What advice would you have for 30+ woman trying to date 30+ men?

34 comments

1. Relate to us as equals.

   Only date guys that you’re attracted to enough to fuck without needing to make it an ulterior exchange.

   Personally I just don’t care if a woman is successful or unsuccessful – it’s more about whether her heart works and she likes to fuck.

2. Are you looking for a husband who’s right for you or do you want to be a wife for the right person?

3. You sound like a lot to deal with.

4. The very first thing you say when describing yourself is patting yourself on the back about your career. That, along with “I’m successful so I’m indimidating” (total myth) and still talking about your ex is a total turn off. Wouldn’t be a second date if it was me.

   You’re just coming across as an unpleasant person.

5. Look, it’s been six months. Way too soon to buy into generalizing tropes that justify self-defeating behaviors. Be yourself, be open, and don’t forget that you can’t hide the real you for the rest of your life.

   “They’re intimidated by your success” is a nice thing to say to someone when you have no advice to give or to reject someone while complementing them.

   There is a subset of people for whom “I’m too successful to date,” means lost in their career and not willing to make room in their life for a relationship. If that’s you, that’s you, but I can’t tell from what you wrote. Others who say “I’m too successful to date” really mean “I’m too successful to date someone who makes more than me,” which you can aim for if you want, but you’re just narrowing your pool. But there is also no evidence from your post that you think that way.

   How exactly are you trying to meet someone? What do you want and what do you offer? What are your dealbreakers and things you like? Those are the things that matter.

6. Women have been over sold on the “strong independent women” thing

7. Men don’t see your career as a negative, but its just not a really positive either, it’s not something super important to us as we don’t benefit from it like if the genders were reversed. This ‘they are intimidated’ thing is not a thing, men are rarely intimidated in that sense, they just are not interested.

   Might be that you’re looking at the wrong places or your standards are too high.

8. You’re 32 and set in your ways. A man would have to change his life to accommodate you. He’s also 30+ and probably smart enough not to do that because he’s learned what happens when he does. So you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle.

   Also, if he’s interested in a family then there isn’t enough time to get to know if you’re the right woman to marry let alone have kids with. A man should date a woman at least 5 years before he considers marrying her.

   The “intimidation” thing is a trope women say to reassure each other. You’re not intimidating. But what you are is difficult to deal with. When a man is with his wife the last thing he needs is difficult.

9. It sounds like you’re doing great in life and are aware of it. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. But also don’t let people take advantage of you. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should. Keep working on yourself and your life, you’ll find someone who you connect with.

10. You seem to emphasise that you’re “successful” in a work context a lot, from this post.

    As far as intimidating and being too independent – I don’t want someone who I feel like I have to compete for their time and attention. Having a life of your own is good and necessary, but if you have SO much else in your life that I only get to be a tiny piece of it and my own needs aren’t going to be met in terms of being part of your life – feeling like I’m having to compete with your friends or job – then yeah, that’s where the intimidating part starts coming in. That part of a relationship shouldn’t be effort, and makes one ask if you actually have the time or interest in a relationship.

11. I would not be intimidated by a successful woman. I would find the continuous hinting at how much money she has kind of off-putting.

12. 33M here. I don’t see any red flags based on what you described, except I’m not uncomfortable dating who’s out of a LTR only 6 months ago. I prefer that it’s at least a year. Besides that, you seem good and seem to fit what I’m looking for in a partner. But that’s just me, I don’t know about other guys. You do you and you’ll find Mr. Right. Good luck!

13. This is gonna sound lame but one reason a lot of guys aren’t as attracted to 30+ women is because of a sort of “been there done that” kind of attitude they tend to have. We’re led to think that we have to “work for it” but it feels like we’re making zero progress if the response to everything gives off an “unimpressed” kind of vibe.

    My friends go on Tinder dates all the time and they often come away thinking they were too boring and wasted the girls time but then receive a message about how great the date went.

    But then when they go out with girls in their 20s, they’re less experienced in the world so are genuinely impressed by stuff and open to new ideas. They come away with a more positive impression of the experience.

