To anyone who was insecure before, how did you overcome it? Share some tips or your journey.

44 comments

  3. It’s a journey.

    Finding out what makes you feel insecure is crucial to the steps you’ll take to change the way you think about yourself.

    For example: Is the insecurity coming from external sources? (i.e parent or partner constantly belittling you).

    Is the insecurity from how you perceive yourself (i.e comparing yourself to others)?.

    My source was my society; most people tie self worth with money and status. I now live in a society that values a person much more than their social status. So I didn’t have to ‘prove’ myself anymore.

    I struggled to decouple my self-worth with a fancy job title, decouple my self-worth from buying a flashy car, clothes or handbags etc.

    Therapy helped me figure out this shift in narrative, where I had to remind myself that I had other achievements, linked to life experiences – moving to a new country, learning a new language, buying a house with my partner, forming meaningful friendships- that these are way more valuable.

    Once I could see these as accomplishments and that I praised myself for forming healthy relationships, having difficult conversations, putting in the hard work to communicate my feelings – I started feeling more content with my life.

    I still have moments of self doubt, but it doesn’t make me feel as insecure, or I don’t feed into these thoughts as I used to.

    Patience and perspective will take you far ❤️

  7. Great question!

    I have always been insecure. Growing up, my self-esteem was so unimaginably low, for many reasons. I was only able to start working on myself when I finished school and university. Our environment matters a lot when it comes to finding our self-worth, and once I started to really choose the people I want to hang out with and the places I want to be at, I started finding myself.

    I was very curious about finding myself, because up until then I didn’t have the chance to do that. So I was really excited! And I started to search for my identity, for the things that made me feel Me. I found that wearing some specific colors made me feel confident (brown, beige, green, etc) and I changed my hairstyle. I started decorating my bedroom with things I truly loved (naked statues, books, posters about social causes).

    The most important thing for me, though, was exploring my sexuality. I noticed that growing out my body hair and showing it off brought me a lot of confidence and made me feel like a Woman (something I barely felt in the past, I always felt like an insecure child). It empowered me. Masturbating and knowing what I like also brings me so much confidence. I started having the courage to go out with guys (I was a very late bloomer when it comes to dating because of my insecurities) and I learned a lot of lessons that made me feel confident. I learned that I like to be more dominating sexually – exploring that side of me was also a big deal.

    Something that also changed me completely was understanding the hormonal changes during the menstrual cycle. There are specific times (lutheal phase) when we feel insecure. Hormones can make us feel insecure. And during that time, when you feel that negative attitude coming, you can stop and thing “Alright, im feeling this way because of my cycle. It will get better in a few days, this is temporary”. It was life changing for me.

    So my advice is: Dedicate time to find yourself. Read books about women’s sexuality. Try different types of clothes and see how you feel your best. Do activities that truly let you feel like yourself. And, above all, be kind to yourself. Understand that insecurity comes from your past and you can overcome it ✨️ ! Good luck 🧡

  8. You have to stop giving a shit what other people think of you.. except it’s constructive criticism. Remember you only get one chance at life. If you don’t show up for yourself.. no one else will.. no one is coming to save you…

  9. When I was insecure, I was in the wrong environments and around the wrong people. Choosing myself and letting go of what didn’t serve me was what made me secure

  11. Trauma therapy to address the root cause. Also raising my standards romantically/sexually so I wasn’t spending as much time around people who made me feel bad about myself.

  12. Started doing almost everything solo. Now I am my own best friend and won’t ever need anyone else to complete me.

  13. As I grew older I became more and more secure. Nowadays I do have self doubts sometimes, but they don’t drag me down anymore.

  14. I stopped dating for awhile and stayed single after two incredibly shitty relationships

    I learned to enjoy myself and had better standards for me and the people I let into my life

  17. For me it comes with maturity and acceptance. Also the people you surround yourself is a very important factor.

  19. This post came in a funny time. I just ended round two of a 1-month situationship and I can feel the inner shift. I’ll respond with regards to the dating realm.

    One of my 2024 resolutions is therapy. I have spent the last two years or so psychoanalyzing myself (I work in mental healthcare so this is too easy) and I’ve come to a point where I can confidently say that I have some deep-rooted issues/traumas that I see as a million disjointed puzzle pieces. I understand how each piece affects me emotionally and physically but I do not know why it does. I can infer but I need help asking the right questions. Therapy is where I plan to put the pieces together.

