Hi everyone. I’m getting back into the dating scene after being in a long term relationship and I’m struggling with trying to avoid being seen as a meal ticket (this is a pretty rude way to put it, but I’m not sure how else to describe). I work in tech and make very good money for my age. I also own a home in one of the most expensive housing markets in America. Inevitably, conversation turns to what we do for work, or where we live etc. How can I steer away from this early on without coming across as a cryptic weirdo? I have literally had women look my house up on Zillow after a few dates and it makes me pretty uncomfortable.
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Can’t you just say you work in tech? Don’t have to specifically say your role. Or you can say “I do a bit of everything” and give a basic description of what you do. They don’t need to know what you earn? If they ask you can always say it’s comfortable, like I am good (don’t need to go to specifics).
In terms of where you live you can make a joke about how you are scared of serial killers or something like that. To put off having to answer that. Or just say you don’t feel comfortable early on to share where you live
when discussing hobbies don’t include swimming in the money pile
Those are two pretty common questions though. I wouldn’t be too specific. Don’t use executive titles if you have any. Also nobody should be able to look up your house just with the basic info given in the first few dates. Also don’t bring them to your home the first few dates.
But yeah being super vague will come off weird or like you’re hiding your secret family.
I typically mention what industry I’m in and if they ask how much I make I say I like to keep my financials private. That’s it and people usually respect that boundary.
Just say you work in tech and if they ask what you earn crack a joke.
Okay who is even asking how much you make on a first date wtf, I’ve been doing dating it all wrong apparently.
Don’t take them to your place for a while, don’t mention you own your own place, and keep the job really vague. Bonus points for consultant, self employed, and ‘finding myself.’ I’m 27F but I always see a shift in behavior when guys see my apartment (I have a whole room for my pets in a HCOL) or figure out I own an investment property. Ive also had a guy ask what my salary & rental income was, but after a few months of dating. He refused to tell me how much he made though.
You can’t really avoid it, you can set boundaries with your dates though. If you’re just getting to know them tell them you’re more comfortable sharing salaries a bit later. This only works on who you’re picking for dates and if you can see how they respond to things.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation where that would even come up while on a date. It’s a pretty invasive question that most people would consider rude to ask. I’d just say avoid women who would ask that all together
Usually what I did before was just not tell them.
It’s honestly rude for people to ask.. Idk how anyone would think it’s okay, especially in the first stages of getting to know someone..
Im confused lmao
I feel like…if you gave me a description of your work – because you’re in tech and it seems to be one of those industries where, if you’re not in tune to what’s happening you’re just not in tune at all – I wouldn’t know what you did.
I recently dated a very rich guy whose dad is a famous actor (didnt work out, but we had a nice time for a few months and ended on good terms). I didn’t know about any of it until date 3. Date 1 & 2 I could tell at least money wasn’t an issue as he had no qualms about paying for everything immediately. How is it that women know your address and salary so quick??? This seems like a “you do want to brag about it but you don’t want to be used for it” situation. You can’t have both…if “not being used” is a big problem for you, reveal less about your lifestyle at first 🤷♀️ there’s plenty plenty of other things to discuss rather than where you live and how much you make…even if they ask directly.
Also, you keep mentioning linked in. Linked in tells you nothing about how much you make or what your lifestyle is like lmao. Again, I just feel like the average person wouldn’t know what your title or title description means.
Girl here. I keep everything really, really vague. Where do you live? A city. Where do you work? A hospital. What do you for fun? Go out. I also google image blocked my house for safety reasons. I don’t let them walk me to my car. I will not allude to money, and usually go to a local bar and order an ice tea. I carry small bills, and pay cash. I think this tends to come off pretty evasive, but I’m pretty guarded anyway, so it takes someone with a lot of patience.
Just embrace it dude get really arrogant about it and act like Bruce Wayne or some shit
Just tell them you work in tech, and about your job, without using titles like CTO or VP of Global Infrastructure. And when talking about where you live, just use vague city areas (ex, if you live in LA, don’t say Beverly Hills, say ‘West LA’ or something). Eventually if you want to get closer they will have to find out about some of these things, though- like where you live- or else it comes off as shady. You probably don’t ever have to disclose your salary or net worth though, and if they ask you can brush it off with a joke and change the subject, but understand that a girl who asks about your money is not someone you probably wanna call again.
How do you know they looked up your house on Zillow? Did they tell you? I can’t imagine telling someone “hey, I looked up the value of your home on Zillow”.
Just tell them exactly that! Tell them you work in tech! It’s a very broad field. I would also suggest meeting them up for coffee or drinks instead of dinner. Keep it inexpensive to filter out the ones trying to use you for a meal ticket.
