This is a half-vent/half-advice-seeking…
I (31/f) grew up with depression and ADHD and poor emotional control. I was bullied by my peers at school and then would come home to a father who would tell me I was weird and most people probably wouldn’t like me very much and that was okay. Other people don’t matter. If someone found out I had a crush or wanted to be their friend it would become a joke.
Fast forward a very long time and a lot of therapy and useful medication and I am, finally, the version of myself I’d always wanted to be. I’m accomplished/successful, make people laugh, satisfied with my appearance, level-headed and rational, ambitious. I’m always a work-in-progress on these and other things and I don’t believe anyone really ever stops growing anyway. But *I* would be friends with me. *I* would date me.
I just don’t think anyone else would.
I haven’t made a new friend in ten years. I can count the number of weddings I’ll ever be invited to on one hand. I don’t know how to approach new people and I can’t stop worrying that if I do, they’ll just find me weird and off-putting. Dating is actually easier for me because if they don’t like you, you never have to see them again. But if you try to make a new friend in a class or a club or at work and they don’t like you you’ll have to face that humiliation daily.
I look at my resume and am proud of what I’ve accomplished but I still feel like I haven’t done anything and I’ll never be good enough. I look in the mirror and I like what I see but I’m also convinced no one else could.
I’ve been living in a new city for nine months and I think I’d like to start making friends but I have no idea how to do it. I’m in clubs with people I see regularly but I have no idea how to start a conversation and am convinced they’ll think I’m weird and annoying if I try.
Idk… Help?
2 comments
Hi there!
Sounds like a nice person goedkoop never really learned to communicate with others.
I (29f) had a similar history when growing up. I felt like an outsider, my mother neglected me and never learned what friendship is or gave advice at anything. I all had to figure it out myself.
How did I actually become a more social person although I have autism? Well, give less shit about what other people think of you. Do you remember what your co-worker did “weird” 2 weeks ago? Probably not. Many people just go by their day.
I’m naturally curious and notice a lot of things. This way I start a conversation very often. At my work I give customers a compliment about their appearance or ask where they got that nice dress from. It cheers people up and is a good conversation starter.
I don’t go to clubs, so I don’t know how I would do that. But most of the time when I am talking to someone and that person says “oh, I wonder if the guy over there has…, but I’m afraid to ask”. And Heck, I’m like: why not ask? What do I have to lose? If someone finds me weird, then what? Is it my problem? What is weird? Everyone’s definition is different.
Try a bit more ballsy and take the step and ask something. In a club with loud music it feels a bit hard to me. Maybe in the grocery store or when having a walk or in a park? When I was stopping at a traffic light and on my bike (I live in the Netherlands) I asked the woman next to me where she got her amazing coat from. She answered and wanted to say more, but the light turned green and we went our seperate ways.
Try to not overthink things and make your doubts about how you act smaller. Everyone feels awkward sometimes. No one ever is constantly great or in the mood to talk or able to have a good conversation. You’re human and so you can make mistakes and try again as you go. Also with social skills.
Btw, want to be my friend? You sound like a good match to talk to. 😊
It sounds like you still have some work to take away those internalized thoughts your dad put in your head. It’s going to take a lot more than just realizing that what he said is wrong. Everytime you have an invasive thought like that (no one else will like me, want to be friends with me), replace it with a thought of why someone would want to be friends with you and like you. You’re nice, generous, interesting and creative (instead of weird), etc. You *will* find your tribe of weirdos that love to be as strange and interesting as you, but you have to believe that there are others out there. And there are! Speaking from experience. I have struggled with the same things a lot in my teens/early 20s, but finally just became comfortable and out with it already. Some people laugh at me and don’t get me, but whatever. That’s their problem for not having a cool brain (haha). You can’t be anyone else anyway, so why not just be yourself as boldly and confidently as possible? Others will see that and become attracted (not necessarily romantically) to that and will make them want to be around you.