It’s like the rose-coloured glasses have been knocked off and I’m in a tailspin. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for about 1.5 years so far. He’s basically the only partner I’ve ever known. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years. He has anger issues but has never sought help for it, instead I’ve just taken and taken and taken any anger or bad moods that he’s experiencing. He has never laid a hand on me but he throws/breaks things and is very verbally hurtful. I often get blamed for every little thing (albeit sometimes jokingly, but it adds up and he doesn’t seem to see a problem with this even though I’ve raised it). He tends to be controlling in my friend relationships, what we do and how we do it. Little things like being there for family and friend gatherings he’ll often blow off just because “it’s boring” and he doesn’t want to go whereas I’m expected to go to all the events he wants me to come to (where he often ends up ditching me anyway to be a social butterfly).
Despite all this (and more I won’t go into because space) I’ve stuck by him for the happy times and weathered the bad. But a few weeks ago we had a fight where he said we “should each have separation plans” (threatening to break up/divorce is not unusual for him when angry). Something in the moment clicked for me where I realized “why am I putting up with all this? Why have I been putting up with it for so long?” Since then, I’ve been keeping my distance and he senses this, so he’s been extra affectionate and even suggesting dates, after he’s been shooting down my date suggestions for months. We don’t do anything unless it’s his idea. But at this point, I just don’t want to spend that time with him.
To make matters worse, I’ve also started thinking about this guy I went out with twice, years ago. My husband (then boyfriend) was brazen about being on Tinder “just to see what it was like”, despite his friends and I calling him out on it. Ultimately nothing came of that but a few months later after a fight I created a dating profile as well “just to see what it was like” out of spite (not saying this is healthy, but it’s what happened). One guy I matched with in particular stood out to me, we bantered well and he asked me out. My boyfriend and I were in another fight at the time and he wanted a break, so I agreed to go out for dinner, not expecting anything to come of it anyway. But… he was perfect on paper, and we clicked so well. I felt real feelings for him. Soon after those dates, my boyfriend came back into the picture and I felt a sense of obligation to him, despite everything. So I ghosted the other guy, thinking it was better that he could just forget me and I told myself that he probably didn’t like me as much as I liked him, he was probably a womanizer, he was just too good to be true, I owe it to my boyfriend (husband) after being with him for so long already… I didn’t want to risk falling further or cheating, but he messaged me for almost a year after that. At the time I thought this was less cruel but in hindsight I feel awful and I wish he could know how I actually felt and that it wasn’t his fault.
Flash forward to now and I feel like that was a watershed moment I truly fucked up. I missed all the red and green flags and I’m desperately wishing I could just talk to other guy again to know how he’s doing and to know that I’m sorry. He still holds a special place in my heart and I regret handling things like I did. I did send him an apology, which he read after I accidentally liked an Instagram post of his (we don’t follow each other, I’m not even sure if he knew my account beforehand), but he hasn’t responded. Though to be fair, I said he didn’t have to and I’d understand.
As for my husband, he hasn’t heard how I feel lately but he knows I’m “off”. I want to be sure of what I’m truly feeling before saying anything because you can’t unsay this sort of thing. I’m just struggling between: do I throw everything I’ve known away for an unknown (especially in this economy), or do I find my pockets of happiness with him where I can, like I’ve already been doing for so long?
I know this post does him no favours, but he’s not a terrible person. I acknowledge that I’ve hurt him over the years as well with my actions or inactions. Maybe it’s just that we’re hurtful to each other in our own particular ways. I just don’t know if I’m overreacting to these suddenly intense feelings of “why do I put up with this?” Especially when I compare to other couples who seem to be more on the same wavelength, where their partners don’t appear to openly critique them in front of others or lose their cool, and stick by their side. Comparison is the thief of joy, yes, but if you’re already unhappy, benchmarking can help you figure out the gap.
Idk what to do. I’ve never felt these feelings so strongly and it scares me.
TLDR: questioning my marriage after I’ve been with husband/boyfriend for basically half my life and may be conflating it with feelings I have for “the one that got away”.