Stop.
This is not a real problem.
Are you taking them on a dinner and drinks date on the first meet up? One way to at least partially filter out the dates looking for a “meal ticket” is to offer a nice walk in a (busy) public park instead. If/when they ask too soon maybe just say, “I’m not ready to share that right now but I can afford to buy my own ice cream cone when the ice cream truck passes by.” Humor is always good…and if it’s not, then that tells you a lot.
“What do you do?”
Say the vaguest-sounding job title while also still technically being accurate. Don’t go into details about what you do.
“Where do you live?”
Say the city you live in; or any nearby cross-street with either a major landmark or a fast food joint.
Otherwise, don’t wear fancy name-brand clothes (generic, non-descript), don’t openly wear fancy jewelry or watches, don’t wear fancy shoes. The “meal ticket seekers”/”gold diggers” will tend to know what to look for.
You can start to wear those things again (if indeed you wear them regularly) once she gets to know & like The Real You, whatever that means to you–could be when you think she’s comfortable with the grunginess you’ve got going on, or when you both start paying for things equally, or when you’ve checked out *her* story entirely, and on and on.
Echoing what most people have said, it’s a red flag if women are fishing for answers that would give away your financial status. I also work in tech (but not exactly swimming in cash lol) and I won’t share the company I work for just for privacy sake on the first few dates. As far as where you live, to your point about having a unique name, you can’t control people googling you, but you can definitely avoid questions about owning a house. Simply answer the part of town you live in, or whatever.
tl;dr — until you know you vibe with someone you absolutely should not feel like you have to share that info and if that’s the thing they’re most curious about, they’re not worth your time. You may also need to tamper some of the things you talk about upfront (speculative, no idea what you share about yourself).
Sounds like I’m older so this may not count but I’ve never been asked this early on. Ever. My 5 month GF just asked me how much I make but things are going so well that it seemed appropriate to do so.
As for you, I would deflect the question if possible. If it makes you that uncomfortable, just state it.
Do they ask you what yo do or how much money you make? Just say you work in tech. Unless they also work in tech they probably are not going to give a shit about specifics.
Keep things vague, you don’t have to provide your life life story. If you go out on a few dates with someone take notice of how they act. Did they at least offer to pay for themselves or pay for one date? Are they asking you too many questions about your finances?
Thinking that most women are going to just use you for your money is fear mongering.
I mean, if you become paranoid about it that also could create a new problem. I’d be really offended if a man felt like he had to hide what he did for a living/how he lived because he’s afraid I’ll use him for money. It would come across to me like you were playing games and making me jumping through hoops to pass a test rather than just hanging out and getting to know each other. If you have money, you have money. Whatever. If you have like 1% kind of money, then sure be extra careful, but otherwise I would try not to get into your head about it.
For most women, your high paying job is appealing, but only to a certain extent. I’d never put up with someone boring, insulting, annoying whatever just because he has money and most women I know feel the same. The times when I hear women be concerned about money or shallow, it’s more like they wouldn’t date a guy who isn’t financial stable, but that’s not the same thing as actively searching for someone rich.
Instead of focusing on how to hide this information, I would just be on the look out for the behaviors women do that make you uncomfortable. She keeps asking what possessions you own? Cut it off. She keeps encouraging you to pay for things you shouldn’t be paying for, cut her off. She doesn’t seem like she is capable of supporting herself without you, let her go.
Hopefully it was only a one off bad experience with that women, but truly the average women is not a “gold digger”. That’s really a fear men have but as a woman I truly never hear women talk about pursuing men only for their money. I’m sure women like that exist, but they aren’t the majority. We want love and respect 🙂
Oh good grief…
if you can’t tell who is a good digger within a reasonable time frame while dating, you need therapy to learn what apropos boundaries (and manners) look like.
In general,
In general, people with any social skills do not ask you how much you make. Period. It is gross and invasive.
Look for people with similar interests and lifestyles because they tends to make better relationships ships.
Being generous does not include paying someone’s Bill’s or bailing them out if a bad situation financially
If they ask you for money (other than for shared expenses like going on a trip together), immediate no go forward.
Gold diggers are usually pretty up front that it is pay to play. They want stuff and experiences. Their needs and wants are heavily financial (can you buy me X, I want to go to X expensive place, I’m in a jam can you float me x$).
If all you run into is gold diggers, you need to get your picker looked at.
Do women want men who are stable and financially successful?
Uh, yes.
Especially if they are successful too.
There are lots of Male gold diggers, so successful women often are looking simply for someone who can hold their own in their life.