I think I really messed up this time.
Backstory:
My boyfriend(25M) is in the military. We have been on and off for about a year. Overall he’s a good boyfriend but can be very condescending and controlling at times. Especially when I make honest mistakes. We don’t see each other often but I always make an effort to see him. I’ve taken
We had made plans last week to go to church today. Last night he texted me around 11pm (I got off work at around 10pm) asking me what the plan was. I found a church that was open early at 7am so i could make it to work at 9am and sent him the address. From this point it was 12am I set 3 alarms and fell asleep.
I wake up at 8:26am 💀my heart dropped because I immediately knew I was too rested for it to be 6am. I was terrified and shuffled to get my phone. He was super upset (understandable) . He went to the church service without me and texted me that I set him up and that I don’t work hard enough to be tired.
As soon as I wake up I start getting dressed and ready while texting him apologizing and explaining the situation & that I’ll even call out of work so I can spend time with him this Sunday. He declined all my calls and won’t respond to my texts….
He’s giving me the silent treatment … which I get but really? He didn’t call me once , I should have told him to call me if he doesn’t hear from me 🙁 I feel really bad but I’m also afraid of when he does eventually text me or call me that he’s just gonna completely tear down my character.
Technically we’re engaged too and I’m afraid he will call it off . Or just leave me in the dark.
Idk what to do if he’s giving me the silent treatment 😔 he knows that kills me so I’m pretty sure that’s why he’s doing it. I’m sure he feels betrayed and hurt . I just wish I could make it up to him…
Has anyone been in this situation? Have any words of encouragement or advice ? I keep blowing up his phone with sorry and I love you texts and I feel like that’s not effective
🚨🚨🚨🚨UPDATE:🚨🚨🚨🚨
Hi guys! I just got in my break at work and was surprised to see all the responses. Thank you to all who put in their 2 sense . Keep it coming <3 I’m gonna respond to the comments. One thing about Reddit is y’all will not feed into anyones delusions🤣 I love that , I knew it was bad but now I know it’s really bad.
He texted me back calling me crazy for thinking he was giving me the silent treatment and told me he saw my text but was already at another church… the gaslighting …
I wish I could insert screenshots because I’m finally seeing the manipulation. I explained to him I don’t tolerate the silent treatment or any of the slick condescending treatment and threatened to breakup with him. He disregarded everything I said and told me never to “call out for him” and I should “do what I do”. He acts like a happy kind individual but there’s just something so eerie and dark.
He’s conditioned me. Genuinely I’m scared of him and feel brainwashed . I don’t want to be married to someone like this. He’s controlled me sexually , financially (almost forced me to quit my jobs because he wanted to provide for me) & physiologically. He uses God to control me and tells me I’m going to hell because I have a single tattoo yet Every time I see him he refuses to let me sleep .. and forces me to have s*x with him even if I really don’t want too. yikes typing that it sounds real bad.
I let it happen even when I knew it wasn’t right , I love him. But sometimes that isn’t enough if someone isn’t even treating you right. He’s never put his hands on me so the people I’ve spoken to about this say it’s not bad at all…
It’s gonna be the hardest thing I have to do and he’s gonna fight me on it and gaslight me but it’s for the better.
Thank you guys, because I was stuck in a bliss ignorance until now .
I’m planning my exit & never looking back
29 comments
-He’s a really good boyfriend- and -he’s condescending and controlling- do not fit together.
He is either a good boyfriend OR he is controlling and abus…. condescending.
And if you can’t see the difference there you are not ready to commit your life to another person.
You really shouldn’t feel “terrified” of your boyfriend.
You know his behavior isn’t normal or healthy, right?
This is a complete overreaction on his part.
It’s not like you deliberately missed it
His behaviour isn’t normal and it’s terrible honestly, you deserve better
I dont let partners give me the silent treatment
Which is a form of abuse btw
I would let him continue his silent treatment and block him. You have already realized he is condescending and controlling. Why stay with him and get even more of that attitude and treatment? You can do better
He’s not a good boyfriend at all, he’s controlling and manipulative – this makes him an abusive boyfriend. Please end the relationship before you get hurt.
He can’t be a good boyfriend if he’s condescending and demanding at any point in the relationship. If you want to have a good and healthy relationship, this is not a man that will work with you to have that.
If you want to stay with him and accept him treating you like he’s somehow better than you by disrespecting and being an ass, by all means agree to everything he says always and forever.
I don’t want to come off as rude, but you really deserve someone who doesn’t over react like this and is so comfortable in being passive aggressive towards you. You mention being afraid of him completely tearing down your character if he does answer, that’s not ok and is abusive.
