Some context –
I can say with 100% certainty my partner is not cheating on me but my partner does lie to me about very small and trivial things. He has for a long time now. Often, it seems, to avoid arguments or to avoid a reaction from me altogether. It makes me feel so small and irrelevant. Like I am not respected at all.
My partner grew up in a home where his parents were very hard on him, often expressing loudly their disappointment. I can’t help but wonder if that could be at the root of this and I feel that my partner would rather lie to avoid conflict/confrontation.
Please if your response is simply “break-up” just don’t bother. I am looking for advice to improve my relationship and work on things, not run when things get tough. I am in love with and committed to this person, despite their shortfalls. We all have strengths and weaknesses. That does not mean we should be given up on.
TL;DR – my partner lies about small things and I think it’s due to his upbringing but it makes me feel disrespected and unimportant.
21 comments
Kind of seems like it depends what the small lies are and how frequently whether it’s something that can be easily fixed.
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This is called compulsive lying. It’s very common in people who grew up in abusive or overly strict households, and if it roots as a child it’s nearly impossible to get rid of. He can go to therapy for it, but it’s likely to be *years* of hard work to see any real improvement. It’s deep-seated and won’t just go away.
If you insist on staying, then he needs to start therapy immediately, and YOU are going to have to come to terms with the uncomfortable knowledge that he is and will be lying to you. Constantly. For months to years *at best* and likely for life. You will never be able to trust his word fully.
he needs to learn that he can trust you not to punish him for the things around which he has learned anxiety.
this is a trauma reaction, he needs to talk to a professional who can teach him trust skills.
Trust works both ways. Fixing relationships requires both/all participants to be invested and participate in fixing it.
So what does he say when you ask him about why he lies to you? Is he accepting any responsibility for this behavior? He understands that this is unhealthy and problematic, right? Because honestly what he’s doing is slowly undermining any ability you may have to trust him. It’s not necessarily about the lies. It’s about your ability to take him at his word. Realistically, this is not a problem you can solve for him. You might be correct in assuming that there are reasons for his lies stemming from his childhood. However, regardless of the reasons he lies, the fact is that unless he identifies this behavior as problematic for himself, decides he needs to address it, and seeks out some therapy? I can’t see it changing very much. People change because they WANT to change. I feel like if your bf wanted to, he is probably smart enough to know how to operate a phone and get himself an appointment. That he’s not done that yet and seems content to continue to slowly erode your trust is worrisome.
You have clearly taught him that this is acceptable. I don’t know how you will reverse that.
Can you make it safe for him to come clean? I mean, people (kids in particular) will lie in order to avoid getting into trouble. If he grew up with serious consequences for little things, then it may be natural for him to first try to cover up. Next time you catch him, just be a rational “parent” type and explain that what he is hiding is not a big deal but the act of hiding/lying is a pretty big deal and may lead to bigger consequences, one of those being losing trust. Ask him is the trust important, and ask him how do his actions improve or destroy trust. Lying is childish and you have to demonstrate that it leads him to a position where he is patronised by his other half. But make it safe for him to come clean!
While it does seem like your boyfriend’s habit of lying comes from how his parents treated him growing up, it is your boyfriend’s responsibility to overcome it. There really isn’t anything you can do about it except realize his lies are a result of how he was conditioned as a child and are not meant to hurt you. Whether you are able to tolerate small lies on a fairly consistent basis is up to you.
I am really confused why I keep getting downvoted for asking for honest advice. 🙁
Lying is a habit leftover from childhood ( it was a great protective tool). It is not about you, he is just doing what he knows.
I was 15 years out of my parents home before I realized I no longer needed that tool. Then it was another 5 before I really kicked the habit.
I would suggest that gentle trust and kindness will help you both. Maybe when you catch him in a little lie, you make it into a joke.
Say he claims to have visited his brother Mark but in fact he had a beer with a friend Pete – and then lies about it. Sure it would be easy to feel disrespected – but it probably is just habit. So you can say, with nothing but honest light-hearted teasing, “oh I thought your brothers name was Mark.”
Show him that the truth is safe.
This is a problem with *his* behavior. What is *he* doing to address it? So the question becomes why are you trying to fix a problem he has?