    To directly answer your question, I am still very very very insecure. This situationship was bittersweet because it was the classic anxious-avoidant trap but after going through it, I feel closer to being secure. I formed very clear non-negotiables; identified and held myself accountable for my own red flags; focused more on how I felt about him/how he made me feel rather than how he felt about me; got over the fear of communicating my needs; and the biggest indication that I’m truly healing…I left when my needs were clearly unmet. What keeps me from feeling fully secure is the insane amount of self-doubt I feel which leads me to abandon my intuition all the time. I knew this man wasn’t for me. He told on himself from the start. I ignored my intuition. So finally ending things, after a reasonable amount of time during which I gave selflessly + communicated clearly + shared vulnerably, was me FINALLY listening to my intuition.

    Therapy will help me trust myself more and I feel that will push me towards being more secure in myself.

  21. Gradually you learn your worth and to prioritise your own sanity and health. Surround yourself with people that love you and put yourself in uncomfortable situations ie socialising, work etc to grow.

  22. Law of detachment
    IDGAF mindset
    Counseling sessions
    Cutting off people are not contributing to my life anymore
    Self development >>>
    Top tier self care

  23. This won’t fix everything (takes time, therapy, lifestyle changes, etc.) but here is a very simple hack for at least feeling briefly more confident in the moment: TAKE UP SPACE. I mean literally. Stand straight with your shoulders back (not hunched). Do this consciously when you walk into a room or interact with people. Make direct eye contact for a full couple of seconds when you say “hello” and give a firm handshake. “Man-spread” a bit when you sit on a couch, and put one arm on the back of the couch. The less you try to make yourself small and unseen, the more confident you will feel.

  25. It was a process for sure. My insecurity came from caring too much. My own standards for myself were too high and always left me disappointed with people because it was not reciprocated. It is a viscous cycle of doing more for people who in the end get used to it and take you for granted. It took a lot of those type of relationships and friendships to recognize the signs of being used again. So as soon as I recognize users in the making I am very swift in my reaction now. The phrase “When people show you who they are, believe them” is permanently tattooed in my brain. No more excuses for people’ s actions. No more retionalizarion of why’s and what’s or what I can do to guide them to the” light”. Nah huh. If your actions suck, then you suck and I don’t deal with people who suck – that is my moto now. It really helps to draw your own moral lines for yourself if what you will tolerate and what you won’t and STICK to it no matter what. It takes discipline like anything else, but is is Very doable.

  26. I was never really “insecure.” Myself about anything just in the relationship aspects I’m prolly the last person you wanna take advice from, but faking it til you make it really does work. I put a mask over my emotions however. XD

  28. Realize that most people who will judge you don’t even like themselves so don’t even worry about them liking you.

  29. it’s not something you can control consciously, but when your subconscious has had enough for real, you’ll feel like you can strengthen yourself little by little

  30. i was not respecting myself. i got therapy and realized that i learned to devalue and disrespect myself from my parents, and was subconsciously seeking out situations where i felt inferior. my friends treated me poorly, people in relationships treated me poorly. with a combination of introspection and therapy and, to be honest, tv shows/music/movies with good themes, i realized that it was up to me to change this. i started seeking out things that made me feel happy and good, and being friends with people who fully accepted and didn’t judge me. there was no need to worry anymore, and i realized that i was worthy of being loved. i stopped talking to people romantically until i met someone that i was certain would respect and treat me well. it’s really hard to stop insecure thoughts from happening. but it’s impossible when people are imposing them on you constantly

  31. It is a daily practice.

    We live in a society designed to profit on our insecurities… whether we admit it or not. Sex sells, more jeans, look like her, this is the standard, etc.
    when we are born, we are children born with confidence and love, then shaped and molded by our parents and neighbors, unknown to us, at a young age we craft the means of our value to what these people expect us to do or say.

    Everyone’s journey to security is different. You have to be vigilant, honest, and adamant about restructuring your mental perceptions.

    If you feel like you’re not pretty enough, find why. Is it the way you look? Who told you that you had to care how you look? Why was their opinion important?
    I tell myself that the people designed to love me will not have a problem with my features, then I tell myself anyone with cruel judgment isn’t worth time in my life.
    When have you ever looked at a puppy and decided it was too ugly to be loved?
    If you find yourself judging others, why? Is it for protection? Then this wormhole becomes bigger- do you judge yourself to protect yourself from being judged by others? And in doing so, how do you train yourself one must be judged at all?