    So yeah, they come away from those experiences with different feelings. Girls do too, they often come away from dates with guys in their 20s feeling like they were talking to a broke high schooler whereas guys in their 30s to come off as more mature or capable of taking care of themselves.

14. I’d date you in a second. Sounds like you have it together. I at least enjoy someone with my level of success and intelligence or higher than mine.

15. Why not start with one guy, maybe 2, don’t jump right to 30+. I mean how much free time do you have? Just keeping their names straight is going to be tough?

    But seriously, at 30, people are starting their “real life”, and making plans for the future. Quick flings may be less available. People will start to have baggage, sometimes children from marriages, split houses etc. on the plus side, these men will often know themselves better, how to treat people, how to adult etc

16. The “men are intimidated” thing is really not broadly applicable. That’s a highly individualized issue for a man to have. Not the rarest one, no, but you can’t really make any assumptions that a given man will or will not have that feeling. In short, that stereotype just isn’t true.

    Firstly, I would say to look for partners in a situation where you already have something intellectually in common. A shared interest. Not a sport (though I mean, that’s not crazy either), but somewhere where you’ve paring down potential partners into a group you already know you’ll have something in common with. If you think “oh, we have no shared interests, but he’s nice and I think he’s attractive” well… relationships CAN be built on such a foundation, but it’s going to be harder, and less reliable.

    Your mantra seems to be “I’m attractive and successful, and this should be easy.” Well… that’s not how it works. Not when you’re looking for real, stable, committed relationships. You’ll get a thousand dates that way, but if you aren’t compatible mentally and emotionally? It’s going to be harder to find a longer term thing. Keep in mind that you’re looking at older men now (well, older relatively, but you know what I mean). The last time you were dating you were what, 25? There is an astronomical difference between those ages. There are plenty of idiot horn dogs at any age, but you’re also going to find a larger proportion of men who are ALSO looking for something stable, committed, and long term. Which means they’re not going to just say “she’s hot, kickass”. They’ll go on a date, decide you don’t feel compatible, and that’s that.

    What I’m trying to say is that I’m sure you have a shitload of stuff to offer a prospective partner. Focus on the other stuff, not looks or money, and focus on meeting people that match THAT stuff.

17. It’s absolutely not true, and for the right man you are a catch.

18. Watch videos by men on what men want and that will let you know what to emphasize and work on (we all can improve) so you can attract the men you want

19. I personally wouldn’t date you based on this description, but I don’t see any glaring red flags here. You probably wouldn’t date me either.

20. If a man is “intimidated by your background,” then he’s insecure so you shouldn’t consider him anyway.

21. nobody gives a shit about your job, and the fact that you supported a deadbeat for years is a huge red flag.

    NOW you want a successful guy?

22. Really I think the number one skill to making a relationship work is conflict resolution and a sense of self awareness. Judging by your post, you are coming into dating with a huge chip on your shoulder and bringing those assumptions into the dating pool. I would wager that you have poor conflict resolution and communication skills when it comes to a relationship. Especially in your comments you come off as wishy washy and placative (“I can go either way”) instead of telling us your ACTUAL preference. You also make it out like you’re a saint for supporting someone in a low period in their life, where he was unable to obtain gainful employment like that’s a badge of honor. No, it’s what is expected of a partner if you don’t want to be percieved as a fair weather girlfriend/wife. I ain’t sayin’ you’re a gold digger. But you are bringing a LOT of unspoken assumptions into a relationship without properly communicating about them. I found therapy very helpful after my last marriage ended poorly. I took away several insights when someone was there to keep me honest with the therapist.

23. I think you gotta do what men do go out alone and talk to men and ask them out. Dont wait. Dont go with your bff, go alone so no one can see the cringe or rejections

    Dont go to clubs go to bars where you can talk. I think stand up shows are great the really liw key basement ones.

24. >What would you suggest a woman like me do to get out of this situation? Like do I really have to start acting silly and dumb?

