A little background, my wife and I are both about 40 and we have three kids under 10. She’s a part time healthcare worker, from home, midnights. I’m hybrid WFH. We are both mostly homebodies, somewhat by choice and somewhat due to the fact we have minimal village support and two of our kids have autism.
We’re 12 years married, and we have mostly for holidays & birthdays bought ourselves gifts, gave them to each other to wrap, and then let the kids give them back to us as a gift dad & the kids, or from mom & the kids. She did that this year with a very nice hardcover book she wanted, not a cheap item.
Our lifestyle is somewhat unconventional, she home schools 2/3 of the kids and is primarily interested in being home with them. Her goal is to eventually be fully at home. One of our kids goes to public special ed. Wife doesn’t like going out, her friends are longer distance and visit once or twice a year. So, she shops online only and for in person stuff or returns sends me with a list. I can count the number of times she’s been to a store in 12 years on one hand. She has not pumped gas since we’ve been married, or even been to a gas station since before we had kids. I’m our gopher. She takes our kids to most therapies, activities, co-op stuff, and does school drop-off for our youngest in special ed, who then takes the bus home.
I count my blessings in a lot of ways. She is also the least materialistic person I have ever met. In 12 years, I would say her total clothing, shoes, accessories expense for herself is well under $1000. When we dated, she wore mascara a bit, straightened her hair, and some light makeup but very rarely now for any of those. She wears skirts, soft floral print dresses, or leggings around the house. She cuts her own hair over the bathroom sink based on a Youtube video.
She says she has no complaints. I used offer to her if she wanted to go out, spend a day at the mall, go to Target instead of me. She is almost repulsed by the idea. It’s fine. I don’t mind a break from the hustle and bustle of the home, I shop, listen to podcasts or call my family on my AirPods, and catch up with mom & dad. If I go during my lunch break, I get my favorite drive-thru, shop, come home.
Last week, somehow she needed to look at something in person at a store, so after dropping off the kid at school she went just to run in. She called me excited that she forgot how much she liked looking at everything at the store. I told her no rush, I’ll figure out dinner, get the kid off the bus, just let me know and take your time. She was home over four hours later, the store is 5 minutes away. She even crossed the street to go to Target, too. She did spend a lot of money (on the kids, Christmas, birthday coming up). I was glad she had fun, and we are alright on money. She doesn’t want to do it again anytime soon, she says. Got it out of her system.
For Christmas….
There’s a really quaint new Italian bistro/deli in our little downtown area, right next door to a nice salon. I drive by it often and picture her going in for a sandwich, maybe reading for a bit, and visiting the salon. Part of this is just me wanting her to get a break from all the chaos, because it would I think overall be good for her. I also would not mind seeing her invest a little more in herself instead of the kids 100%. I keep thinking of getting gift cards to each and including them with her book for Christmas. Her first & last salon visit was our wedding day.
Would this be a waste? Am I doing it for the wrong reasons? I just feel unfair. I go to the barber once a month, I spend way more on my appearance than she does. I have to have clothes for work, I wear out shoes at the gym. I want her to be pampered.