hey everyone,
basically my boyfriend(17) of six months has never planned a date for me (17). every single date it has been me who arranged it whether that be valentines and a whole day out or something small like baking a cake together at home (and yes I do pay for both of us don’t worry I don’t expect him to pay for it all) . i always go round his because he hates my family. whenever we hang it is just hugging , kissing , tv or videogames. i get bored…..especially since we only get to see each other one time. week since exams are coming. i just wish we could go out for an hour or two and THEN come home and cuddle and watch films.
it is starting to really bother me that he doesn’t plan a date. i have told him a few times calmly how I would like him to take me out because I value quality time with him and need dates to form a bond, and without him planning them it makes me feel like he doesn’t value time with me that much. this would be maybe like once a month and if it is too hard then we can come up with ideas together and he picks a random one. i tried to compromise since he said he wasn’t good at things but then again I know that if I’m not doing something right for him , I will learn and try and fix that.
he promised me he would plan a date which would be cupcake decorating at home. we never ended up doing it because he forgot and that upset me a lot because I had told him how happy I was that he had planned something. when I bring up him planning dates he will say oh “x sounds fun” but never goes through with it by picking a day or booking it etc.
other than that he is a good bf. he supports me and buys me little gifts and will listen when I’ve had a bad day. communication is terrible though. i express how I’m feeling and he gets angry and we argue. I’m trying to figure out how to get past this because even the dates are pissing him off but I thought dating involved….going on dates?
is this a deal breaker since I’m expressing my needs and he is getting insulted by them (he believes if we were in love then we don’t need to go out we just need to hang out which I understand and so idk if I’m asking for too much.) but it just makes me feel like he doesn’t value hanging with me since I’m putting in all the work.
i must also add that now that I’ve stopped putting in the effort to plan things, we seem to be resenting each other and getting snappy. but I don’t want to be the only one holding the relationship together to keep each other happy 24/7.
TL;DR! boyfriend never plans dates . always me planning and now that I’ve stopped planning , we seem less happy. am I asking him for too much by asking him to plan the occasional date?
6 comments
🚩red flag. He doesn’t want to be seen with you.
You’re not asking for too much. In a relationship like this, you both should be putting in the effort to make each other feel loved and cared for even if it’s just things like dates. I had an issue with this recently with my partner, and I was lucky that he shaped up quickly after knowing how I felt.
The relationship feels very one sided and it’s a red flag especially if he’s getting angry at you for expressing your emotions. I would think over this relationship. It’s gonna get toxic really fast.
Honestly please leave him. He is a walking/just existing red flag… I’m 23 now but when I was 14 I was in a relationship with a guy who is basically like your boyfriend now for 4 and a half years. I was always the one planning stuff or for us to do fun things, and he would just wanna sit on his bed play video games and be boring all day. He would be there for me sometimes when I was having a hard time but when I would express my feelings also he would get mad/upset at me and it was a vicious circle. You are 17 please find someone who actually wants to go on dates and plan meaning full stuff for you both, you deserve it and if he can’t do the bare minimum then think about how the rest of your life may look like if you stay together. I got out of that past relationship under horrible circumstances but I’m 23 now and engaged to be married in October. You’ll definitely find someone who will hold you both up on a pedestal instead of breaking you down .
The first and hardest lesson to learn in romance is that love, by itself, is not enough to make a relationship work. If you can’t communicate well with each other, learn to compromise and adapt/change/grow for each other, have different values, etc. then you’re stuck in a relationship that won’t get any better.
You’ve already tried talking calmly about it and he hasn’t changed. You’ve been upset and he hasn’t changed. So it’s up to you to decide: is this what I’m willing to settle for, for the rest of my life? Do you want to be perpetually resentful (which is another sign of an unhealthy relationship).
Seems a bit too soon in your life to say yes to that. You could try one last time and let him know that this relationship doesn’t seem to be working out because he isn’t willing to step up. And while he may argue that what you want isn’t important, it’s important to *you.*
His answer will tell you whether he’s willing to work for your relationship or not.
Then it’s on you to decide what to do about it, because no one else will or should
Good luck.
He’s not in love with you so otherwise he would do anything to spend time with you and that includes spending time at your place and taking you out on dates. You should probably finish it with him now before you waste anymore time and effort on someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate it or you.
You’re only 17 and it’s been only 6 months. He just isn’t that into you. A guy that was into you would be planning dates with you.