    You are like 6 months out of a relationship. You’re probably a little blinded by that but it actually takes time to find the right type of person you’d click with and who is on the same page as you. Both where you’re at in life, socioeconomically, emotionally/intellectually etc

    This isn’t a successful women kind of thing. It exists, sure. Some guys are turned off by her being independent. Other guys have their shit together and that’s a total non-issue.

    You’re eager to “get out of this situation” but you really should recognize finding something good doesn’t happen overnight. A lot of us luck into decent relationships in our 20s and we don’t realize how difficult it actually is to find the right type of person we can establish something with. My guess is that you’re encountering that now and wonder if it has to be something about you, or men, or what.

    If you’re normal and well-adjusted, you basically just have to be patient and keep looking. Most people do have someone good out there for them, it’s more a matter of luck and time finding them.

25. As a guy, none of us really care about your job or income, we care about if you have healthy financial habits.

    I also like women that can hold a good conversation and match the rooms energy. My wife is absolute doll around my super redneck family that I’ve always been afraid to introduce women to.

    The biggest thing is just getting out and doing things with people. I used dating sites and was fairly successful on them, but the women basically had to ask me out because I just put zero effort into the apps. I did much better at co-ed sports, breweries/Restaurants, and hanging around co-workers and friend groups to meet new people and women..

    Basically, do things and be around what you want to attract, or be aggressive on dating sites, I’m an outgoing guy who enjoys planning, but if a girl doesn’t want to make plans to meet for drink after 30 mins of texting I just don’t look at it again for a week. Haha

26. As someone who is married to a highly successful career woman, and known a lot, you first really need to define what your relationship is going to look like, and honestly, I only have seen two paths that work: the power couple, and the “trad” couple (where one partner earns all the cash, and the other partner supports them and the family). This was particularly true when I saw the partners at MBB, but have heard similar stories from my peers in banking, medicine, law etc.

    The fact is, if you’re in a highly charged career, you are going to have a huge number of demands. The hours, the travel, the stress, they don’t make it easy for you or your partner.

    So, what do those options look like? One of my mentors is a power couple; he is a partner at BCG, his wife is a surgeon. The way they solve the issue of raising two kids while working 60-90 hours a week is that they outsource EVERYTHING. They’re earning as a HH probably $1.5m+ but they have a very expensive life. They seem to enjoy it.

    The other option is the “trad” couple. That is what I am in, where I support my wife, who earns very well, and I run the household/ run my own online business. This isn’t for everyone, but it works for us. We have a lot of fun.

    The thing is, if you have high ambitions, you need a lot of support around you. You can decide to either buy it or marry it, but one of the rules in life is that there are no solutions, only tradeoffs.

27. If you haven’t done or tried therapy it might be worth considering as that in my experience has helped me gain some insights into how to maintain a good self-esteem and sense of self worth while being single. I’m open to a relationship and dating, but I am not trying to force or rush either thing. Sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you, maybe just give it some time and keep your eyes and ears open for someone that you find you like, get to know them/ask them out, and see where it goes from there.

    I have dated a woman a few years older than me (I’m 33) and thought she was the bee’s knees, but she did not want to continue a relationship. I just mention that as it seems like a bit of the comments here are about age and a fair amount about how dating a woman in her 20’s is more preferable. I personally have no problem dating women older than me if they are in good shape, take care of themselves mentally, are in a good spot career wise, and we click.

28. I’m early 40s looking to mostly date women in the 30-40 range. Here are some things I look for:

    Deal breakers:

    – Not being excessively negative/depressed
    – Not talking about work the entire time
    – Not being overweight. I know this is a sensitive topic, but it’s an absolute deal breaker for me. Not only is it unattractive, but it’s a sign that the woman is unhealthy, is at higher risk for heart disease, cancer, and poor mental health
    – Is she a reasonable conversationalist and asks me some questions. Does she spend the entire time just talking about herself and her own goals? With some women I wonder if they’ve left the first date knowing anything about me
    – Not financially responsible? Are you 30 with no savings? Do you have nothing that resembles a career at all? Life is insanely expensive right now, and I want to be able to afford a home and kids

    Are you in a small town? Are you dating way below your needed status level? Maybe get off the apps and try to join more professional meetups/associations.

