For Context:
My Wife (25) and I (25F) have been together since we were 17, and have been married for 2 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for 6 of those. There were red flags that we weren’t compatible from the beginning but I was young and my wife is my first love and lover and with how young we were, I solidly believed in change. Throughout the years a lot has changed, we grew up, went to college, we both have full time jobs and we own a home. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD since her late teens and was diagnosed with a common chronic illness a few years ago that affects her blood pressure and makes her fatigued. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, OCD, Anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. My wife has been in therapy for 3 years now and I have been in therapy for going on 2. My mother was an INTENSE HOARDER my entire life and I was the ‘house cleaner’ so I have a lot of trauma when it comes to living in clutter/trash (this is all important). A run down of our biggest issues:
– Household Responsibilities fall on me. It’s literally 98%/2%. From the 3 animals, to LITERALLY ALL cleaning. I mean, my wife will go MONTHS without doing a SINGLE chore (even as little as sweeping, cats litter boxes or wiping the counters down). I’ve been told not to ‘save her’ by doing her chores by my therapist, her therapist and herself but the house gets so bad it gets to the point I have absolute mental breakdown because I’ve asked for something to get done for weeeeks. My wife says that it’s just my OCD, but it will get to the point the dishes are covered in mold and the kitchen is unusable; by this point she is to overwhelmed to do it, so she calls one of her family members to come do it for her. The fact that she lets it get that bad after I asked almost every day up until that point and then has SOMEONE WHO DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN OUR HOUSE DO IT gives me the ick. This leads to other fights because my wife will be mad she doesn’t know where something is, though it sat on the table for 3 days before I finally picked it up. I’ve tried everything from therapy sessions, different ‘systems’, asking nicely (from day/day to hour/hour), leaving sticky notes, even suggesting a Dry Erase Board but shes ‘to embarrassed’ to have one up.. almost all systems she comes up with include me doing the brunt end of the work. For example: If I ask her to sweep, she will get everything into a pile and I have to be the one to bend down and put it into the dust pan and then into the trash. If I ask her to empty the maybe 2-3ft trash can in the front room, on the Rare occasion I’ll stand there and hold the new trash bag open for her, but usually I’m the one grabbing the trash can and dumping it while she holds the bag. I have to be there with her and doing half of the chore for it to get done.
-Problem 2 follows Problem 1. On days I ask for help around the house or just help with anything, I’ll get told her chronic illness is in a flare and she can’t help, but; there have been 100 dozen times where my wife will tell me that and one of her friends messages her to hang out or Host a show (she’s a show host at different clubs, WHICH IS NOT AN ‘ON THE BOOKS’ JOB. SHE WILL NOT ‘GET A WRITE UP’ OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT FOR SAYING NO. ITS ALL TIP BASED *80$ on a good night* SO ITS NOT LIKE IM MAD AT HER FOR GETTING CALLED INTO WORK ON THOSE NIGHTS OR SOMETHING) she’s up getting ready and out the door in 30 minutes. Which is a slap in the freaking face in all honesty. There are also multiple (average of 3) days a month where she will go out with friends/host a show on a work night and stay out until 1-2am (she doesn’t drink) and will call in the next day because a lack of sleep affects her chronic illness and she doesn’t feel well enough to go in. My wife has FMLA due to her illness, but it’s only covered when she has comp time (which is rarely because she uses so much). The fact that she puts going out with her friends over going to work and providing for or even helping clean our household, honestly gives me the ick. Problems 1 & 2 ‘get fixed’ by promises of change & feeling like I’m married to her family because they’re actually helping me in the house. The ‘change’ happens for a week or two & then everything going back to me doing everything or it all going to shit. It’s been YEARS of this.
– Problem 3: There’s little to No physical intimacy, not just sexually, I mean.. the little things we all love.. holding hands, back rubs, cuddling, etc.. I mean, we literally only kiss when one of us is leaving.. Which means, yes, our sex life is also little to nothing. We’ve had sex once in all of 2023 for less than 20 minutes, she had been drinking and I was hoping it’d help me reconnect, it did not. Our sex life has been dead on and off for years, but the last 3 or 4 years, I’m lucky to get that connection from her 1-2 times every 3-4 months. Every single time, I have to initiate it and I’m the one doing most of the work.. which started making me feel unwanted, and unattractive, so I just stopped initiating it. She said it was meds, then those changed and she’s now been off all psych meds for 2 years, then it was hormones but we got those checked and everything is normal. What gets me is, throughout the years, we’ve had friends interested in *exploring* being sexual with another couple and my wife was DOWWWWN for this. When I talked about how it hurt my feelings, she said it turned her on because ‘I’m the hot friend and everyone wants me so she likes showing me off’ which I would be okay with IF we had a sexual relationship outside of those experiences with our friends too and I felt like more than just some ‘trophy wife’.
Our fights are like we’re fighting against each other and not with each other AGAINST the problem. Which I feel like is due to the fact that we’ve kind’ve exhausted all measures. When I have my breakdowns, wether it’s crying and pleading for something to get taken off my plate or screaming that I’m sick of feeling like a parent instead of a partner, I get told I don’t have what it takes to be with someone with a chronic illness which breaks me because I’m trying my hardest. I have a lot of resentment towards my wife for not helping around the house/with the animals but going out with friends/hosting a show and the added pressure of having to be her caregiver on top of that gets to be so much sometimes. I work in the childcare field (specifically with toddlers) which includes A LOT of cleaning and guiding someone along their day and it gets exhausting having to come home and gentle parent my wife into picking up after herself or helping with the house and having to guide her through it if she actually says yes. The biggest sign to me that we aren’t good for each other is that we’re starting to become a bit verbally abusive. We’ve both always been yellers, but now we’re calling each other out of our names, which is something we’ve never done due to it being a boundary for me because my parents were verbally abusive. My wife is my best friend, I love her more than I love myself most times, but I’m scared we no longer bring out the best in each other & we’re going to stay together so long we hate each other.