[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KtFYqjTdik](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KtFYqjTdik)
The scenario is that you are walking down the street and a bully stops and stares at you in an intimidating manner. [Dr Mark Phillips](https://londonwingchun.co.uk/dr-mark-phillips/) says that if your first reaction is to look away then this will tell the bully that you are scared, and that this will make you a potential victim, so what you do is you look at the bully and then look away and continue walking. He explains that the action of glancing at the bully tells the bully that you are not scared, and it also validates the bully’s ego, but does not go so far as to acknowledge the bully’s bad behaviour, and then by looking away you are telling the bully that you simply do not see the importance of continuing this staring match and you walk away.
Is there any evidence from psychology that a strategy like this would work more or less effectively than other methods? Are there other more effective methods?
In my opinion this must be a quick trick for shy people. Because surely if a bully is standing staring in an intimidating manner at a non shy person, the non shy person might include something verbal in his response, such as saying in a firm but polite tone: “Excuse me, can you please stop staring at me because you are making me nervous”.
I really do not see why anyone needs to be dishonest about the fact that the bully is scaring them a little, as surely fear is something that everyone, including the bully can equate with, and it is going to be an extremely immature person whom mocks you for being honest about a universal truth which we all suffer from.
I also do not see, in the instance that you are genuinely not scared, but still decided to just ignore the bully and make no eye contact whatsoever, how the bully could conclude from this that you are scared, unless he lacks emotional intelligence.
Ultimtely, I think to glance at the bully in order to let the bully know that you are not scared is the wrong reason to glance at the bully, and is just getting involved in the very thing that the DR is teaching you not to get involved with, and that is the ego battle. I think a better reason would be to show the bully with a smile, what a nice, friendly, calm, professional individual you are, even in potentially dangerous and hostile situations. The fact that you appear willing to deescalate the situation using debate and discussion, will likely intimidate the bully whom might be concerned that engaging in further communication with you will expose his lack of social skills, as his level of social interaction comes down to, and is limited to, who’s scared and who’s not scared.
So for this reason I feel the DR’s belief that the bully will definitely view you as scared, is in fact paranoia. It is also shyness for the DR to encourage you to worry about what the bully thinks. It sounds like to me when this DR walks passed a bully on the street and looks at the bully whilst saying in his mind, “I am not scared of you”, it is not the bully that he is trying to convince, but himself. I think this DR has a phobia about feeling fear, and I think he is wrong about a bully sensing ‘fear’ in someone being the main driving force behind what makes a bully target someone. I think you become a target when the bully senses that you are quite simply trying to pretend that you are harder than what you actually are. When someone is acting harder than they actually are, it is not that they look scared that attracts the bully, but the fact that they look stupid. And stupid people are easy targets. Cornered rats are not. But yes, it may be the fear that causes oneself to begin acting hard, however it is not the fear that a person needs to lose. The person needs to learn to control the fear and stop doing stupid things like trying to act to fearless in response to feeling fear. This DR’s advice is encouraging viewers to send a message to a bully, that a bully will be able to see through in a second. Denying the existence of fear is unrealistic, and is lying.
Quite simply, if you are confident that you can deal with this situation and are not overly worried about becoming a victim, why would you feel that you need to convince the bully at all costs that you are not scared? What does the bully thinking you are scared change in the long term?