Im constantly evaluating consciously how what Im doing and what Im saying is changing my social status. For context im in highschool, possibly mild aspergers? Lots of emberassing moments throughout childhood and difficulty mingling with my peers. Well actually, extreme difficulty. Having to warch youtube videos and taking notes to help me learn. It didnt help that much.
I want to remove this layer of disconnect Ive always had during my life. Getting in the “zone” where youre just there and having fun and connecting with your peers.
But tbh idk what that feels like. I remember in elementary school I was like 8 or 9 and we had a game where two kids would run around a set of 2 poles. Both chasing eachother to catch the other one.
While everyone else would be cheering and having fun id just watch idly. It would feel surreal with everyone yelling and stuff.
I hated it. I was taking notes on how to act. But after about 3 sets of interactions my pre planned interactions would run out.
I dont know what its like to not have that layer of seperation.
I hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it fuck me man i cant continue living like this.
Everytime I remember not feeling that degree of seperation id do something stupid and emberass myself.
Now its gotten to the point I cant sit in a room by myself without evaluating if im feeling feelings the right way.
Like ill be anxious and then ill start meta analyzing wether the way im feeling anxious is “correct”
Honestly I just feel fundamentally flawed.