I wish you luck and I hope you can distance yourself from someone who is so vindictive, that’s not how people should treat the ones they love.
Isn’t church supposed to teach forgiveness?
OP, my love, I had a VERY similar situation happen with my ex-fiance. TLDR; that’s the marker of an emotionally abusive relationship and someone who uses your emotions to manipulate you. I called it off 45 days before the wedding because it wasn’t obvious to me until then. Please listen to the abundance of unbiased, third party advice you’re getting on this thread.
You may want to rationalize it with lots of things, but you said and I think you know this deep down: he isn’t kind to you…especially when you deserve it. Sounds like working till 10, etc IS a justifiable reason to be tired to me.
Another way to look at this is: do you want your daughters and sons to see their father treating their mother like this when she makes a minor misstep? That changed my perspective when I thought about that with my situation. Maybe it will resonate with you too. Sending you love. This is hard.
Your bf is an asshole and ya you messed up but girl you got home at almost midnight and had to work 9ths later. If he can’t understand that you’re tired and needed the sleep then he is not worth all this panic about.
I absolutely guarantee you’ll find someone else with a little more compassion. Maybe that’s what the preacher should have preached about at the church.
Last time a bf gave me the silent treatment, I blocked his ass and he became an ex without notice. I don’t tolerate stupid childish bullshit and nor should you.
I would encourage you to leave
This isn’t a normal behaviour or how partners are supposed to be treated. He also didn’t call or text to see if you were ok. You could have had a fall at home, been in an accident. He didn’t show signs of caring for your wellbeing. He made it all about him.
You say that you two have been off and on…so things aren’t even steady enough for a committed long term relationship let alone a marriage.
The two of you need to get to some counselling and sort these issues out before going any further with the relationship. There’s no point in continuing on as is because it sounds more like comfort and friendship than it does love and relationship.
I stopped at the second sentence of the “backstory.”
Leave.
Do not rationalize abuse for any reason.
Don’t.
Your whole post is a red flag. Full stop. He’s not a good BF. There is so much better out there for you.
Why are you torturing yourself? This isn’t a partnership, a relationship, it’s life with a controlling AH.
Get out.
The moment your instant reaction is to be terrified of your partner for a mistake it should be over. Been there. Not a way to live.
He obviously doesn’t take his religion seriously because aren’t you supposed to forgive sins.
I guess he missed the forgiveness and compassion lessons in the bible, you should run l. Too many red flags. Do you really want to spend your life with someone so controlling and emotionally abusive?
You don’t work hard enough to be tired? That, by itself, would be reason to step back and reevaluate all of those wonderful—but untrue—attributes you spelled out earlier.
You don’t work hard enough to be tired?!?
Girl, please. This guy is awful!
>I feel really bad but I’m also afraid of when he does eventually text me or call me that he’s just gonna completely tear down my character.
That sounds like a pretty extreme reaction for an honest mistake. I’m not religious, but I would assume your God understands that sometimes people sleep through an alarm.
I’d also point out that one of the hallmarks of adulthood is the ability to communicate.
The only way we have a chance of having our needs met is if we state those needs. Your partner choosing not to communicate sounds pretty immature, to me.
Don’t marry a guy who is so immature and lacking the ability to use his words. This is already abusive. It’ll get much worse if you marry.
You overslept. You tried to contact him immediately and he’s intentionally ignoring you to the point where you’re desperately chasing after him. Why?
The correct response should have been him calling you to find out where you were. Instead, he’s doing this so you’ll grovel and beg and then he will tell you that you owe him and he will throw it in your face and make you feel bad about yourself.
Take this as a sign to see the red flags and get away from this AH
What a nice church going christian military man
You didn’t convince anyone that your immature, emotionally manipulative, controlling, and condescending boyfriend is “overall a good boyfriend”.
On again, off again, for a year, and he puts you down and gives you the silent treatment.
Dump him and get a therapist who can help you understand how you deserve to be treated in a healthy relationship.
Holy shit 6am at church on the weekend?
Yeah no, anyone in my life is lucky if I can be bothered to do anything before 2pm.
“You don’t work hard enough to be tired.”
I hate people who say things like that. The implication is that you weren’t tired at all, and are just lazy and dishonest.
BABY listen to me, okay? Do not waver. Men like this get exponentially worse after marriage and kids. Fucking run. Google the power and control wheel – it goes over all the red flags for abusive relationships.
You got this 🫶
He’s military. Contact his command and let them know what is going on because you are scared that he knows where you live.