I \[30, M\] started going on dates with a \[33, F\] 3 weeks ago. In total, we’ve been on 3 dates, but we text a lot. When we’re together, things are very smooth, and I sense a strong connection. The third date also happened to be her birthday. I’ve paid for all the dates, and got her some nice gifts. I am always taking the lead to plan the date/ask her out, and she’s turned it down a few times, citing that she’s “introverted” and “moves slow”. She has been divorced, and talks about how slow she moves/how protected she is.
We got back to her place after her birthday evening at 5am, and we made out, but that was about it. She did not offer me to stay, considering I live an hour away.
I just feel like I’m having to initiate/put in all the work, and show the affection/interest. When we discuss things (lightly), she just reminds me that she “moves slow”.
Additionally, she has not mentioned me to any of her friends/family (other than 1 friend). I get that it’s early on, but she claims it would “take a very long time” to even make it on a social media post.
So, am I being played/taken advantage of? Is it normal for some people to “move this slow”? Should I continue pursuing or pull back the affection/interest?
48 comments
i don’t believe that you’re being played , but how long ago was this divorce? potentially she’s still healing from it and even thought she might say she’s ready for a relationship , psychologically she’s not. If i had to take a guess shes still healing and it takes her a lot to trust someone or get into that rhythm again. I don’t believe you’re doing anything wrong but just be careful with putting all this energy into a girl who’s not gonna appreciate it. i had a buddy who was in the same situation and i feel like he was being used as someone to be with during a tough time so that could also be the case here.
If you communicate your feelings and tell her this feels one sided, she has to decide if she still wants you to initiate everything or have an equal role in this situation. At some point she should be initiating stuff too, but maybe she’s not into that and therefore says “she likes it slow” so she won’t ever have to. I don’t think it’s manipulation but just lack of interest. The classic “if they wanted to, they would” would be a great explanation for this, it’s up to you if you want to continue this dynamic or not. She’s not going to suddenly change this behavior she’s already expressed to you this is how she is, up to you if you want to continue or not.
To be fair, she’s put in the effort during the dates, and has shown signs of attractions (texting, subtle contact). I just feel like I’m always initiating the ideas/dates for us to hang out.
This seems totally normal to me. Almost like my ideal relationship. It sounds like you’re just anxious because you haven’t gotten laid by the 3rd date.
hmmm maybe worry after 5. u can always just ask
>We got back to her place after her birthday evening at 5am, and we made out, but that was about it. She did not offer me to stay
Well you’ve only been on 3 dates.
>she just reminds me that she “moves slow”
So there it is, she answered it herself?
>make it on a social media post
I would only do that after a year of dating, half a year minimum. It’s embarrassing to have stuff on social media if you already break up after a couple of months.
>So, am I being played/taken advantage of?
Nope, she seems pretty straightforward, told you she moves slow and even explained why (the divorce being a factor).
>Is it normal for some people to “move this slow”?
YES, the more dating experience, the slower (in my own experience). She had a divorce. Of course she’s careful now.
She has literally told you she wants to take it slow. Listen to her and respect that. Perhaps take a reflection on your motives on doing all the grand things you say and why you feel entitled to anything from her would be my advice. Most women have been love-bombed and if she is divorced she has likely seen manipulative and entitled men up close. If you cannot chill and listen and respect her then she will push you away or fade you out, she sounds very balanced and mature so won’t put up with crap
I’d be concerned if you were months in, but at just 3 dates in, it doesn’t surprise me the brunt of planning has fallen on you as the man. I think after date 3 is usually when it’s expected for some sort of reciprocation though, whether it’s planning or paying. That said, she moves slow so I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes a while to get to sex. This isn’t an excuse for her to not return your effort though.
You guys have different pace and you are not ok with taking things slow, this is something you need to either be ok with or find someone who is different
Three dates, and you want her introducing you to her family and friends? That’s kinda creepy.
