I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, but I have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years and we are both in our mid 20s. Her family loves me, she is an incredible person, we have never had a fight, and she is almost everything I look for in a long term partner.
For the first 6 months we had sex 1-2 times a week which slowly went down to once a week. I was fine with this at the beginning because we clicked so well. I do have have a higher drive and 2-3 times a week would be perfect for me, but I can deal with 1-2 times a week if the relationship is going well.
Over the past few months we only have sex once every 2 weeks. There is no big reason for the this, she hasn’t taken on more stress, no change in mood or any sign of depression. I have even made a bigger effort to do far more than half of any cleaning, cooking, or chores to make her feel more relaxed. While also planning many more dates and other romantic things.
She does have an issue with orgasms and the last time she was able to was when she was 19. We have tried all sorts of thing to help her with this like, new toys, books/podcast, she has even talked to professionals about this. It seems like she has given up a bit in trying to solve this and and doesn’t think it’s a problem. I assume this must be a big factor as to why she has a lower libido.
She told me the other day she wants to be with me forever and ever get married and have kids. This made me excited to hear but at the same time, in the back of my head, I was thinking that there is no way I would be satisfied having sex once every 2 weeks for the rest of my life. Over the past few days the thought about ending things has crossed my mind. Would this be a selfish reason to break up?
17 comments
Sexual compatibility is an important factor for a successful relationship.
if you are unmatched sexually you will not be happy long term and may end up hating/resentiing her so its better you have a serious talk or break it off if its not happen no point dragging both down a drain to a hell hole
Everyone is entitled to have their own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Everyone is entitled to have their own “red flags”, boundaries, and “deal breakers”.
” It seems like she has given up a bit in trying to solve this and doesn’t think it’s a problem. ”
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask her* for what you want.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it’s usually best to move on.
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
The goal is to have a “soulmate” not a cellmate.
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***”Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** – Paulo Coelho ·
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. It’s certainly not the only thing or even the most important thing, but it is important.
I’m pretty confident that anyone with a reasonably strong sex drive is not going to be happy long term with infrequent sex, and regarding
> once every 2 weeks for the rest of my life
I hate to tell you that it’s likely to decline even more and even to 0. Even in good relationships where both people want sex, frequency often declines over time, and if one person really isn’t interested, it’s likely to decline more and possibly go away entirely.
If sex is important to you (which is perfectly reasonable) and it’s not to her, that’s probably an incompatibility that you can’t overcome.
I’d talk with her about it and try to find a resolution that you both think you can be satisfied with long term. If you can’t find such a resolution, breaking up might be the best thing to do.
Wanted to say that the people that have written stuff already already wrote some good stuff. But if something is truly important to you like sex, closeness or whatever is your thing then it is important. At least now.
And don’t continuisly violate your own beliefs. Adjust, yes, but you know.
Sexual compatibility is a very valid reason to end a relationship. What you have to weigh is what is her desire and is she willing to do something about it.
What birth control method do you use? Does she have any menstrual issues? I had issues with both but once those were resolved my sex drive recovered in a big way. Hormonal BC and a lot of menstrual issues affect drive.
Honestly sexual compatibility should be at the top of your list. Unless you are allowed to fuck other people
I think it’s selfish, just think of how much you guys are already looking ahead to. Giving up all that because you don’t get to fuck that often sounds very selfish *and* silly.
She’s got to take on pursuing an orgasm on her own. Your rate of sex will not go up from now unless she decides to be more sexual.
It’s okay if you leave someone over a gap in libidos. r/hlcommunity
There are many things required for a relationship to work long term.
If the sex isn’t good or great now, I wouldn’t expect it to get better as time goes on.
I hate to be the barrier of bad news but there is a possibility that she could be sexually involved with someone else. I’m not saying that this is whats happening. I’m saying it could be a possibility. So please do not approach her like she is cheating till you have all the facts.
If you and your gf share a deep connection and are having sex regularly. She has no major stress going on in her life. Then all of a sudden she is not sexually interested and you’ve known you’ve been good to her. I don’t know man that’s kind of a red flag.
Bro she’s in her 20s. It’s very uncommon for a woman in her 20s to have a low libido. I’m not saying it can’t happen I’m just saying it’s uncomfortable.
What type of meds is she on?
It’s not selfish. Sexual incompatibility is a real thing. When you get married, have careers, have kids, etc, life becomes busy and its easier to make excuses to not have sex or simply lose your libido. It will only get worse, unless its currently because of medication, stress, etc.
Sex and intimacy is a necessity in marriage imo. It can make the tough times more bearable and bring you closer.
You are responsible for your own happiness dating is about finding that perfect person (as perfect as possible)
At your age I wanted sex every time I got close to my girlfriend, there is no way that twice a month would be okay.
Don’t marry this girl, it would be a mistake
Even if you both want sex, there will be times in your life when you won’t have sex for a long time. Like, dude, it’s gonna be WEEKS, if not months, after she gives birth. Not to mention job stress, financial stress, additional health issues, injury… the list goes on. All of these can make someone not want to have sex.
If everything is actually truly great and you’re both communicating well, I’d say talk to a couples counselor. Get to the root of the issue, with the help of a mediator who is trained to deal with issues like these.
It’s not selfish to want a sexual relationship, and a libido mismatch can gradually poison a relationship. You’ll feel unfulfilled, she’ll feel pressured into sex and it’ll turn into a chore for her, dropping her libido further. It’s a service to both of you to end the relationship. But I’d suggest looking for solutions *with* her first. After all, if you find ants in your house, is your first step going to be to demolish the house? Probably not. You’ll want to find where the ants are coming in from, why they’re coming in, and to put in measures to keep them out; if all of those measures fail, by all means, tear it down.
Sexual compatibility is a major factor in relationships.
If it’s not there, and it’s important to you, then it’s ok to end it.