    It’s also rooting your wounds. Most peoples wounds come from their needs not being met, so they outsource for it to be filled, but it’s true that only we can meet our needs.
    Security is knowing anything YOU desire or require for your own love, comes from within. Because you can’t expect others to do things for you, only cherish when they can! It’s not fair to their personal journey to have expectations on how to be human, just like it’s not fair for you to show up for everyone in everyone tiny way for their own comfort (ego).

    For me what helped me become secure was realizing that everyone is a human on this journey with their own timelines.

    What else really helped me IS:
    Realizing a lot if not all of our identity comes from the lens we were gifted as kids. We were taught how to perceive situations, what they meant, by media, stories, family, movies, etc, we taught ourselves how to identify with these circumstances by what was around us. Taking the time to carve away the false identities we’ve picked up will reveal who YOU have always been… and how can you not love the REAL you. Not the person shaped by the world, those are defense mechanisms to fit in and identify with your community, but who you are.
    You.

    ****

    ****
    *journal prompts*

    Here are some practices-
    Every time you feel the anxiety or insecurity rise up, ask your self “what do I need right now?”
    Or “how can I do something for me right now?”

    Journal down everything that triggers insecure feelings in you (ie- not being texted back fast, your XYZ, when people are rude, etc everything)

    Write 3 stories you’ve lived that are the “pillars” for this problem. If you feel like your words aren’t worth listening to, write three times something made that seem true.

    Then for each story identify what soul lesson came out of it! What you learned that perhaps helped you become a kinder person, like maybe you learns how important it is that others feel heard cus it hurt you so bad.

    Then journal 1-3 ways that you can counter that feeling. *Journal why your feelings aren’t the truth but emotional sensations*. Write about what it could be reflecting bigger than just the surface level trigger.

    *on your journey* you MAY discover people will hate that you are doing the work. They may get triggered.
    This happens, because people don’t like to feel left behind. Your only responsibility is to continue choosing yourself. If you want to be secure you have to choose YOU. Because YOU are the one here, with you, for all your life.
    The more you become secure the more you see all you can control is how you perceive a situation and that will determine how it settles in the heart.

    My last tip is for many moments including this journey.

    People who do not live your life cannot help you get to your life. If someone tries to break you down, it will mean nothing one day, because they do not know your mission or your soul journey. There are people and forces here designed to tear us down, because the power of our own love is truly that powerful… when has Love ever been wrong.

    True love. You can say someone broke my heart when I loved them, but did you love them or were you chasing abandonment wounds from a young age?
    And did you love FOR love or FROM love? To love FROM Love is what I choose.

    Don’t listen to people who want to hurt you. How can they help you when they hurt themselves by pushing others away. They’re probably lonely and insecure too.

    Good luck. When you heal yourself you will heal the world.. by inspiring others what they can be. That’s why people get triggered, they see what they can be and feel afraid like they don’t deserve it or won’t be able to reach it. Just step into it, baby. 💛 there’s enough love to go around when the source comes your own infinite heart.

    Also

    There’s great resources even on instagram. [I love this page.](https://instagram.com/rebeccaorecoaching?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==)

    PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU CONSUME. Even a quick pass of a read, if not consciously clearing it, can integrate into you. Same way a song gets stuck in your head. Be mindful what gets stuck in your head, control your mind and don’t let it repeat.

  34. one day i decided i was tired of being insecure so i decided to fake it til you make it. i refused to have any negative thoughts about myself, i did positive affirmations every day, and i would take pictures of myself often and refuse to let myself delete them even if i thought they were ugly. my therapist said that your brain is very gullible and if you think/say something over and over it will believe it, even if it’s not true. so when i replaced my negative thoughts with positive ones, after doing it for long enough, i actually started to believe it, and now i feel very secure with myself!

    also surrounding myself with positive people helped. both of my sisters are fat and they’ve always told me that being fat isn’t a negative trait, it’s a neutral trait, same as being tall or blonde. they taught me that fat isn’t a bad word, and fat doesn’t mean ugly or worthless. when i was recovering from anorexia they would celebrate with me every time i gained weight, show me it’s ok to eat in front of other people, and would encourage me to wear crop tops/bikinis/other revealing clothes. we even started an inside joke where instead of using fat as an insult we would use it as a compliment. “how do i look?” “wow you look so beautiful and fat!” being able to spend time with people who were so unabashedly themselves gave me a lot of confidence. i have been in recovery for anorexia for three years now, and i have come to love my body so much! i think i am so beautiful no matter what i weigh, and i have a newfound appreciation for everything my body does for me!

  35. It’s important to remember that there’s external and internal insecurity.

    External:

    For me, it was my cheating ex and one friend who has very toxic views of beauty and puts her insecurity onto others.

