I (m43) and my wife (f44) are continplating divorce, I think I fucked up and put the last nail in the coffin
I’ll try to keep this as short as I can. We both got together very young. We’ve been together for 26 years now. We have two wonderful adult children and have built quite the life together.
About six months ago she started going through a really rough time. She’s had bad health issues for over a decade now that really limit her quality of life. She also started having a hard time with our looming empty nest. This was hard on her, realizing she didn’t have an identity outside of being a mom or wife.
She’s been playing pool for a long time now. When all these difficulties cropped up she threw herself into it and it became her identity. She started to wonder if she even wanted to be married anymore, she just wanted to be left alone and focus on pool which was the one thing she thought was going well for her.
I’ve tried my best to be there for her and support her through all of this. She just doesn’t want to talk about any of the problems and can get angry if I try.
We tried things like having her spend a week at a hotel so she could get away and focus on herself . This didn’t seem to help anything.
I tried just leaving her alone to think on things herself and not feel pressured. I even had a talk with her that if she really did want to leave that id be there for her and support her however I could.
She never committed to anything one way or another. Things felt like they were getting better with us. I asked her and she said she hadn’t thought about us in months, that it’s too painful to.
This didn’t add up for me. We started talking about future plans for ourselves and each other. To say she didn’t think of us just didn’t make sense to me.
I’m not proud of it, but I looked at her phone. I really only wanted validation that what she was telling me was the truth. If she talked to anyone about it, it would be her best friend. What I read crushed me. She was planning on leaving after the holidays.
I didn’t react to this well and moved all of her things to her mother’s while she was working. I was just in so much pain and felt betrayed. I just couldn’t look at her or be around her.
She obviously didn’t take the news well. She said that she was just venting to her friend and I violated her safe space . She’s right I did. She said she never decided and kept going back and forth, that I didn’t see those texts.
I think I fucked up and put the last nail in my marriage. I really can’t imagine life without her and really hate myself right now.
Has anyone else been through this? Is there anything I can do to try and make this right?
***Edit***
Thank you for all the replies. They are all in line with what I’ve thinking and feeling. We’ve just been together for so long and through so much that for it to end like this is just insane to me.
She wasn’t always cold and unloving. The complete opposite really, she’s always been very warm and loving. All that stopped six months ago and I suppose I’m just struggling to find answers that I never will.
43 comments
Yeah, you may have, but…
From what you wrote, she’s been checked out for a long time, and was probably going to leave.
Admittedly, I would have talked to her first, but it’s done now
You did not fuck up. The only thing you did was remove the option for her to say this was your fault. She was planning on leaving for the holidays and that would’ve resulted in her starting a big fight and then leaving the house in a huff. all you did was alter her plan and basically called it out. I guess I don’t understand the younger folks and this phone privacy garbage when you’re married and I happen to look at your phone, I can feel guilty if I don’t find anything, but I’m not feeling guilty if I find a bunch of shit. You feel violated because you looked at your phone, but it’s going to be OK for you in about 2 to 3 weeks for you to bolt out of the apartment leave me and change my life. Don’t care about your privacy and fuck your phone.
Your better off being alone than with someone that is as unloving as your wife
Nah dude this marriage has been dead for a while. Don’t beat yourself up; she was already planning to leave, she’s only reacting this way because she’s embarrassed that you uncovered her deceit
Your marriage is over. Concentrate on the best way to tell your kids so they don’t incorrectly place blame on you.
All you did was move her before she was ready. She was going to leave and continue to be dishonest about it. It’s possible she was up to something else. Check your finances.
Seems like she was more upset thst you were the one to have the guts to make that decision for her.
No, she had her foot halfway out the door already. She might have been trying to talk herself out of it but she wanted to go. I know when I decide something I will talk to myself about it for months because I need to have the resolve to do it so it takes me awhile to I guess make sure I’m going to go through with it. Now I’ve been fine for years last time I ever had to do this was with a 5-year relationship it was hard to let go we were so codependent on each other. I bet that’s what she’s doing her feelings of love died for you long ago but she probably still felt guilty about leaving the relationship. You just gave her a little shove out the door after reading what she’s written. Believe me she would have left after the beginning of the year if that’s what she had written she was going to do that she just didn’t want to upset the holidays that’s all which most people don’t want to do that specially when there’s kids and grandkids involved.
She WAS planning to leave but she wanted to on her terms now her plans are runied. I would giver what she wants.
You kicked her out by removing her things from the house.
Why did you do that????
It is not fair to her. She has to live with her parents while you occupy the house???
In a divorce, marital assets are divided equally.
Put yourself in her shoes. You are kicked out and everything you ever worked for, gone…
This won’t look good in any court. Also, your children will take your wife’s side.
Your marriage is over.
I feel like there is something missing from this story
Sorry, but the wife is mad because you ended the relationship on your terms, instead of on her terms.
In her head, this is not the story she wants to tell her friends and your children.
Personally, I can’t find fault with you.
You had me at ‘empty nest’
I had my first child the day after my 19th BD. I have my 5th the year I turned 40. That was my identity- I was a wife and mother. All of me was in that.
