In 2019 I was going through a rough patch. Hated my job, I wasn’t in the best of terms with my parents and I was feeling sorry for myself after getting cheated on and feeling worthless.
My gf, Krystell, basically pulled me out of that funk with patience and support. We were friends before we dated and she knew I was in a bad place so she’d constantly text/call to see how I was doing almost every day and encouraged me to take the steps I needed to take. She might have literally saved me from hurting myself the way I was going.
From there we became more than friends.
After two years we moved to a new city and started living together. She had to move because of a great job offer and I followed along since I could work from home. This year we got married and planned on having a baby but put on a pause on that because some unexpected medical issues sprung up(Thyroid disease). But the plan was to try as soon as the doctor advises its safe.
Now I’m not sure I want to have a baby with her at all.
Last Saturday we had a few friends over for drinks and dinner. Eventually one of her close friends was left and it was just the three of us. The friend shared a story about their Grandma being uber strict and a lot of family members couldn’t stand her but how being with Grandma helped shape her up. This prompted my wife to say share about her mother and how she was tough to deal with but always had her best interest’s in mind and busted her ass to support her and her siblings.
All good so far, then she blurted out about how her mom being so paranoid and uptight that she constantly gave Krys and her sister ”virginity” tests when they’d come back from hanging out with friends. Especially if they spent the night at a friend’s place or elsewhere. This was done when in their teenage years between twelve and seventeen. Both her friend and myself just looked at her taken back and she made a quip over old people being weirdos to break the awkwardness.
Once we were alone I asked her about it and she said its embarrassing to say but that yeah that was just a thing she had to put up with growing up but it was for the best. Because in her words ”it kept her head on straight” and kept from turning out like other women. I argued that she turned out ok in spite of that not because of that.
She told me I didn’t get it because I’m a guy and that I’m not a parent yet who has to worry over their kid’s image and reminding them to not be stupid.
So I point blanked asked her if she plans to do this to any daughters we might have and she said she would ”because it works”. I told her that’s a gross violation of a teenager’s right. Pointed out there’s no such thing as a real virginity’s tests and it’d just fuck with the kid’s head if their mom forces them to show their genitals to ”check” if they had sex every time they don’t spend the night at home.
She defended it by saying a woman can tell and that even if she couldn’t tell, it’d keep on the pressure on the kids to not fool around. And she mentioned again that she turned out well so what’s the big deal.
I told her this is just plain weird and there’s better ways to preach abstinence and she told me if it bothers me so much then I better hope we have a boy just like she does. I asked her what she meant by that and she just said boys are easier to raise. She then emphasized that a lot goes into raising girls.
I asked if this is why her older sister was kicked out(for a few days) when she was 17 and she just said ”kind of”. I told her that’s some shitty parenting.
At that point she was getting upset and I didn’t want to push things any further.
I’ve known her family for years and while I’ve always known her mom is a hardcore fundamentalist. I didn’t know it she did stuff like that and my wife has shared before she’s always had a preference for having a boy over a girl but I never knew it was over stuff like this.
My wife is caring, hard working, was a great student and is doing great in her career so I’m not sure how to bring the topic up again without undermining what she thinks helped build her into the person she is(her mom being a puritan weirdo) but saying it’d be a terrible idea to raise any daughter we migth have under a similar environment.
It also makes me second guess thet idea that any child we have can choose to believe what they want to believe and we won’t pressure them to be something they don’t want to. If she doesn’t think they have a say in their sex lives what about other parts of their life?
TL;DR Wife thinks teenager girls need constant ”virginity tests” to make sure they stay virgins until the parents feels its no longer their responsibility. I feel this is crazy but I’m struggling to bring the topic up again without demeaning my wife’s childhood and how her mother raised her.