I’m 30F and live with my parent. We often argue and it’s getting very frequent. I’ve posted here before and I constantly get responses that I need to move out. I’m trying and doing what it takes to leave. But it’s not gonna happen overnight. Those responses haven’t helped me and it’s getting worse and more frequent and demeaning.
My serious need for support is what to do in the meantime.
For example, they would not tell me something that could’ve helped me or prevented a problem because I would change my decision and immediately agree with them.
In an example, I take XYZ freeway to go somewhere, meanwhile they knew there was horrible traffic that direction and didn’t say anything. I couldn’t check myself since the incident wasn’t updated on my maps app. So I got stuck in traffic. And late for work.
They bring it up the next day and I ask why they didn’t tell me and it’s “oh you always immediately change your mind just because I tell you what to do,” as if that’s a bad thing. It upsets them that I change my mind even though they can actually give good advice.
I took inspiration from someone here to address them directly and say “I have a right to change my mind,” and that caused a major argument that it implied I’m attacking them. And then I get the whole “why did I ever be nice to you? If I never talk to you in life we wouldn’t be arguing.”
1) Do I just stop communicating with them?
2) Do I just take any and all criticism they put on me because trying to speak up for myself caused them to get angry?
I did it to try to not have to worry about me listening to their good advice and changing my mind causing an argument but me asking to be allowed to change my mind is now an attack on them
It seems like the latter is the way to go until I can move out. It’s so hard when I 100% know I’m right but they gaslight me into thinking me trying to ask that they don’t get mad at me when they give a good suggestion and I agree with them and change my mind is bad.
I also never know what I’m doing wrong to upset them and they get mad and use the “If I go over there and twist your arm, you’d know I’m upsetting you. Can you do the same for me?” I would but it’s not the same as physically twisting their arm. It’s everything from my tone to asking for more supplies from PopTarts to Kleenex and I’d it’s a certain amount it’s bad (and it always changes). I never know.
Bottom line, do I just stay as quiet as possible and take the demeaning comments and look forward to moving out? It seems like that’s my only option. Thank you.
5 comments
I’m just a good for nothing 20 yo guy half assing his degree, so I have no real advice to give. But hang in there, hope you’re free soon. It takes strength to just sit there silently while you’re waiting for your chance to leave, I think. Almost there, don’t make any rash decisions
You have been asking for advice for a long time now. You seem to be frozen in your situation. Without some kind of action, nothing will change. It reminds me of something some friend once said: madness is doing the same thing over and over again, and hoping for a different outcome. You cannot change your parent. Get out! Even if it is into a shelter. Get your own life.
Absolutely your only option is to be quiet and respectful to them as long as they are supporting you. It sounds as if they don’t feel appreciated or heard by you. I’m not saying you don’t appreciate or listen to them, but they seem to feel that way. In addition, it is not an excuse to be late for work because your parents didn’t warn you about traffic. You can’t just stay you would listen to them in hindsight. I have a feeling there are a lot of times you don’t listen to their advice. And while an adult is not required to listen to his/her parents’ advice, he/she should put a lot more weight on the advice when living under their roof. The point is you can either move out (which clearly isn’t an option for you now) or grin and bear it.
– It’s so hard when I 100% know I’m right
And this mentality is why you haven’t realized the issue and that laying low in waiting is not the solution.
When your a kid, you don’t have autonomy and are to a certain extent required to accept the advice your parents give you, from school, to where you live, to what you eat. But at 30yrs old, now you’re definitely an adult, so you should know how to get dressed for your job, get to your job, and do your job. If you can’t do these things, your boss won’t fire your parents, but you.
Would it be nice for you if your parents told you that you should drink a coffee when you look tired, and the perfect route to take to turn up on time, and to take an umbrella if the clouds look dark . Yes, but your parents are not telling you on purpose, because at 30yrs old, most people know this stuff. They don’t want to see you change your mind because of their advice, but because you have learnt your lesson, are independent, and capable of taking care of yourself now.
Your parents clearly want you to be independent and probably even move out by now, so the only question to ask yourself is why haven’t you moved out yet if you both want the same things?
>For example, they would not tell me something that could’ve helped me or prevented a problem because I would change my decision and immediately agree with them.
I kinda get it. You changing your mind because they told you to can make them feel like they are manipualting you. Immediately agreeing to them can make them feel like you have no mind of your own. It also kinda puts mental labour on them to say what you should do. And then there is an added feeling of responsibility for your actions, because you are doing it for the sole reason because they told you to. You not making your own decisions can make them feel like you are still a child.
>“oh you always immediately change your mind just because I tell you what to do,” as if that’s a bad thing.
Actually, changing your mind just because someone told you is a bad thing. You need to have your own mind and values. You can take their opinion to help you make a decision, but not blindly do as they suggest. Have some of your own agency.
You could try to ask them to give you some factual information, like “i have heard that there was an accident in your coomute route and there is a big traffic jam there”, without giving you advice on what to do next “take X route to avoid it”.
Maybe show them some of your thinking process when they give advice. Tell them how you decided that their suggestion is better than what you had in mind and explain why. This could show them that you are not blindly doing what they have suggested.