When my youngest turned 21 I lost that identity. I lost myself. I contiplated suicide. It was that bad. I just couldn’t go on-
She sounds lost, struggling and looking around for something to hold on to. Yes she had you, but she has to first find herself again.
I so hope you can find your way back to each other. It’s certainly worth working on.
The one thing I will say you two fucked up started 6 months ago when neither of you suggested couples therapy. Why didn’t you suggest going to see someone? I understand you giving her space was your way of trying and it is innocent, but my man you’re not a licensed marriage therapist. I can’t say therapy would’ve saved your marriage, but at least it could’ve identified what the issue(s) really were.
Where I would say you definitely put the nail is when you saw those texts, you still didn’t suggest therapy. That should’ve been a clear indicator that you seek therapy.
You can try one last ditch effort and talk to her and say you truly don’t want to end your marriage and you do apologize for violating her privacy, and that if she also would want to save the marriage, then therapy is needed
Even if she was planning to end the marriage after the holidays – you two share a home. *It’s her home too*; either that or you’re claiming the life you’ve had wasn’t built by the both of you. You had no right to push her out as though it is all only yours. And you did this with no discussion all sneaky like. That’s even more indication that you’ve never given her much credit for any of it.
Maybe you’ve stumbled on the reasons for why she’s been thinking of leaving??????
“This was hard on her, realizing she didn’t have an identity outside of being a mom or wife.”
Why didn’t she have an identity outside of being a mom or wife?
Do you have an identity outside of being a dad and husband? If you always have, and you saw your life partner for 26 years be subsumed by domestic roles and did nothing but watch her drown because it benefitted you, there is nothing to salvage in this marriage.
The comments saying your wife is unloving are wild. You allowed the situation where the ony thing that fulfilled her was being a mom, she survived a health scare that told her life is too short, and she’s staring in dread at the empty nest because you have not been the kind of partner who celebrates who she is and makes her feel fulfilled with you. She developed a hobby on her own instead of the two of you finding one together — my parents each had their own interests but spent their retirement years geocaching as a way to travel and make friends together.
You can’t imagine life without her, because she made life easier for you. She is imagining life without you, and all she sees is freedom.
So no, you didn’t just blow it, you’ve been blowing it slowly for 26 years. Legally, you moved her things off of your joint property, and I don’t even know how that shakes out. It’s a shame you two couldn’t make this transition together but it’s an all too common thing in situations like yours.
Do you own the house on your own? If you jointly own your home then what you did is most likely illegal. But even if what you did was legal, it was a super super shitty thing to do.
Snooping and then removing all her possessions from a shared living space without her knowledge just stomped all over any trust and love she had left for you.
Really a good marriage is about this type of pushing and painful growth. Most think it’s about staying “how it was”. You will probably hit your mid life adjustment a little later but you will likely deal with the same issues of identity, change, etc.
Regardless of the timing or the outcome you both would do well to have compete physicals. Hormonal changes 40+ affect both men and women which affects our brain chemistry, therefore our emotions. Things do change but understanding why helps in making good choices. Begin personal therapy. Half a life’s experiences is a lot to process alone when San event like a marriage ends.
You both seemed to have done well this far and will probably do well in the future. Don’t let the idea of marriage become the only basis for your choices. You are two people who both deserve a good life. That may be outside of marriage together.
Sounds like the final nail was put in the coffin a while ago, and all you did was scrape the paint off and confirm the nail is actually there already.
The truth of the matter is she is unwilling to talk to you about her, or you, or her & you, or your futures together or apart, and she’s not participating in the marriage. She’s not holding up her end of the deal, and instead is expecting you to hold things together by yourself with no help from her.
You guys could try marriage counseling, but for it to work, she would have to be *willing* to participate openly and honestly.
Read up on Walk Away Wife Syndrome. She’s in the last stages.
Honestly, it sounds like she had given up on your marriage a long time ago. She’s not putting in any effort to to be present as your partner, or to help the relationship prosper. You can’t let yourself blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. Going through her phone was a desperate move from a man that wasn’t being given the time or attention to feel safe in his relationship.
I am guessing this last move (deciding for her to move out- which btw is ILLEGAL for you to do) isn’t the first time you have been controlling. You probably have had a pattern of this.
You say you can’t imagine life without her, yet you took her belongings to her mothers? What like she’s a child? This reeks of disrespect.
And all the other commenters saying she’s probably cheating, that is rediculous. You didn’t find any indication on her phone of such, all you found is what she told her best friend…which absolutely shows she is afraid/does not feel safe telling you these things.
If you stay married to her or not, either way you need to acknowledge and fix the things about yourself in a relationship that is unhealthy or you will repeat this with the next woman.
All in all. It’s irrelevant what happened.
Your marriage is over and was before you looked at her phone. She was leaving. That decision had been made. You have tried but sounds like there was nothing you could do.
Get a lawyer. Sort out the breakup and move on.
Never, ever try to convince someone to stay when they’re dead set on leaving.
