) making sure you know there are rules in their personal life. That means nothing more than a casual conversation at work.*
we have to be more on guard now days, and because of that we are trying to listen to what we have been told. I applaud this lad and wish him nothing but the best.
Elicit… Not illicit.
Illicit is an adjective describing something that is illegal or not permitted, while elicit is a verb meaning “to bring forth a reaction or response.”
You’re not doing anything at all. Maybe they are married or they have a girlfriend. You just take the rejections and keep moving on like we men do.
Chatty female here that works in a male dominated trade (if I’m allowed to respond)
I usually start with some short question to test their willingness to talk.
Like instead of starting with “how was your weekend?”.
I might first ask
“did you have a good weekend?”
If they don’t want to talk I find a person may say something like
“yup, …. Ughhhh have a good day”
If they do want to talk more, a person might reply with.
“Yes you bet! Went to visit the folks with the kids, and went that new water park! How was your weekend?”
I find it can take men (or just humans) a bit of time to warm up, that’s all.
Mostly speaking to men all day compared to women (generally speaking). I feel like girls are more use to “jumping in” to a conversation. Men I’d recommend to walk before you run in terms of getting to know them.
After time, I do feel like almost everyone has opened up to me. For some people just keeping frequent short duration interactions works better for getting comfortable with you.
Also, my biggest secret is not to force it.
As some sort of last ditch effort (if it’s really bothering me that I’m not vibing with someone).
I may ask their expertise on something they are really good at, and being very specific and direct. And not push it, ya know.
“Hey Jim, I noticed you are the best in the yard at tying insulators on the line. When I’m doing a cross over wrap I notice I can’t get a tight wrap. If I show you what I’m doing, do you think you give me some pointers?”
To keep things crystal clear, I would often mention that I was married the first time I talked to a someone who was spending more time around me/co-worker/whatever.
First sign of _possible_ flirting from someone and I would change it to “very married” and regale them with stories of how wonderful, clever, funny, stunning, smart my wife was to me.
You may not be doing anything wrong OP, you may have just run into a few people who have similar personal policies.
Are you attractive? Are you flirty? Those would be two possible reasons.
Other could be that your workplace had a hard on for sexual harassment and now the men you work with are intentionally being distant with you so avoid the HR trolls.
It definitely means they think they need to make it clear they aren’t interested in a relationship with you. What are you doing to elicit that? Your guess is better than ours. If it happens often it’s surely something about how you’re approaching or interacting with them.
I’ve never ever had anyone say this to me I. This context you are obviously creeping them out
How do they know you are single?
What type of business environment are you in? It could be the guys are playing it safe in this post “Me too” world by avoiding any chance of misunderstanding and therefore stating it outright and therefore feel that their jobs are safer, we’re hearing complaints now about guys being “professionally” with females members of staff whereas friendly with the males, or avoiding being alone in a room with a woman at work etc.
When I was in college, a woman I worked with mentioned a study that concluded many more men than women interpret smiles as flirtatious. Are you smiling a lot when you approach? Maybe you intend to be disarming but they are seeing you as eager. I never saw the study though, maybe it was bunk but if you are approaching warmly you could try being more neutral
*elicit
I don’t like being hit on by clueless women either.
You’re flirting with them.
I’m an attractive woman and have become used to men qualifying their relationship status no matter the context of our conversation. They either want me to know they are single or taken.
It’s a compliment, lady.
I told a guy working behind a counter that I liked his moomins jumper. I was just genuinely being nice, I thought guys rarely get compliments and it was a cool af jumper. He had to drop into conversation he has a girlfriend. I love that for her, proper loyal guy. Although I was in no way shape or form was I coming onto him.
Some men such as myself sadly, who grew up with very little attention from women who now have partners. Will be terrified of interacting with other women especially in unknown places.
The fear could be a few things, fear of being caught talking and angering their partner, potentially doing something stupid, or being a creep.
This is the society we live in. Women do the same thing to men. Everyone is defensive.
1. Maybe they are in happy relationships and naturally bring up their SO a lot 😊
Or…
2. I have a friend who is unaware of how flirty she comes across.
She has a big smile when talking to men (she gets along better with men), does not interrupt eye contact, plays with her hair, laughs at almost everything they say, is complimentary, and is very inquisitive/ curious about their life.
She is attractive.
Are you like my friend?
