TW: (I don’t know how this works but I’d like to warn you beforehand. <3) Also, please be kind to me. I have no idea what’s happening and I didn’t when I was a kid.
I(23f) consider myself as an early bloomer. Not by physique, but there were so many things I shouldn’t have understood or felt this case as a kid. Going far back to 7 years old, I was sexually abused as a kid in the guise of “this is a game and we’re just playing”. I didn’t understand that I was being abused, but I thought it was a fun game, worth keeping secrets for, because I felt pleasure. Growing up I was abused by even more people and I couldn’t talk about it because of how volatile and unstable my family was. When I finally realized that I was treated horribly by these adults I trusted, I felt too guilty to report them because I did enjoy it. And one of the abusers gaslit me into believing no one would defend me since I was “wet”. (another one of them even invited me to his wedding last year!) All these years I have kept this part of me from everyone because I feel guilty for it. I had my first orgasm at 12 yrs old. I curse those people who did that to me.
Fast forward to this current time, I can’t seem to orgasm. It don’t matter how good or gentle the guy is, I don’t feel nothing down there. It doesn’t even get me wet. I can only come from my own pleasure with my hands. Soon as in being touched by someone else my horniness is out the window. I also have seem to lost every kind of stimulation down there, asides from my clit.
I know that a lot of women don’t have vaginal orgasms, but since I could orgasm before what has changed and how do I get it back?
I live in a country where sex topics are taboo, I don’t know who to ask. And I’m tired of getting the generic answers telling me to be more vocal about what I want in bed, it doesn’t work at all.
Please if you’re a healthcare professional in this field, I am kindly awaiting your comments. Tysm in advance.
EDIT (or a serious piece of advice): I’m talking about this despite the anxiety I feel because I believe my identity is hidden. Please and please, trust NO ONE around your kids. I was abused by both men and women and half of them were my family members, people that you would think are the safest to be around.
If you live in a place where sex topics are taboo, try as much as possible to be the good cop to your kid. Talk about stuff like these as much as you can so that your child can feel comfortable bringing it to you. In my case, I was so deceived and emotionally unstable. I thought that touching private parts was just as bad as alcohol.
I didn’t know that I was taken advantage of so badly. When I realized, I was thirteen and fought back as hard as I could. I thought that adults didn’t want us to participate because it was simply an adult thingy like getting a tattoo or drinking or smoking. And I was happy that the adults I played with thought I was fun to hang around. I didn’t know how truly disgusting it was for them to single out the kid that was emotionally unstable to do their horrid acts with. They knew exactly what they were doing and they knew that they’d get away with it. Please be careful and intentional with your kids. Learn the patterns and behaviors before its too late. I’m damaged now and none of my family knows because I still feel traumatized and afraid to tell them.
1 comment
First of all, as the husband of a childhood SA survivor, I am SO sorry for what happened to you! It’s a horrendous thing.
I can totally understand why you are unable to feel pleasure when with another person – it was another person who SA’d you, so your mind associates another person with danger and crossing boundaries, as opposed to pleasure and enjoyment.
Yes, it is good that you can acknowledge that partners you have had since then have been gentle and kind to you, but the logical mind and the emotional impulses we feel don’t often align. You can logically know that the partner you are with now is a good person, but your subconscious will still be reacting to your trauma.
You need to get yourself into therapy for what you went through. You need to unpack this trauma and learn to move past it, as opposed to simply “ignoring it”. Once you take down that wall in your mind that separates sexual pleasure within a safe environment (i.e. solo) with feelings of danger (with another person), you may well find your ability to feel pleasure opening up as well.
I wish you the best with this!