If there’s no consequence to his behavior, he has no incentive to change it. So if he really does lie about small things (I ate McDonalds instead of the lunch you packed), don’t respond. And see if he gets the picture that not everything has to be a catastrophic reaction.
But seriously, he’s the one who has to see this is a problem and do something about it.
(1) He needs therapy, yesterday. This is above your paygrade as romantic partner to help him heal – childhood trauma is not a joke (as I’m sure you know) – and if you take on the task of helping him work through this, frustration and burnout will likely emerge on your end. You can support him, absolutely, but you need someone who has the training and education to guide him through this.
(2) You need to learn to respond to lies in a different way. Don’t react with anger in the moment. Don’t let shit slide, though, either. Model good boundary-setting and conversations in which you respond, not react, to his lies.
The caveat to this approach: he’s not a child and this approach could fuck up the normal balance of an adult romantic relationship. You need to be vigilant that you don’t become “Mom” (or a version of “Mom” that is better than the one he had growing up) who lets everything slide in the name of love and “teaching him” how to communicate. That, again, is not your job and where a therapist will be crucial in making sure he is taking accountability for adult behavior that he learned as a child.
Having watched my dad undo a slew of behaviors from abusive parents, it can be done. But you cannot accommodate everything because it just enables behavior. It’s tricky, tricky shit.
*>. I am looking for advice to improve my relationship and work on things, not run when things get tough. I am in love with and committed to this person, despite their shortfalls. We all have strengths and weaknesses. That does not mean we should be given up on.*
This is self-delusion.
What you should probably do is become comfortable knowing you can’t really trust your partner to tell you the truth. You can still have a wonderfully shallow relationship. The small trivial things may turn to big important things.
*>I feel that my partner would rather lie to avoid conflict/confrontation.*
Some people are non-confrontational. This is your partner.
The thing is, you probably shouldn’t try to change someone, accept them with all their flaws. If you can’t do it, then you should leave them to find someone who can.
But you don’t want to hear that. Understandable. There’s actually not much you can do if anything. It’s something internal he has to want to change and be able to do so. At this point, you have to learn to accept this flaw.
Compulsive lying is a good bit more than things “getting tough” or having a weakness.
Getting tough tends to refer to getting sick, losing a job, or some other act of God or normal life process like the loose of a parent which causes total normal human distresses.
Compulsive lying is a toxic habit that undermines trust, and basically destroys a couple’s ability to deal with challenges when things *actually do get tough.*
You need to be very frank with him: His tactic for handling his toxic parents is preventing him from having a healthy relationship with you. It’s understandable this is a powerful, protective habit, but it’s not productive anymore. It’s damaging. He must change.
You both need to admit his actions are endangering the relationship. This is not a moment to tell him you’re committed to him no matter what. This is a moment to tell him you *want* to remain committed no matter what, but that his actions are deeply painful to you, undermine your trust in him, make you feel insecure in the relationship, and leave you fearful of your ability to be a healthy couple in the long-term. He needs to do better. This is not opitional. This is not “I’ll try”. This is a “Fix it, or this relationship may someday crash and burn over this issue.”
You need to be in a relationship where a.) he trusts you not to get angry with him over trivial things and b.) you are allowed to have a full range of emotions and experiences, including being mad sometimes or disagreeing strongly, without it being a crisis he is unable to handle.
I was like this early on in my relationship. I learned as a kid that it was easier to lie because you’d end up avoiding conflict…basically it’s taking the easy way out. My girlfriend (at the time, now wife) noticed this and told me super seriously that if I didn’t stop this shit she was going to leave. I decided at that point I had no choice but to be honest and just deal with whatever issues / conflict comes from that head on. It was a difficult adjustment period at first but it didn’t take long before it was easy and I no longer had the desire to lie to avoid difficult conversations. That was many years ago, we’ve been happily married for over 10 years now.
You can’t make people tell you the truth. You can’t make anyone do anything. You can ask but they are liars.
You can’t fix people who don’t want to be fixed and one person can not improve a relationship.