29. There are many men here responding to you from the viewpoint that successful women don’t intimidate men, and that it’s some sort of myth. The reality is different. Men are socially conditioned to be providers and to think of their value in terms of what financials they bring to a relationship. The end result is that lots of men, even if otherwise egalitarian, struggle if a woman makes more money, or is more successful than them.

    If you want to avoid men who have that problem, be up front with it. You’re successful, and your career means something to you. As long as it doesn’t define you and take up all your time, that isn’t a you problem.

    [https://healthland.time.com/2013/08/30/honey-your-success-is-shrinking-me/](https://healthland.time.com/2013/08/30/honey-your-success-is-shrinking-me/)

    Take the time to find a man who isn’t intimidated by your success (and isn’t interested in being a sponge, either).

    Don’t compromise who you are in order to attract somebody. That’ll either trap you into that persona, or lead to disappointment or breakup when you revert to who you are. The right person will like you for who you are.

30. While I don’t have as strong an opinion as other commenters regarding the “successful career”, I do agree that it’s only as important as it is to a potential partner’s preferences.

    Short answer is just be authentic and engaging on your dates. Don’t come on strong, don’t “act silly and dumb” if that’s not who you are, and know that not everyone will be a catch for you too, so don’t be discouraged.

    From there, honestly there’s too many variables and preferences when it comes to dating, so just come to the table knowing yourself and living authentically (especially on your dates) so you and your potential dates can make informed decisions.

    Your confidence in what you bring is fine, but my 2¢ is to come to the table with:

    1. living by your core values and voicing them, which is pretty fundamental when it comes to finding compatibility
    1. knowing how to tactfully communicate and enforce your dealbreakers & boundaries (including enforcing boundaries for yourself)
    1. being curious of (and eventually committed to helping take care of) your partner’s needs

    If you have to compromise yourself (1-2) or aren’t interesting in sticking by who they are and what they need (3), then move on. That’s really all you can do; everything else is just details that can be fun to learn along the way.

31. Reading these comments is why Reddit is a terrible place for advice like this. So many people already making judgements about your entire life when you’re just providing your background. Not to mention people commenting shit like “you gotta date at least 5 years to marry” when that just depends on the relationship. There are no rules on how to go about your relationship.

    My advice to you is not to overthink things and date around to find the person right for you. Dating takes effort and work. You will have many chances.

    I wish the best of luck to you.

32. This thread is hilarious. It’s a fool’s errand to try and seek dating advice on the internet. People, men and women can rarely express the real reasons they are drawn to another person. We just make up explanations after the fact. Be approachable or approach other than that there are no shortcuts

33. IMO just be yourself and candid. The people who’ll vibe with you will eventually popup. Your highest chance is to hangout with successful and ambitious men via interest groups. Of course that pool is smaller but it won’t happen in the bar (too random).

    What helped me with dating over 30 was ruthless filtering. I just refused to waste time on dates and matches that I knew from the beginning are not a fit (whether values or lifestyle wise.). I also was not doing dates to just have fun but was very intentional about starting deep and meaningful conversations straight away.

    IMO knowing what you want is your northstar. You do sound like a catch (with a caveat that actions speak louder than words) and frankly for guys its hard to find women for long-term as well.

    Dating is like experiments, you try for a bit, see if after a few dates there are red flags, take a trip to simulate real life, see if the person is different during hard situations (you are both stranded without internet) and if all plays out well, you give it a chance. Otherwise you move on.

    Consider your location as well. Cities like New York attract successful men, but many will be burned out or straight narcissists, some probably will be great matches. It’d be a different situation in Casablanca.
    Successful women are desirable, by men with confidence and sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, many women misplaced the above specification as guys who are loud and aggressive which is not the same thing.

    Wish you all the best to finding the right one, its hard out there! But sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it should be.

34. Leave the bullshit and games.