In the past, I (F26) thought I was sexually broken. I believed I couldn’t experience pleasure or desire for anyone, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t genuinely feel anything.
Then I met someone. Standing at 6’3″, Mr A (M26) was mesmerizing – tall, dark-haired, green-eyed, and a former bodybuilder. I was captivated by his beauty. For the first time, I experienced attraction, challenging my previous belief that I was asexual. I even shed tears when he finally made me climax because I had previously thought I was “broken.” We were together for four years, during which our physical connection remained strong, but other aspects of our relationship struggled. We lacked meaningful conversation; I listened to him talk as much as he wanted, but he often claimed to be too tired to hear me speak for more than 3 minutes. Our paths diverged as I worked diligently while he dropped out of a program for the third time. After three years, he moved to another country, choosing the beach over financial opportunities. We endured a long-distance relationship for one year, with me exclusively making the 6-hour train trips, on top of running my own business. I drifted further away as we discovered fundamental value differences, and he grew increasingly bitter towards the world. The breaking point came when I realized he couldn’t be the father of my children due to these diverging values. He could have been a stay-at-home dad, no big deal for me, but I couldn’t imagine my future children learning anything valuable from him.
Now, you might wonder why I’m sharing all this.
Recently, I met three months ago someone new, Mr B (M26). He’s a wonderful person, intelligent, gentle and we engage in so many conversations. His intelligence dazzles me. However, I’m apprehensive; I fear I may already be “damaged.”
In comparison to my ex-partner, all men seem unattractive. I have no desire to reconcile with Mr A, although he has tried to return multiple times, and my response has consistently been the same. But I’m afraid I may have sabotaged potential connections with other men from now on. The fear lingers that I might experience sexual dissatisfaction again, especially with this new someone I’ve learned is quite small and thin. Unlike my previous partner, who was too thick and 10 inches long.
Despite feeling a sexual attraction to Mr B, I’m not captivated by his external beauty. I’m terrified of attempting intimacy and feeling nothing when the moment arrives. It feels like a lifelong trap.
I know I sound stupid and shallow, but am I stretched down there for life? Can I find physical beauty in men again, in Mr B? How did I become so superficial?? Before Mr A, I used to date a man a head shorter than me, and I didn’t mind!
Avoiding intricate details, I’ve communicated certain concerns to Mr B and asked him not to wait for me because he deserves better than someone so afraid to “try.” Despite this, he’s holding on, telling me that fear is okay and there is definitely something to try/fight for between us. But I’m scared of causing myself pain and regret by choosing not to explore a relationship with him, or hurting him if I decide to try, and it doesn’t work out. Am I going crazy?
TL:DR I used to think I was sexually broken, then met a mezmerizing guy who “repaired” me, but I end up our 3 years relationship because of other fundamental differences. Now, I’ve met an amazing man but average looking. I’m scared I can’t feel physical attraction for anyone, including him. I’m also afraid of facing sexual dissatisfaction again because of “physical” differences. How did I become so superficial?