Should say Emotionally Unavailable sorry!
Both of us are in our mid-late 30s. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months. Because of work and distance, we may see each other ~2 weeks. Things started out great, dwindled and now I have no idea what’s going on. Although he is a great guy, we recently went on a trip and this changed things for me.
Things I like about him: he’s always down to help people and lives for it. He will help people without a second thought. He even volunteers as a firefighter. He’s honest and straightforward. Charismatic. Good sense if humour. He makes me feel safe. He does things without asking, he initiates. In the beginning, he would send me texts throughout the day with well wishes and asking how I was doing.
I was a bit hesitant in the beginning, but didn’t know why. We kissed on the 3rd date. He is not a great kisser tbh. At the time, I wasn’t too affected by it thinking perhaps he was inexperienced. He split from his ex a few years back and it was not at all amicable and embarrassing. They share 2 kids, 12 and 9. She has primary custody. So I was thinking his experience may be limited to that and his teens since he mentioned he hasn’t really dated since his split because of it. He also works a lot which he says was the main reason though.
None of this bothered me too much because he seemed very into me. We kept in contact, he tried to see me when he wasn’t working. Then we had sex about a month in when we camped. It also was not great and just “off” somehow. Usually, lack of sexual spark usually is a deal breaker for me. But I really liked him and felt he deserved that chance, plus I thought he was teachable lol. I have never been one for serious relationships either, until a couple of years ago. I was abused when I was a kid for many years and I think this has affected that. So I think we are both affected by trauma.
Things stayed good until about late month 3-early 4th month of seeing each other. By this point, I wanted to get more serious. Then I noticed distance. The texts still happened, but not as frequently. We booked a trip on month 3 that we took this December, month 5. He introduced me to people we met there as his ‘friend’. Although he would engage in conversation, I had to be the primary initiator. But he was great at speaking with other strangers all the time instead or on his phone. Halfway through the trip, he didn’t want sex anymore. I didn’t feel any emotion from him. He was never one for touch, but he still held my hand and kissed me when I asked He was still thoughtful of “caring” for me during the trip ( e.g. would get me another drink when mine was empty). I honestly didn’t know how to broach the awkward feeling of not knowing what happened. He did ask me a couple of times if something was bothering me. But I didn’t know how to start at the time. The whole experience was weird and since I’ve been home, am pondering if it’s just disinterest or emotional unavailability? But I am hurt. I need advice on what happened.
We got home a couple of weeks ago and are due to spend next weekend together. I have slowed on initiating texts until he does. He’s stopped asking me how I was doing but is still there if needed. As much as I like him and wanted this to work, I think we are better off going our separate ways since I need the validation/affirmation I don’t think he can give me. I need advice, am I reading the signs wrong?
I don’t want to hurt him, especially because of his past. I actually don’t think he is aware that I may breakup with him. Any tips on how I should approach this discussion?