I’ll admit, I’m not where I should be in life as far as cooking skills. I’m 26 and something like Hamburger Helper, something that apparently my dad could make at 10 years old in the 60s, blows my mind. So, I eat a lot of frozen food, snacks, microwave food, fast food, etc. I combat it with A) not going overboard and B) running myself ragged with cardio. I do throw in salads and fruits, don’t get me wrong
My girlfriend, because we live together, has taken on my diet but without the working out as she claims she doesn’t have time, and has put on a huge amount of weight. She brings it up constantly. I’ve told her if she wants to be healthier, I’d help her. She gets defensive when I even engage in a discussion of her weight, something she brought up. She gets pissed, tells me I’m the reason she’s big and now runs with this idea that I’ve decided to keep her fat in an attempt to have ” power in the relationship”.
I remind her that, whereas I portion out my fast food, she goes next level. Whereas I usually skip breakfast, she’s more likely do have some pancakes/waffles/ sausage bacon feast, or doughnuts.
Maybe TMI, but, she’s outgrowing many of her clothes, complaining of foot and back pain, is easily winded
How do I get her to see it’s not my fault?
21 comments
You mentioned a huge amount of weight, is she obese?
She’s being unreasonable. You’re not force-feeding her. She’s an adult and she can prepare or purchase her own meals if she doesn’t want to gain weight from what you’re making. It’s not fair at all for her to blame you for the choices she’s making.
So, simply: stop making food or preparing food for her. Tell her that she can procure her own food for every meal, and she can be 100% responsible for her own size.
Peoples choices are their own. Why doesn’t she cook/learn to cook? Why don’t you to become more healthy? Make an effort to change what you guys eat. If she still chooses poorly, she can no longer blame you.
Some people just can’t handle the truth though.
She needs to realize that eating like she does and fighting with you will only make her get bigger and bigger. You should be growing as a couple, but, she’s just growing outward
Next time she says that to you, just tell her you’re not going to cook for her anymore. You are both going to do your own meals. She can cook for herself. That way it is entirely in her hands and she can’t shift the blame to you anymore. It seems like a pretty strong accusation to say you are keeping her fat to have “power” and that suggests… other issues.
Does she not realize that her getting fat is causing her clothes, foot, and back issue?
She is being unreasonable, frankly. You do not control what goes in her mouth. Listen, my bf used to eat primarily takeout. Once he moved in, and I cook all our meals, he started eating healthier. Now, he doesn’t even order takeout when I’m not home, he goes and sees what’s in the fridge. It helps that I cook enough for an army, so we always have leftovers for him to nuke. Maybe you both could start learning to cook together? Couples activity/healthier meals. Win-win
If it’s important to you then make some changes. Start menu planning and cooking at home together with healthy meals.
If she can’t take responsibility for her actions then she will never lose weight
Try, “(Name), Let me finish this completely and ***then*** you can feel free to respond. You’re being completely unreasonable in blaming your weight on me.
* You’re an adult as am I.
* You’re as capable of purchasing food as I am.
* You’re as capable of preparing food in the kitchen as I am.
* You’re as capable of dieting as I am.
* You’re as capable of exercising as I am.
So, if you’re *choosing* to eat poorly, or eat too much, or not exercise enough those are ***your choices,*** and you need to ***own them***! Claiming I’m sabotaging you in an attempt to control “power in the relationship” is absurd. I have zero control over your eating habits. You’re sabotaging yourself and you need to own that and figure out ***why*** that is so.
The *only one* who brings up your weight is **you** and you do so constantly and try to shift the blame to me. From now on, the topic of your weight is one I don’t want to hear. I want you to do or ‘*not* do’ whatever you choose regarding your weight and your health. I love you, but I won’t be your emotional punching bag anymore because you’re angry/disappointed with yourself.”
She’s choosing to eat food. She can change her behavior or not. It doesn’t sound like you’re force feeding her or shaming her into eating your food, so she’s just blaming you. This is icky
How about she cooks for both of you?
My BF eats much bigger and sometimes more unhealthy meals than me (e.g Mexican, fried foods). However, I snack *a lot*, I don’t exercise like he does, I eat sweets and he doesn’t, etc.
But most importantly, **I am the only person responsible for what I eat**
So yes, I may have picked up some of his more unhealthy habits, it is entirely within my control and my own choice.
**Your girlfriend is the only person responsible for what she eats.**
Sounds like she has a serious weight management issue. Exercise is hard so she doesn’t want to do it. Dieting is also hard and she’s continually gaining weight. So she’s taking out her frustration on you because she can’t admit that she’s her only problem.
Get her into some therapy or practice some tough love. Absolutely do not allow her to blame you for her own issues.
She is choosing to make poor choices around food. None of this is on you.
The breakfast you describe is “treat food” for me- if she wants breakfast should could have a low sugar cereal, fruit or whole-wheat toast. She is serving her own portions, she is choosing what she eats. She is an adult and could be choosing to eat smaller portions or different healthier foods.
Just tell her you aren’t going to cook for her any more and she needs to seek help rather than blame you for her issues.
I personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I’m accused of manipulating or harming a partner when they are making their own poor choices.
Sucks that she blames you for her weight gain. Since you have enough support on berating you GF here is a different option. Ask her to cook healthy for you. My partner is happy to have home-cooked food every day, his energy is better and I dropped the weight which I gained in the relationship. I never knew I enjoy cooking- but having a person to appreciate my work was motivation enough.
Your girlfriend is responsible for what she eats. No one is forcing her to eat junk food. She can obviously cook so why can’t she make healthier choices instead of pancakes and bacon? That said… learn to cook. It’s not that hard to learn the basics and it’s an essential life skill. Try Hello Fresh or something similar. They give you step by step instructions. Buy healthy snacks and cut back on the junk.
Lmao so unreasonable. This is a her issue. Not a you issue
But also learn to cook. Directions are on the boxes of most foods. YouTube and google. You got dis
INFO: How long have you two been together and when did the two of you move in together? What was her lifestyle (diet/exercise) like before the two of you met/moved in?
EDIT: The reason why I’m asking is because it sounds like she has a bad relationship with food. OP, you’re definitely not to blame and I’m not excusing her hurtful words but I think if she sees food in front of her, she’ll just eat it because it’s convenient and it’s there. It can be difficult to portion or control eating when you know there’s certain foods in the house.
If you want to stay with your girlfriend, you do need to have a sit down chat with her and explain to her how her words made you feel. Try to talk it out. Then perhaps create a plan to get healthy together which includes a change in diet and exercise. You’re not obligated to take on this task with her, but it could motivate her and it could be something the two of you do as a couple.
“Can we have a discussion about this in a week without you getting defensive? I’m not trying to hurt you, and you immediately being defense helps neither of us. I’d like to really talk about this next week. Please come to the discussion in an open an honest way.”
The best she could say and even that would be pushing it, is you influence her eating choices. However, she has her own will and freedom to make choices. She chose to eat poorly and not exercise.
People often make excuses to avoid the reality of needing to change. This isn’t your fault.