*Disclaimer: I’m not a qualified professional and I don’t know what I’m talking about. But this kind of just occurred to me so I thought I’d share.*
Earlier this year, we got a new co-worker. He’s 19. Extremely well-mannered and friendly. But it’s more than that. You can tell he’s a good-hearted guy deep down who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
And yet almost instantly I came out of every interaction with this guy strongly disliking him… (Which I felt really bad about).
I wasn’t jealous or bitter of him or anything like that either. I just strongly avoided him like the plague as I’d find him genuinely irritating to be around.
And so I became curious: Why do I dislike a guy so much who seems like a truly swell guy?… And so I gave it some thought and think I’ve realized what it was. Something he does that 90% of people typically don’t do if they want to be well-liked…
And it’s that every single interaction I’d have with him where I’d try to be friendly with him, he’d turn it into some passive argument (or outwardly disagree with me unnecessarily). Where I felt like I was constantly being challenged.
And that’s when I had my eureka moment. It’s okay to disagree with people (we’re all different). But most people don’t let others know they disagree with them every time that they do… (but this guy does).
We were talking about an employee today, and I was telling him about how she’s leaving and will be working at Disney Land. I made a passing throwaway joke about how she’d make a good Belle from Beauty & the Beast as she looks like the spitting image of her. And he goes *”Nah, she looks nothing like her. She could be Snow White though.”*
And I just stood there and was like that right there is why I find this guy so irritating to be around. He’s constantly dismissing my opinions and views unnecessarily. He doesn’t have to agree, of course, but he also doesn’t need to constantly let me know he disagrees over such superficial nonsense.
And it might seem pedantic and like it’s nothing… But when somebody is always like that in casual conversations (it’s exhausting). And sounds like they’re trying to one-up you in everything.
And it made me realize how often people say things that I don’t necessarily agree with, but I don’t need to constantly let them know I disagree.
The other day, for example, I was in the tea room talking to this girl, and she was passionately telling me about her love of the singer The Weeknd. I’m not a huge fan of him myself, but it just seemed like common sense to me not to rain on her parade by frivolously mentioning my lack of interest in him?…
Instead, I shared her enthusiasm (because it was genuinely nice to see). And said that I was not very familiar with him but he sounds great. And was open to suggestions (which she happily gave me).
I just feel like people don’t need to know every single time you disagree or think differently to them. And if you constantly feel the need to ”Well Ahhkshually” people are just going to dislike you even if you seem like a nice enough person.
44 comments
This is cool like thinking about what makes people off putting to you. What do you think you’ll say to this dude next time the one that’s disagreeing a lot?
Thank you for making such an insightful post! There was a thread last week where someone was talking about how a friend had brought up the topic of a band they really liked and they were gushing over that fact. And then this person mentioned oh, someone else I know REALLY doesn’t like them.
Like, WHY? Why is it necessary to rain on someone’s parade, just because you personally might dislike them, or you know someone else who does? Unless you’re specifically ASKED, I wouldn’t mention a dislike at all. Your own or anyone else’s.
If people are talking about something that you don’t care for, instead of CRITICIZING it, instead ASK QUESTIONS about it. Ask them what they like about it, or how they got into it or whatever. Don’t RAIN ON THEIR PARADE.
Unless someone is literally asking you to buy concert tickets for a band you don’t like, there’s no reason to Go Negative on them.
Before you go into the crux of the story I thought you are going to mention a person that is over-anxious and polite.
You are absolutely right. I used to be this person. I wasn’t even trying to win arguments or provoke others. I used to be the kind of person who just had to have an opinion about everything. They were usually strong inflexible opinions. Which is kinda dumb. No one needs to have strong opinions on banana bread or kitten videos. And of course I felt entitled to shove them down people’s throats. Cause they were my legit world views, you know, so why should I hide it? That would be unauthentic, right? Wrong
I learned to be more flexible, I learned to disagree respectfully, and I learned that there are topics where there’s no right or wrong (what could be so right or wrong about kittens playing or bananas?) so there’s no need to “correct” anyone, play the devil’s advocate or share my super “enlightening” point of views.
