My mother (67F) and my father (69M) and cannot stop arguing.
The issue goes back (according to my mom) a couple of decades already. It involves my father cheating on her several times and even having a child with another woman, among many other things he has done to her. They have had a loveless marriage basically my entire life, because my mom decided not to divorce to, in her words, provide stability for me and my sister. This is her side of the story and her motivations as she has pointed them out to me. She made me promise not to tell my father about it, so he ignores that both my sister and I know about this. I do believe her, but at the same time I feel that I cannot fully take a side without at least hearing my father’s side, even if it is to deny or lie to defend himself. Whenever they have arguments about other stuff, I try to stay as neutral as I can. My mother feels like I should be taking her side no matter what, but I disagree since I think it’s more important that they both find a way of dealing with their past or finally separating.
I personally do not see any way in which I can contribute to a resolution of the issue. I have tried telling my mother to go to therapy, offering to pay for it, therapeutic writing material and else, but she refuses to do them. She believes that by reading about psychology, she can figure out how to deal with my father. In my view, the truth is that she’s become resentful at a very deep level and chooses not to do anything because that’s her main answer to problems.
They clearly love both my sister and me, but have no love and even show contempt for each other. The only times I tried speaking to my father about it (about their constant arguing, as if I didn’t know about anything else) he simply said that people argue when they get older and that’s it. He shows no interest in opening up on the matter and prefers to avoid the situation.
Is it possible to fix this at such an age? Neither side seems to wish to communicate to one another and I just wish they would. I know that therapy is not magical; it requires both sides to wish to engage and have hopes of improvement. Does anyone have good examples of someone in their 60’s benefitting from couple’s therapy or maybe only individual therapy? Or did it backfire?
Thank you!
tl;dr: my parents have had a loveless marriage for decades and cannot stop arguing. My mother decided not to divorce “for the kids”, becoming bitter with the years and my dad just avoids any discussion on past mistakes. I wonder if there are cases of therapy working for couples in their 60s.