Hi guys so I just need to know if I’m lacking support from my husband. Together for 13 years married for 4 1/2 years.
Worth noting my father passed away beginning of the year so I’ve been upset recently.
Today at work we had a health check , first one since the pandemic. They checked many things like my lung function, hearing, blood pressure, cholesterol and weight. While my lungs , hearing and pressure was healthy and better in some cases for my age my weight and cholesterol was a different story. I haven’t been weighing myself for the past 2 1/2 years as the bathroom scales battery died and I couldn’t be arsed to get it sorted and nether could my husband when I jumped onto the scales I was floored , i’m at my heaviest ever by a long shot, 44 pounds since I last weighed myself and 28 pounds more than my previous heaviest. I cried. Then my cholesterol, never had a test before but the machine test basically couldn’t give a reading, it was too high and I need to see a doctor. I went home early crying with the feeling of shame.
When my husband came home he went to hug me and comfort me while I cried my eyes out over what happened. I just was so emotional and he just silently let me talk. Come dinner time and I don’t want to cook, I looked at the fridge and I was full of guilt. Husband said he will order food, I wasn’t feeling cooking anything but somehow that translated to I didn’t want food. When I realised he had ordered i mentioned what about me ? He said ” i said i was going to order”.. never mentioned to me when he was and what food he was getting, not as it mattered as he ordered mcdonalds of all things. I Curled up in a ball not wanting to look at him while he ate. Again I cried on and off for 2 hours and I get the silent hugs and ” I don’t know what to say”. Bed time, lights are off and I’m trying to sleep but brain says otherwise, I started to cry again. Husband says “are you crying again ? I can’t I’m going next door (guest bedroom) sorry I need my sleep” I cried even harder and thinking what support am I even getting and how stupid he is. Am I asking for too much?
TL:DR Upset I’ve gained alot of weight and my husband at best can only give a hug. He left the room as I cried to myself in bed rather than give the support I wanted.
5 comments
So I’m just going to chime in here from the perspective of the partner without the weight/health issue. Weight is a suuuuper sensitive subject for most people. It’s a source of a ton of insecurities, and just an extremely fraught topic in general. I’m not sure I’d have known exactly how to comfort you in that situation, either. And because there are so very many “wrong” things to say, I would have a really hard time finding words. It would make me want to avoid the situation entirely until my partner had calmed down a bit, and I had an idea of what I could actually do to be helpful. I think the McDonald’s thing was kind of idiotic and dense and tone deaf, but I’m not sure it was necessarily malicious.
I think that the likelihood here is more that your husband froze in the face of an incredibly delicate situation and decided to give you space. Probably because he was terrified to say the wrong thing and make it even worse for you unintentionally. Frankly I think he made the right move, especially given his little Mickey D’s stunt. It’s pretty much guaranteed he’d have stumbled over his attempts at being reassuring and supportive and ended up accidentally making everything about a million times worse. I think that maybe if you need support in this particular area, a therapist/dietitian/trainer/Dr is a source more likely to be helpful and less likely to cause turmoil in your relationship.
I really hope I phrased this in a way where you don’t feel attacked or like I’m trying to invalidate how you feel. I’m only trying to help you understand a little better, from the perspective of somebody married to a person who struggles in this area.
I know your upset i really do but what could he have done or said that would magically made everything better. If you ate takeout you’d have felt worse especially mcdonalds and you didn’t communicate with him about ordering food and then your angry at him for eating what he ordered.
In the end your upset about your health and need support which is fair enough but you need to communicate what that means you need from him because i wouldn’t know how to help you other than comforting you in that situation. I really hope you start to feel better about your health and can work on it till your happy you’ve got this maybe ask him to start going gym together and if he wants to cook, i don’t think your bad for being upset i just think you’ve redirected your anger at him.
“Hey darlin’ I know this has upset you. Let’s just stay together quietly tonight and when you’re feeling better, we can talk about things in the morning.”
I don’t even know you and I did a better job at being empathetic.
If this is a bonehead mistake from a typically supportive partner, let it go and be clear about what is helpful to you. If this is how he rolls, maybe you’re getting a wake up call.
So, in your own words, he hugged you. He comforted you. He listened to you while you talked. He didn’t pressure you or complain when you said you didn’t want to cook and then he took care of his own food. While you cried again, he again gave you hugs, and then when you discussed it he was honest with you that he didn’t know what to say. And he did this repeatedly for your crying spells that were “on and off” for **HOURS** by your own admission.
I agree with the other poster that the McDonald’s is sort’ve tone deaf, but it sounds like he was supportive. He didn’t ignore you, he didn’t belittle you, he didn’t make fun of you, he didn’t laugh and make some comment about “girls and their emotions”, he didn’t leave to go somewhere else and avoid you, he didn’t shame you, he didn’t blame you, he didn’t tell you that you were being overly dramatic, he didn’t lie to your face, he didn’t try to insert himself into your situation or turn the focus to him, he didn’t try to say “I told you so”, he didn’t tell you that “well how did you not know?”, he didn’t tell you to “get over it”.
It sounds like when he was honest that he was at the end of his rope, and needed a break and take care of his own physical needs- when it sounds like he just spent HOURS focusing on your emotional needs- you responded in a very self-centered way, blaming him for not being supportive after he just spent hours just doing that.
I think he gave you a good amount of support. Sometimes people don’t know exactly what you are thinking or what to say to make you feel better. Communicating things like, “I’m too sad to cook. Can you order me something healthy?” And “I’d like more than a hug. I want you to tell me that things will be okay” would help him. He can’t read your mind.