How do I step up as a father figure without replacing my stepson’s dad?

12 comments

1. Be the man you wish your father had been

2. This is pretty vague. Do you have custody, how old is he, how long have you known him, do you live with him?

3. I think the better question is why would you date a single mom? This will only backfire on you. I k ow people tell you wow that so goodnof you to take over ans shit like that, but everyone is laughing at you for being a sucker. You can do better.

4. Buy him cool toys.

5. Just be there. Don’t try to replace his dad. That will create resentment. Invite him to do cool stuff that you both like to do. Hang out, and just be there. Ask him if his friends want to join occasionally. But just be there. Kids his age never say when they want to talk about something, but, when he wants to, then it will be an avalanche of thought and words. When it happens, pay full attention and do not disengage until he’s done. Don’t say, hey let’s talk about this later. You have to go with it when it comes, there will be no later. And, you will know when it comes. It’s about being in the right place at the right time.

   Then, once a year, say around Christmas, ask him for honest feedback and direction. Actually ask him how you can be a better step dad for him. Then listen. You will be surprised what he will tell you.

6. How about you step up for yourself and create boundaries.

7. Don’t over think this. You will never replace his dad. Just step up to support him and be the best father figure to him you can. I will warn you it gets a little ruff early in the teen years. They will probably not fully appreciate or comprehend what you have done for them till 20’s or 30’s.

8. Don’t try to replace him. You can’t. Not legally, not emotionally. What you “want to be” (apply that wording losely) is a reliable adult and mentoring figure who gives him the benefit of the doubt when appropiate. You mostly lead through actions anyways so rather than focussin on how you treat him, you will determine your role in his life by how you treat yourself when he is watching.

9. I think the very fact that your perspective is this shows that you’re already on the right path brother. For me, it was about just being there for the kid and showing them that you’re not going anywhere. Making sure that they feel safe, protected, and have a voice. Another big step is not being immediately reactive when they drop a bomb on you. You want to make sure that they feel comfortable sharing with you and don’t feel judgement. When something like that happens, ask them how they feel and then work with the conversation to share your perspective. I know it could be difficult feeling as if you have big shoes to fill, but you don’t. You just have to be you. Your relationship with him with always be specific to the both of you. That is special and eventually will blossom and grow in it’s own unique way.

10. Just be there, be fair, and teach him what he needs to know. He’ll be the one to decide if you’re the “replacement”, the best you can do is just be a father and do all in your power to help him grow up to be a good man.

11. That’s like a recipe for a narcissistic fantasy with an outrage that follows. You will never be his dad, nor can you make him to see you as his dad.

12. As someone who had a great step-dad, just being there for him and supporting him are huge. I recently lost my step-dad who guided me from 18 to my mid-thirties. So my experience is more biased towards becoming an adult.

    He never forced the relationship. He simply acted as as caring supportive role model. He loved and cared for my mother, encouraged and supported me, and was kind and supportive to my spouse. My kids were never his step-grand kids, but just his grand kids. Fully accepted and part of his family. By displaying positive role model traits I learned and grew from our relationship. Even as he was getting ready to pass he was teaching me how to do so gracefully and with care for those around you.