My best friend, whom I met a work, became like my sister earlier this year. She is super flirty though – not just with me, with everyone.
She’s GORGEOUS and I’m bisexual and interested in women… so naturally when I first met her I had a small crush on her. When I found out she had a partner though I was immediately like “Ok she’s not available, she can be your friend but no flirting and no shit talking the SO.”
Eventually, (like 8 months later) I got over it and we’re extremely close friends now. Like I’m not even remotely interested in her anymore – kinda feels like incest at this point.
I know some people just have a flirty personality and it’s nothing personal that I need to worry about but there was an escalation recently that I don’t know how to deal with.
I told her a long time ago in a conversation about eachother’s dating lives that I have a thing for hair pulling… I won’t get too specific but she knows that I like it in an intimate sort of way so she does it to “mess with me.” Then about a week ago she did this thing where she got her face really close to mine (like she was going in for a kiss) in a really dark room we were both in and when I flinched and moved away she giggled and told me “you’re funny”
Later that day I told her in a pretty coy tone (just cause I don’t want to be rude) “I told you how that stuff makes me feel and you do it anyway…” and she just laughed and tugged my hair. She replied “how come you don’t mess with me the same way I mess with you.”
… like, I do mess with her. Just not it a flirty way that breaks any boundaries. Which is what I told her. Yet still she has a problem with the fact that I don’t reciprocate her kind of “goofiness”
I know the logical thing to do is to tell her to stop, right? Like bluntly tell her that it makes me uncomfortable and she should respect my boundaries?
Well we went out drinking last night and we talked about how flirty she is with people even though she has a partner. I told her “you’re lucky I don’t fall for that stuff.”
She replied “what? I don’t flirt with you.” All offended.
Like WHAT??? If she doesn’t even believe she flirts with how am I even supposed to bring up the fact that it makes me uncomfortable???
What do you guys think? Is she being flirty? How do I approach this? Should I even bother?
TL:DR my friend is flirting with me because making me flustered is “funny.” How do I tell her to stop?
2 comments
Sounds to me like she doesn’t respect boundaries – or you, or her partner! That’s a terrible combination. A person who treats boundaries as a challenge is honestly creepy and horrible – being “gorgeous” doesn’t excuse that.
Personally, I don’t think you should be friends with this person. She’s even messing with your head to try and make you feel like you’re overreacting. A real friend would respect you.
“If she doesn’t believe she flirts” she was trying to make you believe she isn’t, by the way. That was gaslighting. She pretended to initiate a kiss to “mess with you”! That isn’t okay!
I’d cut all contact and ghost her. I know it sounds extreme, but I was in an online friendship that had some similar elements to this. I found out she did not respect that I said I wasn’t interested even though YEARS passed. My “no” didn’t count to her. There was no coming back from that.
Someone who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with you OR be your friend.
If you sense it’s flirting, trust your feelings; it likely is. I went through a similar situation at work. When discussions turn to relationship or sexual topics, boundaries are crossed, intentional or not. Her getting offended might be to avoid facing rejection. Make it clear what your boundaries are, avoid sexual discussions, and see if she respects that. True friends won’t make you uncomfortable. If she cared about your relationship, she’d have a simple, non-offensive response. If she refuses to change or acknowledge your feelings, it might be best to end things with her.