tldr at the bottom. i just need to articulate my thoughts and feelings. thank you in advance if you decide to wade through everything i word vomit up.
i (f20) hung out with a girl today. ive known her for a while and she’s never indicated any romantic interest towards me until recently (like. super recently. a few weeks ago?), so it caught me really off guard. especially because… i dont know, i guess i dont feel like ive ever shown her a particularly desirable part of me. like its just me. which i guess can be seen as very romantic and whatever but it has been fueling a small “why me what the fuck” fire. ive never been in a romantic relationship before.
clearly, im reciprocating some level of interest towards her because im hanging out with her and letting her flirt with me. im just afraid that i dont actually *hold* the same level of interest, and am instead using her??? for validation and ego boosts or whatever the fuck. ykwim? im struggling to draw the line between my interest in a new thing vs. my interest in *her*. i dont want to continue this if i dont want to start a relationship with her. its not fair to her. am i attracted to her??? sure????? yes…? im very confused and frustrated as to why its so hard for me to answer this question.
i met her a few years ago and i remember describing her to my older sister. i said, “she’s like. really cool.” pause. “like. really really cool.” my sister looked at me kind of funny and it gave me pause. weird, it kind of sounds like i like her. do i like her? i dont think i like her. she’s really cool; if anything itd be kind of a pipe dream to imagine her dating me.
before any of you begin to claim im in a glass closet or whatever: i know im queer. ive known for a while. i have no issue in finding an individual of any gender attractive as long as they hit whatever checkboxes my ‘type’ requires.
so maybe she’s just not my type? physically? is that superficial of me? maybe she’s just not what i envision in a partner (physically???) when i envision myself w a romantic partner? thats not to say finding her attractive is impossible. i must find her at least fairly attractive now to be so riled up(??) by her romantic attention. im just saying its unexpected. i dont know. its 3 in the morning and i have to get up in 3 hours but i cant sleep because i keep thinking about her. that sounds really romantic, lmfao. i mean moreso that i keep thinking about whether or not im being kind and fair to her by hanging out with her and letting her flirt with me when im so unsure about this.
i guess i get flustered when i think about doing anything physical with her. she made a super flirtatious comment and it flustered me. she backed off and it sort of made me feel disappointed (but still fairly relieved, lmfao dont get me wrong). a nastier part of me says that i wouldve reacted the same way if she were anyone else; therefore whatever i feel towards her isn’t good enough.
ugh. this is all so new and i think im acting like im expecting us to get married next week. my god you guys 😭 i sort of feel like something is wrong with me because im having so much trouble articulating what i feel. i feel gross because im having trouble disproving the theory that im using her for attention and validation *because* im having so much trouble articulating what i feel. i try to disprove the theory but then my brain sort of goes a million places and then fizzles out like an overheated pc. or is this just an excuse?? is this normal? or do i have a lot of growing to do?
tldr; how do you differentiate between interest in a *relationship* vs interest in a relationship *with them*? is it okay to let someone flirt with you when you’re not sure whether or not you’d begin a relationship with them?