I am currently considering divorcing my husband of 13 years. I have mentioned divorce to him many times throughout our marriage, especially during fights. He always brushes off the idea and ignores me.
My husband is 41, thinning hair, and short (5’4) – not very good in bed (he used to be good but doesn’t last very long now – he is overly excited at every opportunity now). He is from a family who’s parents who loved each other until the day they died. I am from a family who’s parents divorced when she was in elementary school.
He is a good husband for the most part. He is a hard worker with a decent job. He takes care of all of his responsibilities, he’s not messy, and likes to cook. He plays and spends time with the kids. He is always there for his kids. He does all of the “manly” things around the house although he’s not good at it.
He organizes the house and is always buying things to make our lives at home better or more comfortable. Aside from a couple of pieces, he’s furnished the entire house. He’s had renovations done, etc.
He has been dieting as he is not overweight but wants to feel better. He has tried to get me to join him, but it’s not a priority for me and is quite a hassle; I eat what I like.
He listens to stories of how my day went, which can honestly be a 1 hour+ one side conversation. Although as the years have gone on, I’ve noticed that he’s been less invested or interested in listening to me.
He is fine with the lack of “wifely” duties I provide as he picks up the slack (laundry, dishes, etc.)
My complaints are that he isn’t very energetic and is a homebody – it is a chore getting him outside, especially during winter.
He works hard but lacks drive to improve his employment status to get more money. He manages a team of 6 and makes okay money, around 80k – but he should strive for more.
We have had a very low sex marriage. Perhaps once or twice per month at most throughout our lives as parents as I’m not interested in it, or am too tired to do it. He wants it constantly but I don’t have the energy, care, or drive to satisfy him in this regard. Severally women I’ve spoken to are having sex with similar frequency and feel as though he should just accept what I’m willing to give him and be satisfied with that. He would constantly ask for sex but I finally got him to stop a few years ago and it is only an issue a couple of times per week – of which I’ll typically shoot him down at least one of those times if not both.
Due to our busy schedules, I agreed to sex on Friday and Saturday nights. I rarely adhere to this sex schedule even though he looks forward to it all week and is more than happy to put the kids to bed those days. Regardless of my agreeing to the schedule, I shoot him down more often than not. Despite the schedule, we are having sex the same amount as before, it just gives him the illusion that there is opportunity for more. When I do have to have sex, he always makes sure that I have an orgasm. He always wants oral/vag sex but I typically only allow him a hand job. I likely only give him vag sex maybe once every 2-3 months.
He has tried communicating his needs and wants over the last few years as he has never been open to talking about his feelings. His requests are always around the lack of sex. I am not really understanding of what he wants. We are in our 40s and this is typical, he should just accept it. We fight about this a lot.
He has become more irritable over the years and lashes out as he gets quite angry when our sex life is discussed.
He always wants to communicate things he’d like for me to improve on (usually sex frequency), but it irritates me and I always end up pointing out all of his faults out of my own frustration on the subject. I’ve even gone so far as to tell him to find a FWB but I know he won’t as he worries about breaking up the family and causing harm to the kids and to his ability to see them everyday; if he does, I’ll end up divorcing him.
I want to mention that he is fairly indebted ($50k) partly due to some decisions I’ve made in the past, but if he were better with money he would have paid everything off by now while still being able to maintain our current lifestyle.
Now that you have the background on my current situation:
What are the odds that a 40 year old single mom of two kids – ages 5 and 9, who is a bit overweight, but career focused, find a long term partner or gets remarried?
I am quite selfish in that I focus on my children first, career second, and my partners needs last and often not at all. My husband has sent me various articles, Ted talks, etc on improving martial intimacy and the needs, benefits, etc, but I honestly can’t be bothered to watch it or read them as I have no interest in it.
I am willing to pay for 50% of everything.
I am not interested in having sex more than maybe a couple of times per month and most of the time just want to get it over with – preferring to give a manual release over other methods. I Don’t want anymore children.
I can’t cook well and have no desire to learn, am quite messy and disorganized in my home life.
I suffer from anxiety, stress, emotional issues, and at this age am unwilling to change myself as a person for anyone else.
What would my options be at this point?
I would prefer a man without children – it’s enough with my own. However if the right single dad comes around, that may be an option. Someone who takes somewhat care of themselves both mentally and physically. Has a great job and is motivated to grow both professionally and financially. Who aspires to travel (my current husband dislikes it, as he, a grown man, is afraid to fly). A man who wants to buy a big house and likes the outdoors.
I could just remain in my current situation, but I’m looking for much more as I feel I deserve it. I am hard working, ambitious and care for my family. I want someone who is more adventurous and has higher goals and expectations of themselves.