Just take it slow. Make sure she’s comfortable with the Pace.
And if you’re very worried, stop suggesting dates you have to pay for.
Have you told her you are feeling this way, as in, that you think you are doing all the work? Because if not, I do not see how any stranger on the internet could answer the question in your title. Either may be true. You may be just overthinking stuff, but maybe she really is just playing you. We may endlessly speculate, but neither of us can tell you. Only she can provide an answer.
You are old enough that you both should be able to have a straight, adult talk about stuff that bugs you. You should both know that these assumptions about others intentions are not healthy for a relationship and threaten to unravel it quickly, if they are not addressed and cleared out.
I would suggest simply telling her that you absolutely respect her right to take things slowly and have no intention of being pushy, but at the same time you need to see some glimpse of reciprocity in the relationship. How you feel that she seems rather passive and disinterested, and that your fears would be alleviated if she just say, took initiative on the next date, and came up with an idea herself. Does not have to be anything wild, or original, may just be a restaurant you have not been to yet, but something that would show she puts in an effort, too. Asking for a date idea, when you have already been to several is not pushing things into some unknown, far away territory.
I mean well, mate, and hope things work out for you. It just seems to me you may be overthinking stuff that could be cleared out by a 5 minute talk with her directly.
What do you expect from her? You’ve known her 3 weeks and have been on 3 dates.
Three dates in three weeks and you want some kind of instant relationship? How many total hours have you actually spent together in person?
Yeah this seems kinda normal tbh
Honestly dude, I’d recommend if you have to question things then she’s not the one. Go with your gut
I mean, do you believe her?
Not mentioning you to her friends yet isn’t a problem, in fact it proves that she does move slow.
It sounds like you just don’t want to move slow man, which means you two aren’t compatible.
She told you that she moves slow and it takes her a bit of time to really know how she feels. You are definitely being impatient!
It has only been 3 dates! That’s not a lot. Be patient, give her time to get to know you. It would be a shame to give up on a promising relationship simply because she wants to move a little slower than you.
3 weeks, 3 dates……. Why would she be mentioning you to people? You hardly even know each other yet. She might have mentioned you in passing ‘I’m going on another date with X, the date with X was really nice etc’ but not “I’m dating X’. Again three weeks, totally normal.
It also sounds like you were expecting/felt entitled to stay after the concert despite knowing she wanted to take things slow. That should have been a conversation you had with her before hand.
I’m not so much an introvert, but I need time to recharge, so I’ve had an insane week or two with no time to myself, absolutely I won’t agree to a date as I just need time to myself, I totally get that feeling. It doesn’t mean I’m taking advantage of anyone, it just means I know how to take care of myself. It’s a huge positive!
1. It’s been 3 weeks. Not 3 years.
2. It’s okay if you’re taking the lead now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t like you or is playing you.
3. It’s okay for her to decline an offer to go out at any point.
4. She isn’t obligated to let you sleep over after coming in late. And that’s okay.
5. She hasn’t mentioned you to her friends, so what? Lol. Are you her man?
6. Why are you thinking abt making it to social media after only 3 weeks of dating ?
Slow progress is still progress. I don’t think you’re getting played, it’s been 3 weeks. Haha. Not even a month, talk to her, find out if y’all share the same end goal. If y’all don’t, then end things.
But she has a reason to her wanting to go slow, if she’s moving too slow for you, find someone who’s on the same speed as you.
I am this way – also an Introvert. She’s processing how she feels. She’s obviously very guarded. You wouldn’t want her to go all in at the beginning and then pull back b/c she’s not sure. I say give it time.
You’ve been on three dates, I think you’re getting way too invested into this, you’re not even in a relationship yet, dial it back *several* notches, far too impatient. Also paying for everything and showering her with gifts was your choice.
Three dates is very fast to expect an invitation to stay the night.
She is saying she moves slow, so you need to match her pace. Stop buying her gifts! You’re not in a relationship, you’ve had a few dates.