Your instincts on this are probably correct, on why your partner developed this habit. It may have been a survival tactic when he was growing up, but now it’s no longer needed and is in fact damaging your relationship in the present. If he’s otherwise a kind, loving partner, I can see why you would want to stay and work on this. (My advice below is working from that assumption – if there are other pervasive issues in the relationship, it might be useful to examine them in terms of a larger pattern).
Has he admitted to the lying, and expressed a desire to change and be more truthful? Keep having those conversations with him, about how this is affecting you and ways you can try to work with him to kick the habit. For example, is there a means of communication that he’s more comfortable with/finds it easier to tell the truth? What kinds of situations trigger the impulse to lie?
One strategy that the two of you could try, as an experiment (IF he is admitting to the problem, and 100% on board with trying to change): if he notices that he has lied to you, in the moment or just after – taking a moment to pause, and then coming back with “wait, I didn’t actually mean [compulsive lie]. I meant to say [the actual truth].” And he can feel safer in correcting himself, knowing that you’ve both agreed to do this as a team.
If he doesn’t admit to the lying at all or avoids taking responsibility, then you’re in a much less collaborative place with him. He has to want to change this habit, and be willing to put in the work. Also think about where your limits are, in terms of what you are willing to accept from him, and how much needs to change before you’re comfortable trusting him as a partner. Discuss your boundaries with him, and enforce them as necessary. Knowing the reason behind the lies doesn’t excuse them, or absolve him of the responsibility to change. It just gives you a place to work from.
You haven’t mentioned how long you’ve been together, but couples therapy to work through this can be an option too. Good luck, OP!
[Edit – forgot to mention, he should consider individual therapy to work on this. You can support him, but he should be putting in the majority of the work!]
Could he practise telling you when he’s lied about something, once his initial panic response is over? That might help him move away from the pattern a bit, especially if it becomes more usual and the time it takes him to admit it becomes shorter. Then he can get used to seeing you respond calmly and affectionately. Start with something trivial, too. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t true when I said I don’t need anything from the shops, actually I’m out of cheese. Thanks for doing the shopping, love.”
My partner and I both have PTSD from childhood trauma. He’s on antidepressants, and also has ADHD. The first few times he messed up getting a repeat prescription in time, he spiralled a bit about getting another one, which meant he didn’t deal with it, which meant he was off his meds for a good week and hadn’t told me, because his brain was telling him it would be awful if he told me. Eventually he did tell me. I was relieved to know what was wrong. I thanked him, hugged him, I can’t really remember what, but told him it was completely understandable as a response, brains do that shit. I probably offered to ring the pharmacy on his behalf to sort out the prescription, I do that for him sometimes (he hates phones), and occasionally he’s done it for me.
Anyway, with ADHD the problem of forgetting to sort out repeat prescriptions in time is going to recur, and it’s noticeable that he’s got a lot better about dealing with it. He doesn’t feel held back by shame like he used to, and he’s better at asking for help, and for saying, “Actually, I’ve missed a couple of doses, sorry if I’ve been grumpy.” So the problem doesn’t go on for so long any more, generally we get the new prescription a day later, and he gets less panicky if he misses a dose.
It’s a survival tool. I know because I used it.
My mother was incredibly critical of any mistakes I made or anything she could be seemingly disappointed of. So I learned to lie my way out of just about anything to avoid the screaming, berating et.
It translated to my relationships as an adult in “non damaging” ways – like when asked if I took out the trash I’d say yes even if I hadn’t and when confronted with it I’d say oh I meant to or I thought I did.
Be gentle – your partner doesn’t do this to hurt you. They do it because it’s what they know and how they survived their childhood.
Love and support go a long way.
I do this. I recently lied about a plant I had years ago? It just happens instinctively. I later just confessed a couple of hours later and explained I didn’t know why I lied. I however don’t lie about big things and tend to over share. My boyfriend is really good about it but I think it’s because he can tell when I’m lying or not.
examine YOUR reaction when hes honest. Are you calm as heck when he spills an unpleasant truth?
If the honest answer is yes, then you may gently ask him to be honest with you and show him you deserve that.
You need to positively reinforce the behavior you want to see, and very gently call out the behavior that bothers you when you see that.