3. Maybe they’ve been in situations before where their gf/wife got upset over a blurry work interaction and they are trying to avoid that happening again.
In today’s world? I’m expecting a phone/camera filming from somewhere…
Lots of men have had their career/life destroyed for what they believed it was “playful small talk” with women coworkers. So its just better to not risk anything at all by only interacting with women professionally and if needed only.
This almost never happens, when I’ve seen it, its usually an attractive 40 year old divorcee, that’s extremely flirty and touchy but gives off a whiff of desperation especially for taken guys. Guys smell it and nope out immediately.
I’m autistic, and because I’ve been accused of being cold and distant, my overcorrections have sometimes been misconstrued as flirtation. If someone tells me they are married, I usually try to find a way to work my own partner into the conversation, and then turn it to family things. I try not to be offended when this happens and use it as a guide to be less friendly to the males than the women. I also have a shirt that says “I’m not flirting, I’m just nice” because this has happened a lot to me also. I don’t wear it often, but when I do, it usually gets a laugh.
All the other comments AND let’s not forget the #METOO movement. No man wants to lose their job from an unwarranted accusation. You may be a nice person and mean no harm but the “Once bitten, twice shy” saying fits well, here.
Well I’m glad it isn’t just me… but I feel your pain as a man who’s been in your shoes a number of times over the years.
I’m not a flirty person in general, only when I’m on a date, and I’m not touchy-feely, so I’ve always been confused and sometimes even hurt by it. However, I think it’s a combination of factors.
1. Anxious or cynical people read too much into things. I’m not putting this top to ignore our part in it, but I genuinely believe it’s the main factor. Some people are simply inclined to misinterpret friendliness or sincerity from the opposite sex as “making moves”; it might be the person you’re interacting with or a third party convincing them that’s what’s going on. Sadly, many believe people are only friends with the opposite sex if they want to sleep with them.
2. Maybe you’re inordinately friendly? I don’t know if I am, but one of my closest friends suggested I can be at times and that some people aren’t used to it. I don’t mean you’re weird with it, just that you might be friendlier than the average person and this leaves room for misunderstandings.
3. Are you a very sincere person? I am and I definitely think that’s part of it. I try to be nice to people (the important word is “try” – I’m not always successful) and I like helping people, but taking such an interest in others is another quality that leaves room for misunderstandings.
Sorry but I’m married.
When a man meets a woman and he takes her home, they go upstairs hot and heavy and it’s pretty clear they are about to have sex.
But somewhere between the foyer and the top stairs she changes her mind and says, “No”.
Why did she do that? The answer I’ve always gotten from women is, “No means No. You aren’t entitled to an answer. No one is obligated to justify it or explain it and you don’t get to argue against it. ”
My answer is the same. They said no. Leave them alone. No one has to explain anything to you. You are entitled to nothing.
That’s equality. Move on.
Looks like TikTok training has paid off for some women out there lol
Most men are not used to unnecessary freindliness from women (a bit like when a child is overly freindly to a parent, the parent rightly thinks that the kid wants somehting). So when you are freindly and they can’t pinpoint an underlying reason for it, they make sure to establish that they are not interested in dating you, just to be on the safe side.
Men are finally learning from women how to respond to an unsolicited approach.
Hey, if it works, it works. Why leave a functional and effective response just lying about on the floor, unused?
We menfolk are notoriously bad at recognizing if a woman is interested or merely attempting to be friendly. These men appear to be trying to cover their bases, perhaps “just in case”.
You don’t need to do anything. This is becoming more normal as a CYA/defense mechanism that men use to avoid ending up accused of things they didn’t do. It’s the new normal after #metoo. Get used to it. It may be here to stay for a while.
Men in a corporate environment are terrified to give off any indication they may be interested. One wrong word and your career could be destroyed. So this way it cuts off any ambiguity right away.
Women created this environment. Now you get to live with it.
They’re not creeped out. You’re just acting like a woman that is interested in them so they’re protecting themselves. Saying they’re married or have a GF is the least offensive way to tell you to leave them alone.
Men have to be wary of a flirty woman, particularly at work.
A lot of men are opting out of dealing with women altogether. This is likely a reflex response.
This is common in male-dominated fields. Every conversation with a male coworker you haven’t worked with yet, or in awhile, they start off mentioning their SO.
It isn’t you.
Something is msissing from the story