After three dates is when I start to even form an opinion of someone. I’m definitely not starting a relationship or having sex at that point.
Dude, ive gone out for years without introducing someone to my friends especially family. Hold your horses. Plus she is probably used to sleeping alone.
I think you’re being impatient, because you want sex.
After only 3 dates? She’s not even taking things slow, you’re just trying to move very fast.
It sounds like you may be more invested than she is, that’s not to say that she’s not into you. If she’s gone on three dates, then there’s something definitely there.
If she’s divorced, then she has some experience to base her wanting to “move slow” on. I don’t think you’re being taken advantage of.
I was once where you are, and looking back to my old self, I was being too needy. Focus on the things you’re working, by engaging in your work and your goals, this will inherently chip away at the neediness.
Advice: Respect her wishes. Engage in some push-pull. Focus on yourself. Try to get in sync with her pace.
It’s only been 3 weeks. That’s 21 Days. Just relax and feel the situation out. It hasn’t been long at all.
> Is it normal for some people to “move this slow”?
Yes.
She’s trying to communicate that you are moving too fast – possibly that you are pushing for too much. This could very well be why she didn’t invite you to spend the night.
You’ve been on 3 dates in 3 weeks, plus she’s turned down multiple other dates. That’s a LOT for just getting to know someone. Especially when someone communicates over and over, “I take things slowly.”
You are upset that this romance is one-sided, and worried that you are being played. Trust me, you’re not. She’s just not wanting to spend all her free time with you while getting to know you. And that’s a good, balanced approach to dating.
If you are initiating multiple dates a week, when is she supposed to initiate a date? It’s possible that you initiate far more frequently than she naturally would go out, so perhaps back off a bit for a while and see how she responds? It’s possible that she is holding out a bit to see if you are sincere in your interest. Many times people who love-bomb lose interest once women begin to reciprocate.
Also, caring about social media so much at 30 seems insecure to me, especially at 3 weeks in. And she HAS mentioned you to one friend, so you aren’t a secret. But at <1 month in, why would she mention you to family? Or to less close friends? A good friend of mine waited until 1 month in to tell me about his new girlfriend. I suspected that he was talking to someone, but he wanted to make sure they were gonna start dating before telling me and the rest of the friend group.
I would recommend doing some research on anxious avoidant attachment styles. It sounds like the more slowly she wants to take it, the more desperate you become to make this work. But at the end of the day, the way you are acting could drive her away if she is communicating that you are moving too fast and coming on too strong.
Ask yourself if you really like *her* as a woman, or do you like her because you don’t know if she likes you and it seems like she is avoidant?
Lol makes out with you on date 3 and is going SLOW? Lol that’s not slow
As someone whos love language is NOT gift receiving, it can actually feel weird to get gifts while im still trying to determine how i feel about the person. Maybe scale back the financial investment and put more into the emotional part of exploring a potential relationship
You are being impatient, and you are playing yourself if you think you should be invited to stay the night after 3 dates.
It sounds like you are dating a smart and mature woman. She is divorced. She knows better than to jump into something with someone she barely knows. Expecting her to make it official on social media is a huge red flag that you’re waving. You barely know each other! She sounds way too mature for you.
Um, there’s no time lines or schedules for when to invite someone for an adult slumber party. If she had been through a marriage and divorce, then I’d imagine a glacier pace is her safe zone. If that doesn’t work for you, then bail. If you like her for more than just the possibility of sex, then chill the F out and see how things go. If sex IS the gosl, then you need to have a frank yet polite discussion but that feels like a date #5 convo.
Ps. Paying for things does not equal access.
The question is are you willing to move at her pace? She doesn’t owe you anything nor does she need to rush just to meet your wants and it’s totally up to you to go at your own pace with someone who fits that as well. Also, you chose to drive an hour away, buy her gifts, and date her, she doesn’t need to invite you in. If you really like her, respect her decision to move slow. Good luck.