Instead, let them go. It might shock them into rethinking what they’re doing if they’re just playing some kind of power game. Or it will reduce the drama on them leaving if they’re set on it.
Everyone deserves to be with someone that wants to be with them. Having someone stay with you that doesn’t want you is a far greater form of hell then being alone.
Just make sure that if they walk out that door, you lock it firmly behind them. Don’t let them ever come back.
She was going to leave because she doesn’t love you anymore. I’m really sorry but you yat least retained your dignity and self respect by not begging her to stay once you found out that she was leaving
I’m in the same boat. Started dating at 14, divorcing at 47.
She changed dramatically, even showing mental illness issues.
Here’s one thing I learned.
DO NOT judge her by what she says.
DO judge her by what she DOES NOT say.
Does she say explicitly that she wants to stay? To be married? To work on it? To grow? To meet your needs?
When you tell your best friend you’re thinking of leaving your relationship, it’s because you’re thinking of leaving your relationship. That is not venting. You may have hastened it along, but this was probably coming eventually anyway.
You tried distancing yourself and leaning into what she appeared to want. The only other thing you could suggest is *both* of you actually trying to save your marriage (therapy, spending more time together, talking out your fears, etc). If she’s not interested in working with you, then your path forward is clear.
My co-worker’s wfie did this too. After 28 years she wanted a new house, so they moved. 2 years later she wanted a divorce. Then she changed her mind. And changed it again. And again. She moved out, then back. They started therapy and their therapist even said she had to choose. She couldn’t keep going back and forth on what she wanted. She just couldn’t decide – or rather she didn’t want to because then it was final.
So my co-worker chose for her. They are now divorced.
You made the choice for her OP. And she wasn’t ready for having the choice made for her.
So you’re wife of 26 years has been a loving wife until 6 months ago. She’s been unwell. Sounds like struggling with both mental and physical health. You’re both not happy. You went through her phone and discover that she has been having the same doubts as you about your marriage and next steps and has been talking about it with her friend.
So you’re solution was to pack up her things and move her out of HER home a couple days before Christmas.
Dude, you’re married. She owns half that home. You can’t just move her stuff out. Maybe if she was using drugs or even having an affair I could understand it. But moving your struggling wife out of her home while she’s at work is not ok. It makes me question how often you dismiss her feelings and have such impulsive, selfish reactions.
It’s 100% ok for you to not want to stay in the marriage or to ask her to go to counseling. You can’t just kick a woman out of her home because your feelings are hurt.
I don’t want to minimise what you and your wife are going through, that’s not my intention when I ask this question. Is it possible your wife is perimenopausal? I had a complete personality change for a while when I started going through the menopause. I think you’ve fucked up massively, but if there’s a chance you could work this out, it’s worth a shot to try? A lot of menopausal women find hrt helps regulate mood and get them feeling more like themselves again. I didn’t get on with it for other reasons, but I have friends who genuinely feel like hrt gave them their lives back.
>She also started having a hard time with our looming empty nest
This is interesting to me, it feels like she planned on leaving once the kids were moved out, probably for a while now. I wouldn’t blame yourself.
Timing is rarely coincidental.
Don’t feel bad op, she was getting her ducks in a row. She was going to leave you 100%. She just wanted to be the one to dump you and you beat her to the punch. Dump her and met her go. She hasn’t wanted to be with you op, she just waffled on it.
I don’t know what’s going on, really in your marriage. A partner doesn’t just leave because of 6 months of unhappiness or fear of looming empty nest.
She may have not been happy in the marriage for the longest time for whatever reasons, unhappy enough to want to leave, and she’s been giving herself ‘deadline,’ as in, oh I’m going to leave after the kids are 18. Oh maybe after they graduate and more stable. etc.
Have you guys even considered marriage counseling or therapy before filing for a divorce?
Ask to give another chance to the marriage by counseling?
When things get to this point, holding on will never work.
The only chance you have is to break it off and not try to fix it.
It’s the only way they’ll decide they want to try again, and if they don’t, you’re well on your way to healing. Win win.
I understand you’re angry and hurt, OP, but you wrongfully “evicted” your wife. This could bite you in the ass.
Trying to ad another perspective here. Could she be menopausal? And not be aware of how much that can mess with one’s mind and even cause depression.
I’m not saying that it is was is happening, but maybe it’s worth considering.
> She just doesn’t want to talk about any of the problems and can get angry if I try.
It’s over.
Yeah, bro it’s probably over. Maybe you can come back from this, but that will be hard and probably not worth it. You got to figure out how to control your anger. It isn’t your friend.
Bro take her on a date. Start dating again
My man, she is checked out already.
There is much more to the pool. Most likely a cover for testing the waters with other men
Married people don’t have safe places or secrets from each other. Only guilty spouses do that
Eh.. it’s hardly a fuck up, she checked out long ago and was going to leave on her own terms. You just took that option away is all.
I’m sorry but she needed to be having those conversations with you. And she wasn’t. People don’t tell their close friends they are leaving their spouse if they don’t intend to. I think she is lying about not having decided. Apparently she would rather have just dropped a bomb on you.