So me and my girlfriend have been dating for just about a year now after being friends since we were 13. Everything is going great between us right now but the topic of “what if we needed a break” in the future came up the other night, the idea of it makes me extremely uncomfortable because why shouldn’t a healthy couple be able to figure out the problem, then resolve it together. She says that she’s had to use breaks in past relationships in order to “reconnect with them, and really start to miss them. To have the idea of them with another woman and see if the thought of it hurts or if she’d be okay with it”. The whole thing seems so counterproductive to growing a relationship, imo breaks will only cause resentment, worry, and an overall disconnect. I told her how changing the connotation of it into “needing space” would make me more comfortable. Like if we were ever at that point, we’d go spend a weekend or a week at our parents or with friends in order to get some necessary “Me time” without putting the entire relationship on pause. I feel as though if you’re at that point where you need to miss the person you’re with or figure out if them being with someone else would hurt you, you never really loved them. I don’t have to put the relationship in the air in order to know my feelings towards her and those possibilities. Now I trust her more than I trust myself most days, but I can’t help but feel that a break could be used as an excuse for infidelity. Am I crazy for feeling that way? Have any of you had succeful breaks in a relationship? The whole thing just really sets me off and her and I look at it so differently, I really don’t want this to be the downfall of our relationship. Any advice is appreciated
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I’ve asked for breaks a ton in relationships I tend to get very busy and overwhelmed or there’s just a lot going on with my family. That being said needing a break to miss the person is kinda crazy. And yes people use breaks all the time as an excuse for infidelity, not saying that she will but it seems like a conversation like that should be had for clarity. It seems to me that maybe she gets attached too quickly in relationships and then starts second guessing if she actually likes the person. I’d recommend you both have scheduled time to connect as well as scheduled self care/me time
She wants to create high school type passion, jealousy and drama.
Red flag.
You should be clear that any break she contemplates must not compromise the relationship’s monogamy and exclusivity. No “talking stages,” no dating, no single party behavior, etc. allowed during said break. Anything else would be a full fledged break up and you have no interest in resuming a relationship that goes there.
She wants to create high school type passion, jealousy and drama.
Red flag.
You should be clear that any break she contemplates must not compromise the relationship’s monogamy and exclusivity. No “talking stages,” no dating, no single party behavior, etc. allowed during said break. Anything else would be a full fledged break up and you have no interest in resuming a relationship that goes there.
‘Breaks’ are most often a way to justify cheating while avoiding the guilt.
You’re not wrong. “Breaks” are not healthy or conducive to a strong relationship. Relationships can survive them – but for the most part, needing a break from the relationship is for people who aren’t ready to commit or get serious. It’s better to just break up, IMO, and move on.
Breaks are indeed often just openings for getting with someone else and pretending it isn’t really cheating.
I don’t believe in breaks. You take a break, you’re broken up.
That’s not to say you can’t take time apart to do stuff while still being together. But in a healthy relationship, you can just…go do that, without making any declarations about the relationship as a whole.
Tell her the break starts now and you realized you don’t/won’t miss the childish mind games. Dude run
It’s not worth it, leave her
You’re more mature than she is. I’d consider this a fatal flaw in the relationship.
Red flag dude. She uses breaks to create immature drama for excitement. Run.
A break is a break up. Treat it as such, and if you both decide at some point you want to get back together, then great. But don’t treat a break like you are still in a relationship.
The idea that, “If you need _____, you never really loved them,” is some immature bullshit that’s practically designed to manufacture angst and drama. People change, particularly throughout their teens. The idea that someone’s needs or desires might shift or that they might need to figure themselves out and that totally invalidates their past feelings, or that feeling confused or conflicted means that the love was never real is both dumb and wrong.
>She says that she’s had to use breaks in past relationships in order to “reconnect with them, and really start to miss them.
Seems counterproductive to use her former *failed* relationships as a roadmap to success in your current relationship, yeah?
Sounds like she is already looking at someone else / talking to someone else. Just move on, stay single for a bit?
One thing I’ll say for certain. If she ever feels the desire to be with another man, then she is not someone you should build a life with
Huge red flag dude. She’s looking for a way to have guilt free sex with someone else.
“Breaks” are the cowards way of breaking up IMO. She’s bored and is missing the spark. She needs to just tell you the truth and not play games.