TikTok/reels/facebook/etc accounts- please don’t post this on anything.
I need advice from people who have been in similar situations. I’m not looking for an immediate “break up with him” unless you were in a similar situation and it got worse down the road.
My bf of 3 years had substance abuse problems when we met. He told me he’d get clean because I made it clear I would not be in a relationship with an addict. 2 months later I found out he was still using when he got absolutely blackout drunk and did an 8ball by himself and started hitting on my cousin and another woman I know. He did not remember the next day but when I found out I dumped him. He was devastated and stopped using completely and through therapy actually got clean. It’s been over 2 years now. Him and my cousin reconciled because he is genuinely a very good person and it is well understood that while he did do what he did; that’s not who he is sober. He claims his past comes out when he gets really wasted because back in his younger years he used to work as a bartender and they would get wasted and make it a game of who could hook up with the most unhookup-able girl. We moved on because he got clean and he has been the most genuinely incredible man I’ve ever met.
We had a baby and are talking about a second & saving up to get engaged. He and my cousin are bff, and he is very close with my friends and family.
Cue this past weekend. We hosted my friends promotion celebration party at our house. My boyfriend got incredibly drunk, drunker than I’ve ever seen him (he doesn’t know his limit now that he’s not mixing alcohol and drugs) and I went to bed. He was so drunk that a couple hours later when he came to bed, he puked in our bed while asleep and couldnt be woken up. Was hungover the whole next day and didn’t leave bed. (Important) My friend he hit on and my brother were both over the whole day and when he would come out to pee or eat he would chat with them casually. Nothing fishy, just chat like normal. Didn’t seem embarrassed or like he knew of anything he did.
A week later I get a text from my 2 female friends that awhile after I went to bed he was making them uncomfortable with his specific eye contact and seemed a little too touchy friendly. He had said to my 1 friend “I want you” and she ran away. Hours later he said the same thing to my other friend “I want to make a move on you”. They left and he came to bed. He’s been acting normal, making comments about my friends same as he always has. Even said he wished that they hadn’t stayed there all day so we could have snuggled on the couch instead of him having to lay in bed. That he loves my friends but sometimes they overstay. Something I can’t see him saying if he felt guilty or was embarrassed by his actions.
When i confronted him he could not believe what I was telling him. He immediately said he always thought the problem was the drugs but clearly not. He says he cannot remember anything after a certain point, but owns what he did regardless of not knowing what to do now. That he is disgusted and feels like a failure. That even if we break up, he wants to go to AA. (This is not just him trying to get out trouble, he did do the work to get clean from drugs.)
We have a baby. I love him so much. He’s the greatest dad and most supportive partner in the world. Literally zero issue other than this.
Would you trust this person again if they got sober and made amends with the people they hurt (me and my friends)? I don’t want my daughter to grow up without her parents together. We have always been a happy couple. I do not doubt how much he truly loves me. He just gets evil when he gets blackout.