3 dates? You haven’t earned the trust or the interest
You are moving way too fast. Do you know how much a divorce completely wrecks your self esteem and ability to form relationships? The poor girl is trying to get back on her feet and start dating again. You’re being so inconsiderate. Especially after only 3 dates. This sounds awful and intense.
Buying stuff for someone doesn’t give you a ticket to sleep with them. You don’t have to pay for everything. It’s your choice to be generous but don’t expect something in return.
OK first off it’s been only three dates. Second off she sounds mentally damaged and not ready to date anyway. Also it sounds like you’re just wanting sex. Usually people that are very sexual and aggressive expect things to go faster than it supposed to. There is no set timeline for a relationship to develop. I feel like you need somebody that’s more your speed probably somebody that’s more sexually active than this woman is or somebody that is not as emotionally damaged. Also you have given her gifts already that’s kind of creepy. It sounds also like you suffer from nice guy syndrome. I want you to Google nice guy syndrome and read about it because it sounds like that’s what you’re doing and it needs to stop. Also my father told me years ago don’t expect things out of other people that you do for other people because you’ll be disappointed 100% of the time. I hope this helps. I am not putting you down however I kind of want you to be cognizant of your behavior and what you’re doing because it’s kind of toxic. I’m driving to you I’m giving you gifts blah blah blah and I expect XYZ out of you is not a healthy relationship.
Slow down homie
Dude. It’s been 3 weeks. I was dating my BF for 6 months before telling anyone about him.
Also, before him I was engaged to my ex. This was a SUPER toxic relationship and I suffered sexual trauma.
Has she spoken to you about why she likes to move slow? Do you know the details of the divorce?
Just to add. You shouldn’t expect a woman to put out because you pay for a meal…
You. Need. To. Chill.
I’d not say you’re being played. I’d say she could be honest in being slow and I’d trust her about it. But I’m my opinion, you should try to act slightly different to make sure you’re not alone on this boat.
Just propose her that she initiates the dates every two dates. Like a zip. So that you’re sure the interest in the relationship is shared evenly. This isn’t too strong of a move, and it allows you to both respect her pace and know if she’s into you enough to think about a future together. Good luck !
It’s only the 3 weeks and it’s the 3rd date why tf would she tell her family about you? And why would she need to invite you to stay? It’s too early on. You’re a red flag. 3 dates is barley getting to know someone
This is weird. 3 dates is nothing. I’d be weirded out if a guy was buying me gifts after 3 dates. I’m assuming you don’t have much experience? Why would you assume you’re being taken advantage of? You met 3 times? Yikes
Either you need to match her pace or move on. Staying the night after 3 dates is way too soon even for me! Also no you are not being played or taken advantage off. Some people want to take it slow! For example my bf and I have only been dating for just over 2 months now and been official for a month and we haven’t slept over at each other’s places yet because we are taking it slow.
3 weeks man. Different situation if it was 3 months.
bro its been 3 weeks and many times she’s voiced she moves slow. Shes been divorced and likely a lot of trauma there. She likes you and wants to see where things go, so don’t ruin it by being aggressive, putting her in weird mental spot by having to hook up or risk losing you, and especially dont give her any ultimatums. Just slow tf down. Don’t tell her you’re slowing down just do it. Telling her will only bring up the convo again. She prolly would have let you crash on couch and then you’d have a nice breakfast and day together but she was afraid you’d keep being pushy so she asked you to leave. That day after her bday could have been the day after she experienced you respecting her boundary.
You’ve driven an hour 3 times now for her, have put her in the spot where she’d even need to say she ‘moves slow’ multiple times, and shes given a legit reason for why she isn’t wanting to go at such an accelerated speed. Just chill dude. I know its tough but trust me, chill. Dont pile on or make her feel guilty or tbh bring it up. Just let it naturally go where it should go.
Edit: precame’d on hititng send too early.
She’s literally telling you, try listening