Should I (36F) consider separating from my husband (40M)?
Let me preface this by saying we have been together six years, married four. I caught him chatting with girls online while we were dating, and while I didn’t like it we worked it out. Right after we got engaged a woman messaged me screenshots of my then fiancé asking her for certain pictures of herself. He got down on his knees and begged me not to leave, and swore on his deceased father he would never do it again.
Fast forward years later and while our marriage has not been perfect, we have stuck together and seemed to get stronger year over year. It definitely has not been easy as we have struggled with infertility, and our intimacy has never been great. He has low T and explained to me that he rarely “has the urge.” I try to spice things up and give him hints, which half the time he sort of chuckles at but never takes seriously.
I have almost come to just give up on that part of our life, because I love him and low T is not his fault. But then today I caught him on the phone talking to some girl he met in a chat room. The things he was saying to her are things he has NEVER said to me the entire time we have been together. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. I just stood there listening to him and this girl voice chat in disbelief. My heart shattered and it made me truly believe he has never been attracted to me. We have struggled financially over the years, and the last couple of months have been rough as he was laid off and we have only my income coming in. He also drove me completely crazy after we lost our dog, begging me to let him get a cat because he missed the companionship. I gave in and it’s been me taking on all the responsibility and he acts like the cat he had to have is a burden. This has been an ongoing thing we’re I basically give him what he wants to make him happy, but he never is. I know a lot of it is depression and he needs therapy, which he has said he would do over the years but never actually has. I have been ultra stressed lately and have taken on so much financially, along with help with my parents. And the thanks I got was him finding a girl in a chat room and saying those things to her.
I feel so disgusted and rejected. So many times I wanted him to say those things to me or take an active interest in that part of our life and this is how he repays me. I feel like he just married me because I was stable.
After I found out I told him I want to separate and I don’t know how we can come back from this. Yes he didn’t physically cheat on me but the hurt is there. He said he would go to couples counseling and he wants to work on things, but how can I take anything he says seriously. I asked him why he did it and he kept saying I don’t know, or he was bored. I’m seriously at a loss here.