The crazy thing is that I realized this after dealing with people like me at that time. I found someone who did the same and I found them insufferable. Then I noticed the patterns and realized I was acting the same. Now thankfully I’m better
I think it’s really hard for new employees not to give their two cents and playing the devils advocate on everything because there’s a lot of expectations on them to talk because they are new, even if they don’t want to. Also sometimes people just want to be part of a conversation so they don’t feel like outcasts and get disposed off.
Otherwise I agree with you completely and I’m thankful for your insightful discovery!
I also hope that I’m not the guy you just described because damn I feel called out. In that case hhave a joke. It’s called my life .o.
I have some thoughts. I’m just going to put this out there that I don’t understand the OP’s full situation (so my thoughts aren’t a direct reply), and also that no one really likes to be given unsolicited advice so feeling put off in that way is valid…
As a recovering people pleaser, it’s nice to be able to agree to disagree with people and be honest with your thoughts. Just because I disagree with you does not mean I invalidate your existence. I can see how some people may take it personally, though. I notice that only a few people are able to appreciate the “agree to disagree approach”.
My dad who was a really successful salesman would ask me “do you want an honest answer or a good answer?” A good answer is one wherein he’s able to build rapport with the client and an honest answer… well may not always sound nice.
I don’t think we really want to hear honest answers from most if not all people. We’d rather hear the good answer. However there are few people who are curious enough that the honest answer is what they want to know, as a way of getting to know the person they’re talking to better. Most times tho we care about this when they are someone we’re in a close relationship with and effort to understand the other is “expected”.
For me I’m pretty high on agreeableness. It’s second nature for me. I don’t need to be more agreeable. What I’m needing is to learn how to advocate for myself with boundaries and saying “no”. So sometimes this comes out not very gracefully since I’m still learning. Thanks for this post tho, it’s given me food for thought!
I also have a friend just like you described here. And it’s really annoying when they have to disagree in every little thing. Now I have started to ignore most of his things he says or do
It took me so long to identify that people were doing this to me, and you put it into words fantastically.
I spent a lot of time thinking, why am I so frustrated and exhausted after interactions with people? Often people I really like? Why do I feel like they’re argumentative even though we don’t really argue, and why do I get these patronizing vibes from them?
It turned out to be that exact behavior – the tendency to mildly disagree with everyfuckingthing I said. Or when I’d sort of repeat their sentiments back to them to clarify/show I understood, they’d pick apart my wording. Replace something with almost a perfect synonym in contexts where the nuance simply wasn’t that important.
It’s so tiresome and tedious to interact with people like this.
Sometimes, people may dislike someone even if they’re a decent person. From what you described, it seems like the new co-worker engages in unnecessary arguments and constantly disagrees with others. It can be tiring and annoying when someone feels the need to challenge every opinion or viewpoint. People may prefer a more harmonious and agreeable interaction, where it’s not necessary to constantly let others know you disagree. It’s all about finding a balance between expressing your thoughts and not dismissing others.
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Oh my god, I have a friend like this. I wish I could send her this anonymously somehow.
This is going to be a tough pill to swallow, especially for Redditors.
Not exactly the same, but close to it : an ex gf did something that drove me up the walls.
Very often I’d say something, she’d instantly disagree, then she’d actually think, and would most of the time agree (or not).
Bringing this up to her only resulted in “you just want me to agree with you all the time” like no, that’s not the fucking issue here.
Yup, it’s just one of many possible reasons why one would be disliked. It all boils down to how you make people feel. For me, I’m very polite and gentle, but I get the sense that I’m not very well liked. One of those reasons is that I’m very “flat” and sometimes overly formal in the way I act. I don’t have a liveliness to me, for the lack of a better word. I’ve tried to improve it, but even then it comes off awkward and artificial. I wonder if the guy you’re talking about perhaps also has the same trait.
welcome to the female experience. sorry i obviously don’t know your gender. but this is what a lot of men keep doing to a lot of women. i don’t like stereotypes but this is a real phenomenon. i’m grateful for every single person who doesn’t do that. i’m sure the people who do aren’t even aware they’re doing it and how exhausting it is to have everything questioned and minimized all the time
THANK YOU! This is why I can’t stand my husbands brother. He would do this all the time. He’s always like wellllll actually blah blah blah I’m like bro idc
My sister does this. And her counter points always start with “No….” like my opinions are always wrong.