    I stayed with my ex for years despite him constantly flirting with other women. It made me an insecure mess. I was always wondering who he was talking to, questioning his friendships, and questioning why I wasn’t enough. When we finally ended it, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

    My toxic friend I just don’t hang out with as often and don’t really have conversations with her about looks or ask her advice on clothes or anything like that. We aren’t as close anymore, but I’m so much better for it. She would make comments like “I’d kill myself if my jeans were in the double digits” while I’m sitting there in my size 14 jeans. It wasn’t directed at me, I think she was talking about how she went from a 4 to a 6 or something, but it still always stuck with me. Now after losing 50lbs and being at a perfectly healthy weight, I’m still a size 12 and her comment just sounds even crazier to me. Like she really doesn’t understand how different bodies can be. But again, for her I know it’s her own negative self image that ends up spilling out onto everyone around her and I don’t think she’s hurting people intentionally.

    Identify the people around you who bring you down and decide what action would be best to take to solve it. Whether that be cutting contact, distancing yourself, or having a difficult conversation about how their words/actions are impacting you.

    Internal:

    “Be nice to yourself. First as a joke, but then for real”

    I saw that years ago and really ran with it. I know this is going to sound fake, but loving yourself really is a choice and a learned behavior.

    I paid a lot of attention to my negative self talk and started to change the way I phrased things in my own head. A big one for me was the phrase “you know what my toxic trait is”. I used to say that ALL THE TIME about so many different things about me. I switched it to “you know what I love about myself” and then would say something that I do. It is insane how much that simple rephrasing shifted my brain chemistry. And I honestly started it as a joke saying that I loved something “toxic” about myself. But ya know what? Fuck it, I do love some of that stuff about me. And that’s not something I would’ve been capable of saying so sincerely a few years ago.

    The real hippy dipping thing I’m about to say is to spend some time talking to yourself in the mirror. Sit there looking into your own eyes and tell yourself every good trait you have. Talk to yourself like you are your own friend who is going through it and needs to be reminded about how wonderful they are. You’ll feel crazy at first, but it’s insane how much this boost helps.

    My self talk convos will be like “you’re eyes are beautiful. You are so thoughtful and generous. Yeah you snapped at so-and-so the other day, but you recognized it quickly and apologized. That’s a really big improvement and I’m proud of you.”

    I still acknowledge my short comings, but I give myself credit when it’s due. And if it’s just a short coming, I appreciate myself for acknowledging that and try to find steps to fix it.

    Again, I know it sounds very crunchy granola, but I swear it works if you’re just consistent with it. This is coming from someone who used to actively hate themself and now sometimes worries that they might be a bit too into myself lol.

    Good luck on your journey!

  36. I tend to go back and forth – I’ll feel great and secure for a few years, then I’ll hit an insecure patch that lasts a few months or up to a year. Every time, it’s the same. I have to remind myself of my value. I have to stop letting my negative thoughts overpower reality. I have to pay attention to THE FACTS rather than my feelings.

    The best thing you can do, is when you find yourself spiraling or feeling insecure, ask yourself, “Is that true?” Examine the facts of the situation, not just how you feel in that moment. I’ve given my ‘negative voice’ a name, so I know whenever ‘Mary’ is talking, it’s probably some made up BS. Dismiss it, remember that you AREN’T ‘Mary,’ and look at the facts.

  37. i am still not there but i think just growing older and having your brain mature and fully develop helps a lot. also surrounding yourself with positive people and knowing your triggers and allowing yourself to leave whenever you start feeling bad. i am in my early 20s still but i am so excited to turn 26 when my brain will hopefully be fully developed 😭😭

  38. leaving my ex of 6 years that would constantly cheat on me and verbally abuse me and put down my looks was a game changer for me. no longer constantly worrying about why i’m not good enough for someone all the time and “what was wrong with me” has immensely helped ❤️

  39. Therapy, coaching, personal development books, prayer, giving myself grace. No longer accepting shit from others.

  40. I found a partner that allowed me to feel safe enough to begin healing that part of me. Therapy alone isn’t enough if your partner is manipulative and abusive

  41. By working as a waitress.

    I’ve learned pretty quickly that people will treat me like shit no matter how nice I am. And after a while I just stopped giving a fuck.

  43. I turned 30 then had a kid. The fucks I had to give went from like 90 to maybe 5. What others think, criticize, gossip about is no longer a priority to me. What matters is my child, my career, my inner self, and my partner.

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