I’ve noticed myself reaching out to friends who I’d stopped talking to for a reason. But I keep getting reminded of how happy I was when I used to hang out with them.
You’d be wondering why I don’t talk to them, well because they’d started acting distant and I didn’t want to have that conversation. I was busy the past two months so I’d honestly forgotten anything ever happened but now that vacations have started, I’m left with nobody.
Everyone has already moved onto other friendships and they’ve forgotten about how we used to be each others number ones. I feel like I’m interrupting something because of how close everyone is to each other, whenever I hang out. Anytime they reach out to me, they automatically assume we aren’t taking because I’m busy. This gets on my nerves because how do you act like my friend after you’ve decided to be distant and blame it on me.
The other day I’d met up with one of them and they bailed on me after I travelled 30 mins to meet up. Mind you I came over to their place, so they didn’t really need to travel anyway. They asked me to hang out with somebody else even though we’d made plans. After insisting for a while we did end up hanging out but ???
One of my other friends who I’d lost touch with, was my best friend. I miss hanging out with him but he doesn’t really care about the fact that I’m trying to reach out and fix things. He acts like a dickhead and ends up ghosting me.
Today I reached out to another friend and she was up to hang, until she wasn’t.
There’s honestly no form of belongingness amongst my relationships with them and I just feel like they don’t really care whether I’m in their life or not (which is 100% true). I just want to let go and accept that the friendships are done but I keep fixing things that aren’t supposed to fixed.
I’m feeling like the back up friend right now and I really hate how I’m okay with it. In the back of my mind I keep assuring myself that I’m doing this because I just wanna hang out with people and that I don’t care but I do.
I just wanna know why I’m okay with being disrespected like this even though I know I’m not wanted. I know it’s a weird question but I really don’t know why I just can’t let them go.
(For context; I’ve been hating spending time alone and I need someone around or I go into self loathe mode, I keep getting reminded of good memories from my friendships which makes me want to reach out and sort stuff out)