She used to keep trying to engage me in conversation, and I kept walking away….
Why do people think this is a normal response? LOL
I agree. It’s something I’ve realized recently about why I always leave simple conversations with my mom feeling angry. It’s like she’s always trying to argue or one up. I can tell it’s not in a malicious way, but it’s still rude. I’ve heard it has a lot to do with autism. Not saying everyone who does this is on the spectrum, but many are.
I think there’s a time and place to disagree with people. If someone tells you they love apples, you don’t need to go into a tangent about how pears are better. Opinion isn’t always needed or important.
I work with a man like this. It’s very frustrating. But I try to be nice and keep it short. I could never really put my finger on it either- but now that I’ve read this I get it. It’s hard, especially when they follow you and comment on everything you do because they think they’re being helpful.
I don’t know if you are a woman, but… if you are, he could be one of those guys who can NEVER let a woman say something without being corrected. It’s a VERY deep rooted thing in a lot of men that SOME of them may not realize they are doing.
I think there’s a gradient between always disagreeing and pretending to agree. Your colleague could have said she could be Belle but he sees her more as Snow White. You could have said you’ve never really been into the Weeknd and asked for suggestions because her enthusiasm has piqued your interest.
If you’re always looking for ways to disagree I can see how that would irritate people and get tiresome but nodding along feels almost like hiding your own personality and being a yes-man which is no better.
The ability to disagree while allowing for differing opinions, especially if they are harmless, to coexist helps someone seem agreeable.
The “Yes and” approach would help this dude a lot. Even if he doesn’t really agree, it is more about agreeing that his coworker can come up with valid opinions too.
This is my boyfriend, and I don’t know how many more times I can explain how obnoxious it is. I’ve stopped even sharing opinions around him because I know he’s going to automatically disagree with me. It honestly eats away at my confidence in conversations. Anyone have tips on how I can convey this to him without sounding “overly sensitive”?
So well put, thank you, and …… ooooooghgh, I have been that person, and though I have awakened to it, I cringe so very hard at how f#€king irritating this is to others. My question now is whetherI send this to my older brother as he’s still got it to the max
I’m working with a young guy like that. I noticed he never validates what I say, like he always has to disagree or have a solution or something, so I pretty much just stopped bringing stuff up
A corollary to this is: if you find yourself starting sentences with “Well…” or “I mean…” or “I just think that…”, you should probably rethink your phrasing because it’s already coming off passively as “I’m about to contradict you”
I have a sister who is this person. Except she’s 35. It’s way less tolerable the older people get.
Yeah I used to do this. There’s a time and place for one’s opinions. It’s fine to have your own opinions about things, but it isn’t necessary to always be stating your opinion about something especially little things like that. It really just creates conflict and is irritating to be around. It’s like getting tickets to see your favorite artist and you’re so excited so you tell this person and they’re like oh I don’t think their music is that good. It’s unnecessary and it just brings people down.
Thank you a lot, I saved this one
Yesss. I have a friend like this and I don’t think she realizes how exhausting she is to be around. It’s just not fun.
Some people tire of constantly being argued with, like OP, and other people tire of yes-men who never voice their real opinion. I personally think there’s a time and place for both, and I try to surround myself with like-minded people. Mostly just focus on being yourself and surround yourself with other people who are similar to you.
Yeah, I met a guy like this last week. I was in his workspace and had to hang out there a while. He seemed friendly and wanted to talk, so we chatted quite a bit as he picked as his fussy technical task. And I noticed he seemed to be proud of his opinions, no matter how ill-informed or, frankly, laughable. Lots of tech skills (coder from childhood) and, to go along with that, lacking in social awareness – lol. It was easy for me to think, oh, I was maybe like that in my 20s. I’m over 60 now. I bet some people don’t grow out of it.
Damn…I do that a fair bit only because that’s how I contribute to a conversation if I don’t agree rather than saying nothing. Thank you for this post!
