Hey all,
Got a question for you all, in short, how the hell do I (21M) stay friends with a girl (21F) I really like that let me down easy? More elaborate TLDR at the bottom lol.
To preface this: I type a lot. I’m a very obtuse person so feel free to skim: I got close with a girl this past semester through some university organizations. I kinda thought she was cute but the more we talked – damn did the crush hit. I haven’t gotten along with someone like this before, she’s so easy to talk to. We also went through hell and back this semester dealing with that campus org so we have a pretty strong bond. It was reallly obvious I liked her, apparently. Half of my friends figured it out just by the way we look at each other, somehow. So, I asked her out – annddd shes aromantic. Caught me off guard but cool- in the moment I was just happy that I mustered the courage to have that conversation and when she said she’d still love to go out more as friends I was happy with that. I knew I wanted to be her friend still. She’s too damn awesome. And it wasn’t a rejection which is what I think is making it hard for me. It’s not painful cause it’s not a rejection, it’s an ‘I can’t’ right? Anyhow. We continued to hang out a lot more cause I told myself I can manage my emotions. I did alright for a bit I think. Maybe oops, people thought we we’re dating- that’s on me to explain, sure. Thought I was fine. Then I realized, gah, I still fucking like her, a lot. Especially after we hung out more after I asked her out oddly. The one thing I can’t get out of my head is that the one time we really hung out just the two of us – she dressed up nice, put makeup on, and we talked for hours and hours and I had to be the one to tell her let’s go home lol. She doesn’t do that when we hang out in our friend group, or even when we’d chat on campus forever. She doesn’t do that regularly. When we were out we bumped into one of her friends who commented on how nice and different her makeup was. That was different and I can see it. She wanted to look nice for hanging out with just me. What. I know it’s probably just really strong platonic feelings but, damn. That look in her eyes- in another life maybe. Other people saw it and that’s what irks me is that people really wanted to see us together. Again, not her problem at all, but mine. One of my other friends who was one of the first to learn I liked her told me I should talk to her about my feelings again. Idk, that feels a bit- irresponsible? My friend thinks if anyone could have that conversation respectfully it’s us two, but like she’s aromantic- like what is there to say? I know you don’t feel this but I really do? A relationship wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Oh, and apparently by hanging out with her a lot and getting her more involved in our friend group I accidentally helped cure her depression. “I finally have friends that I like!” She says while we’re all getting a drink. She says she finally cleaned up her room and that she’s in a better headspace than the past two years. So I also feel like it’s my responsibility to keep being that person she needs as a friend because it did her some good, and like I said we went through hell and back and she was there for me too.
Anyhow, I thought I was doing fine til now. I’m on a family vacation on the other side of the fucking world in a place with amazing things. I saw a lion in the wild earlier today – and I just can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve been in the let down easy or soft rejection thing before and never really followed through with the still friend things cause frankly, it just wasn’t the vibe before. Now I’m like I really want to be friends with her because the way we talk we’re damn close to being best friends I feel and I so value her as a person but I just can’t seem to get my head on straight. I know what I’m feeling isn’t right because I miss my other friends a lot too and I care about them but they ain’t lingering in my head like her. And honestly a big kicker to this is I’ve never been in a relationship before- I don’t mind, but uh, it means navigating this kind of stuff is still foreign and I’m up for the challenge I think, it’s just tough, man. Also truthfully, I’ve been let down easy the last three times I’ve asked someone out and for all valid reasons lol, a real rejection would be nice about now so I could actually see something to work on myself, haha.
TL;DR: Friend that I care about, got close to, and asked out is aromantic. I want to be her friend and I thought I was doing alright. But I realized I still care about her romantically and other people aren’t helping cause they see us together. I really want to be her friend but I know I’m fixating too much on her right now and would really like some advice on actually getting over someone and being their friend still as someone who is not well versed in relationship things and never done that before.
This just feels like an oddly specific scenario because she’s aromantic and it wasn’t a rejection yknow so getting peoples insights or advice would really be appreciated, thank you so much!