I thought I might give a little update, if anyone’s interested, from my last post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/t8trun/how\_to\_have\_conversation\_about\_communication/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/t8trun/how_to_have_conversation_about_communication/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) , in which many of you tried to give me a good reality check. After that, I was super ready to have “the talk” with him, lay out my needs/expectations, and ask him point blank if he was able to meet me where I’m at. But, turns out I didn’t need to, because he dumped me!
I really wanted to have the conversation in person, but when I asked him today how his week was going he volunteered that he had “another busy weekend” coming up; things to do on Saturday and Sunday. I asked if that meant he would be too busy to get together (would’ve been the second weekend in a row). Hours later, he finally he replied saying that he really likes me a lot and wants a relationship but, right now, only feels capable of casual dating and he feels that it’s not fair to me and a waste of my time.
I get it (sort of). He’s in a weird place right now and has some mental health/other stuff going on. He communicated openly with me about all of this, and so it’s not that I’m totally shocked. I knew I was taking a risk. Even so, I’m super devastated. I had never met a man that felt so comfortable and home-y to me right away. It felt like we were so compatible in terms of values and personalities. It just meshed well and I cared about him so much. I was so excited to see where it could, possibly, go.
My family and friends have pointed out some of the ways it showed, along the way, that he clearly wasn’t invested. And they’re totally right. I just never had a doubt in my mind how much he liked me and was hoping that because we were clearly such a good match, we could just take it slow and things would settle into place eventually. Not the smartest thing, I know… this is a lesson to me to not second guess myself and to communicate my needs SOON. Even the ones that I assume I shouldn’t really have to communicate because they’re obvious or something. NOPE, you can never assume that anything is obvious to another person. And, “believe people when they tell you…” etc. The advice that gets old but is so true. Anyway, thanks, y’all for reading and for your comments last time. They did help. Time to go take a preventative ibuprofen for the headache, cry in the shower and then cry myself to sleep!
4 comments
I’m just going to say… **this isn’t about you doing something wrong** because even with the “should haves” you put here, it seems like you gave it your all. The original thread is deleted, but I’m going to assume he did the get-close-become-distant thing. You can’t read minds and if he wasn’t direct with you about how “ready” he was to be dating seriously, it’s not on you. There is a certain amount of trust you have to have that people are as they say they are when you date. **You vet as much as you can… but again. You can’t read minds**. I’m glad to hear you’ll pay more attention to what you see next time, though. The line between “paranoid” and “paying attention” can be really hard to navigate, but you’ll get there.
And to be fair, sometimes going slow and letting it happen does work. This is what happened with my boyfriend (though he is… exceptionally self-aware in some very interesting ways). He wasn’t sure what he wanted, I decided to go with it anyway because I really liked him, and he did figure it out and decide that I was worth more than the “what if’s” in his mind, good and bad. I specifically put myself into the “enjoy whatever it is while it lasts” mindset at that point and reminded myself I’ve survived a lot worse than a breakup after a few weeks with someone – nothing was going to kill me.
Remember, heartbreak is a risk we all take and **you are STRONG and you will survive, heal, and thrive!** You’ve got this! Don’t look back – you’re ahead of this guy and you’ll get someone who’s at your level and be so much happier!
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, OP.
I’m sorry it turned out this way.
It will be painful but it’s for the best rather than getting in a loop of frustration.
Give yourself time to heal and don’t ever think you acted or did anything wrong.
It’s difficult to guard your emotions when you’re comfortable around someone and that’s okay. Please focus on yourself, heal for a bit and if you feel like it head our head held high because you deserve a decent partner!
I have a similar situation with a guy I’ve been dating and this is making the wheels in my head turn. Might just have to let mine go too. I feel like I am always the one initiating conversation and dates. I want to be wanted too!