I worked with a young man like that too. But also he’d fart inchs from me and never owned up to it. Like buddy just say sorry, or like walk away if your insides are rotting. I worked in a very tight factory at the time.
But then none likes you if you’re too agreeable too and like everything they like. You can’t win. Most people with social issues can know these things but putting into practice won’t even work bc if you told this guy he’d probably then maybe go the extreme opposite and be too agreeable. Ps if you can’t tell from this post I’m the guy you’re talking about and the person with poor social skills. I’ve tried all the things. Have my own interests so I’m not too agreeable to what you’re mentioning. It’s so hard! I’m awkward haha! My sisters would tell me I’m always doing this. Then I became a people pleaser. That seems to annoy people too. I have adhd and it impairs my social filter and ability to perceive things. But this all does make sense. I really think there’s a middle ground. Being excited for the person not nec loving or liking or being too agreeable but not crapping on someone’s interests.
Even just the way he said it. He could’ve said “That’s right. She could also be Snow White too”. So he’d still be putting his opinion out there but in a friendlier way
As always it comes down to lying in order to preserve other people’s feelings. Something I need to work on, based on this post and comment thread. On the flip side, they’re sharing their opinions, why can’t or shouldn’t I?
I completely understand and empathize with you
The goal of any interaction should be to leave people better than we found them and it’s clear that this person failed to do that repeatedly while you consciously make those efforts
My only suggestion is to not people please and be who you are (a caring and supportive person) without changing who you are or pretending to be interested in things that you’re not
He doesn’t sound well mannered in my books if he does what you’re describing, frankly he sounds like a bit of a dick.
Thanks for posting this! I’m ashamed to admit that I may have done this a few times, without realizing it! I suspect I may be some variation of ND.
I think it is because I have anxiety about being a “bad person”: And in my mind, if I’m not “authentic” or “true to myself.”, then I’m a bad person! I know it sounds stupid, but that’s how I felt!
So for me, it was NOT about being argumentative or needing to be “right” or anything like that. It was about making sure that I’m a “good person” by being “true to myself!”.
Basically, I took the whole “be true to yourself/be authentic” thing too literally! Which may be part of the ND thing.
As I got older and went through therapy, I got better about it. I’ll have to make sure I don’t still do it!
Constamt dealing with someone who does the one-upping is fatiguimg. I was like that when ykunger, but fortunately grew outxof it, so there might be hope for him.
It’s something everyone’s gotta learn at some point. Or not, I guess, but they will find themselves pushing people away if they don’t. Maybe they want that who fucking knows.
Anyway, you hit the nail on the head. At the end of the day, we don’t have any control over what we like. Our opinions are the direct output of our internal universe’s set and setting. When you share something that’s true in your universe, like your opinion on something, no one has the right to dispute that. Even if you’re bat-shit crazy. Because no one can literally sit in your brain with your genes and entire life’s experience up to that point and come up with a different conclusion. It’s just not possible. The best you can do is just assume everyone is speaking honestly from their perspective, and if you disagree with it, try to figure out how to translate what they are saying from their world-view into your-own…that’s the heart of understanding others as I see it. I would describe an elephant very differently if I was staring at it’s butt, than someone else standing in their face would. Arguing is like saying one of you is seeing the real elephant and the other is wrong, but the reality is you’re both wrong and both right. The translation is figuring out how to get from your butt-view to their face-view, because the elephant is real and bigger than both of you.
This person sounds like he’s yet to learn that his mental state is unique to him, and him alone. You sound like you’re detecting this underlying human truth, and I’m applauding you for doing that, as well as expressing it in my own way here. The truth is not just two sides of a coin, it’s a billion perspectives of it. No single perspective is more correct than the other.
Woman with autism here. This is really helpful! I never thought about people not reacting honestly. Makes me think about whether I’ve accidentally been this guy because to me I’m not being negative I’m just giving my honest opinion. Thank you!
> But when somebody is always like that in casual conversations (it’s exhausting). And sounds like they’re trying to one-up you in everything.
Because not being able to tell your own opinion but must agree with somebody else is not tiresome at all and not exhausting. Look deeper into yourself if I might recommend.
You don’t want conversations, you want others to always go along with your opinion.