My marriage is currently hitting some bumps in the road and I am not handling it well. My husband works full time at a very labor intensive job, 6 days a week , depending on the amount of work there is he will work 9- 12 hours a day but on his 6th day he only works 4-6 hours . I’m a SAHM, we have two kids a 4 year old and a 4m old. My 4 year old goes to school during the day so I’m home with my baby.
The problem we have is that my husband is overstimulated by the time he gets home. He just wants to come home and be by himself but I’m very isolated all day. My car recently broke down so I’m home all day, everyday. I’m very young, I’m 24 so most of my friends are not married and don’t have kids so we’re just in a different phases in our lives. I have not been able to make mommy friends because I don’t have a car to go to places and my neighbors they are very private people. My issue is I just crave a conversation with another adult. I don’t have a problem being a SAHM, i love being home with my babies and taking care of them and I enjoy homemaking and cooking, so this is not the issue. But like I mentioned I just crave a conversation with another adult. And since my husband is the only other adult I can access to at the moment the fact that I can’t have a conversation with him when he comes home make me feel so alone. When he comes home he sits down to eat and I serve him his food and he turns on a show and just watches it. If you interrupt him while he’s eating he gets really mad, so I respect this time alone that he wants. When we do talk it’s him mostly pouring out how tired he is, how stressed he is and all the different issues he has with clients and people and etc. so it’s mostly him talking and me listening. Whenever I try to talk to him about anything, he gets on his phone and he isn’t really paying attention so eventually after him doing it so much I kinda decided that I’m okay not expressing myself as along as he talks to me I’m happy. But he does go through periods where he is depressed and just wants to be alone. I do respect him when he goes through these periods and try to support him in the ways he needs me to but in these times it makes the loneliness over bearing.
Recently my husband has had a very stressful week and we haven’t really seen each other. Saturday we got to spend some time together, he needed help with some work he was doing and I offered to help him. The day went well and when we got home we cuddled and watched a show together. On Sunday my husband had free time and I asked him if he wanted to go on a date. When I asked him I saw the look on his face he seemed very annoyed but reluctantly said yes. It made me feel really bad so I told him it’s okay if you need to rest. He accepted what I said so I took the kids and went to my bedroom and he went to his room to rest. A couple of hours later he started mentioning about going on a date. I gently asked him do you actually want to go on a date because I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging you to spend time with me either, it makes me feel really bad. He told me he did but in my heart I felt like he was lying but I ignored the feeling and accepted his proposal. We came up with the plan to go see Christmas lights so that the whole family could stay in the car and the kids could fall asleep in the car and we can have one on one time. It went well. Where it took a turn for the worse was when we wanted to get something to eat. I wanted to eat in the restaurant and he wanted to get take out and go home. So he asked me what we should do. I asked him if we could eat in the car, I explained to him that I just didn’t want to be home because I need a break from being at home. He asked me what I wanted to do I told him we could eat in the car but then he started expressing again how he wants to go home so I said fine let’s go home. I got upset and I told him, “don’t give me an option if your not willing to do what I want. If you have it already set what we’re going to do then just tell me.” He got very defensive and said he’s just expressing what he wants. I said “I know and I’m expressing what I want too but when we have to decided and we always decide what you want every single time”. I explained to him whenever I want something or want to do something I mostly get rejected. Like a lot. I get rejected by him so much. And instead of him hearing what I have to say, he just gets really defensive and turns the blame onto me and some how I feel like I’m wrong and the bad guy for expressing how I actually feel in our relationship. He blamed me for ruining the night and I just felt really bad. We drove home without saying a word. When we got home I just wanted to shut down and cry but I didn’t, I pulled myself together and I set out food on the table and we started eating. He put on his show and we just ate. We then fell asleep watching a movie together. This morning i just feel so sad and angry about it. He trying to act like nothing happened but I don’t think I can do that anymore I have so much on my heart that I can’t just act like everything is peachy. This morning he tried to give me a kiss and hug and I rejected it. He told me “what’s your problem today” I just ignored him and went to my room. This behavior is not like me and I don’t like acting like this. I know this is not how you handle it. But how do you talk to someone about problems, who at the end makes you feel bad for even bringing it up. This has been a constant problem for us. I have suggested couples therapy before but when I bring it up he agin gets so defensive and says “is our marriage that bad to you”. I told him that I don’t think our marriage is bad I just think we need help talking to each other.
I’m at a complete loss and I feel bad for how I treated him this morning. I need advise please.
1 comment
I’m sorry you both are going through a tough time, I’ve personally been in your husband’s position and yours. I feel for you, I still have nightmares about this time in my life.
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I was an the army, on active duty when we were first married. As the job became more stressful I became super depressed, locked into this job. I was on call 24/7, I was never off the clock. Coming home and sleeping was my only escape from the job, and my wife suffered. My wife later confessed to almost leaving me at one point, which still hangs pretty heavy on me.
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I’m not sure how it happened, but one day I realized just how much of my fellow soldiers were shit human beings, and I didn’t want to become them. I left the army and put a lot of work into myself. She is my most important person, and I still hate how my younger self brushed her aside. The real “gut punch” is my wife understands what I was going through and still loves me all the same and even more now. (can you not be so goddamn wonderful)
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I don’t truly know your feelings, but it is okay to tell your husband that you aren’t happy with the direction of your marriage. I can’t tell you how he’s going to take it, he might be defensive and lash out, and might close himself off or all of the above, I know I did.
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Learning how to communicate with my wife (and her to me) knowing what I’m about to say won’t feel great is the hardest skill in the world to learn.
“hey love, that joke you said to your friend about me didn’t feel great to me” is so much harder to say out loud instead of just taking it. Even though I know we’ll talk about how and why it made me feel such a way, and we’ll step forward from it.
Please don’t just sit there and bury yourself, and don’t let your husband either. It won’t be easy, things will be said, emotions will fly, and you hope you can step forward.