My husband and I have known each other since Kindergarten and we have been married for a year and a half. He has seen me at my lowest and in my opinion, most attractive weight and at my heaviest weight. I have always had an hourglass figure (curvier) and never was overweight until college. I weighed 160lbs which was the heaviest I had ever been so I went on the Keto diet and got down to 140lbs which is my ideal weight where I would feel the most attractive. My husband was just a friend at the time and we weren’t even dating then. Then a couple months later we started dating and I slowly gained weight throughout our dating and engagement period which leads me to present day with my weighing the heaviest I have ever been at 172lbs. I carry weight differently than petite girls so I look skinnier than a petite girl would look if she weighed this much. I wear a size 10 pants and size M-L in tops. So I’m not skinny but not super overweight just somewhere in the middle. I know my husband still finds me attractive but it hurts my feelings when he encourages weight loss. I want to lose weight and am currently on a diet and have been working out to get there. He used to make comments about what I was eating when I was dieting in the past if it was not a “healthy food” because he wanted me to stay on track. I told him that this hurts my feelings because I feel like he would find me more attractive if I was skinner. His response was that he doesn’t know how to support me then in my weight loss journey. And I guess I don’t know how he could either. I feel really insecure if he sees me eating candy or something like that even if it is within my calorie limit for the day. He doesn’t say anything but I almost feel like I have to justify what I’m doing so he doesn’t think I am slacking. But recently he saw a picture of us together when we were in high school (when I was skinny) and he asked how much I weighed in that picture and if my weight loss goal is the same weight. That made me feel like he wishes I would be back to that weight because he would be more attracted to me.
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Just an anecdote for you, my husband and I are both fat. Always have been, since childhood for us both. We got together fat, love each other fat, and find each other ridiculously attractive while fat. We still encourage weight loss in each other. I know for a fact my husband doesn’t like being fat. He finds himself unattractive, he worries about his heart health and he doesn’t feel his best physically. I encourage his weight loss because I know it will make *him* feel better. And I know for an absolute fact I find him hot and sexy now as a big guy. But I also know I’ll love him and find him sexy when he loses weight. Absolutely none of my encouragement to his weight loss is because I’m unattracted to him now.
I say just trust what your husband says, he’s encouraging you because that’s what you do, you encourage your spouse to be the best version of themselves. It doesn’t mean you dislike their current version.
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OP, you said your husband was trying to help you stay on track with your own goals. So, if he was trying to support you, he at least good intentions based on what you said you wanted for yourself. Just like if you said you want to start waking up earlier, and he gently nudged you awake and let you know what time it is. You wouldn’t take offense to that, would you? He isn’t telling you that you are too fat or insulting you it seems. I don’t think he is out of line based on what you said here, I think he just doesn’t understand how personally you are taking his comments.
That said – if you would rather he not support you in this way, then just tell him. Tell him that you don’t want his support for your weight loss journey because it is a very personal thing and you are a work in progress in terms of accepting your body how it is while also trying to work on your personal goals. Tell him that discussions about your eating habits and weight are making you feel insecure because you are already unhappy with your current weight, and that you would prefer it if he didn’t make comments like this in the future because it just starts a shame spiral for you and makes you feel like you need to change for him instead of for you. Tell him you don’t want to feel like you need to watch everything you eat or like he is monitoring it either, because you want to keep this a healthy/balanced lifestyle approach and not be overly restrictive and such. Tell him that this is your own personal journey, and you don’t want other voices in your head, you want to do this by yourself, for yourself. If he still continues to make comments after that, then you have to approach this even more seriously, but for now it doesn’t sound like he gets it. It sounds like this is mostly a you issue. You feel insecure, and his comments are adding to the pile. So, first ask him to stop, and then you need to shore up your own self confidence too.
The reality is your husband might (or might not, who knows) find your smaller size to be more attractive, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you the way you are either or has lost his attraction to you all together. I don’t think having a preference makes him a bad person or you unattractive. I know there are lots of people who say you should love your partner no matter what, and that size doesn’t matter, but I personally don’t find that to be a realistic expectation. You can’t tell me that if your husband suddenly gained 100lbs that you would feel the same about him sexually, would you?
YOU probably find your smaller version more attractive too, maybe you think it looks better, your clothes fit better, you are just happier being that size, etc. I know I feel this way about myself, which is why I try to maintain the body type that I like the most for myself, so I can be feel sexier in my own skin, which ends up projecting a more confident person overall too. Nothing wrong with that, but life happens, pregnancy happened to me, and for a few years there I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but life went on…until I was ready to address it.
I personally would find my husband more attractive if he didn’t have a big belly, especially since he was fit when we started dating and I kind of expected him to stay more or less in that territory. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him as he is. But it would be a lie to say I would not find him more attractive in a more fit package. I know it is up to him to decide how he wants to look. It’s just my preference.
In 20 years of marriage, both me and my wife have had our weight fluctuate. We both encourage each other when we know the other is actively working on loosing weight.
She’s done a much better job than me & now feels kind of out of my league. Still, I know she loves me because she shows me in many ways. And yes, her encouragement when she knows I’m making an effort is one of those ways.
My wife is losing because it is medically necessary.
This lives in its own box separate from our sex life.
My wife is absolutely aware that I can’t keep my hands off of her and that find every square inch of her sexy.
I support her on her weight loss journey but she knows my attraction to her is not contingent on her success.