TL; DR Please bear with me because this is gonna be long.
So I’ve been on and off with my “boyfriend” for almost 4 years now. We started off long distance living in two different states. We’ve been through everything together and we’ve seen each other through the absolute worst. (cheating, family issues, financial issues, transportation issues. You name it, we’ve been through it.)
He’s cheated on me MULTIPLE times and I’ve stayed or temporarily broken up with him most times. I’ve also cheated and done my dirt, he hasn’t found out about all of the times but he’s seen a few things from me. I’m not proud of this at all and im embarrassed I’ve stayed with him this long but let me explain why.
He comes from a tight knit family that gets together for every holiday and does the normal “healthy” family stuff you can imagine. I come from the complete opposite, a super toxic dynamic and I am basically completely distant from majority of my family. As im writing this I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a year. My family dynamic has caused me to be completely independent and has given me horrible attachment issues and has altered my general view on love and family as a whole.
Throughout our relationship we have lived together a few times and it’s mainly been me moving into his grandmothers house because that’s who he’s lived with for years now. Last year he got a job opportunity in another state ( different from where we both are from) and I decided to follow him to this new state and get an apartment with us two, his brother and brothers fiancé. It worked out for the first few months but eventually we began to argue a lot, he got unhappy and moved back to his grandparents house and left me, the brother and the fiancé in the apartment. (This is not the first time he’s basically abandoned me in something we’ve done together or planned to do together.) At first i tried to be understanding because maybe he wasn’t ready for us to live together but eventually he ended up cheating again while he was back home and we were constantly on and off for the remainder of the lease in this new state.
Fast forward to the end of the lease which was about two months ago, the 3 of us remaining in the apartment decided not to renew the lease and we were all gonna move back home to save up and live on our own (around the end of the lease we started talking again/dating again.) As i said before I don’t have any family to really rely on so it was either find an apartment by myself which I could not afford and my credit isn’t the best or move in with my “bf’s” grandparents while I save up for an apartment in his state (let me say, I love the city he’s from and I always planned to move here so me moving to this state was not the main issue.)
He also suggested I move in with him because he was worried about me staying in a different state all alone while barley making any money which I completely agreed with.
Fast forward to NOW, I am absolutely miserable. I feel stuck because I do not feel as in love with him anymore as I used to be. All the times he’s cheated on me replays in my head constantly like a damn movie, every little thing he does irritates me so bad and it makes me nag at him constantly. Not to mention his grandparents are so annoying (I still love and appreciate them bc they’ve always treated me like a daughter) and he honestly turns me off because he doesn’t act like a man. Some days i love him and other days like today i just cannot stand him. I feel stuck because im ready to leave but i honestly have nowhere to go and i depend on him and his family more then i would like to admit. They have basically become my family with everything they’ve done for me financially and always supporting me.
I honestly just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. He is not what I want anymore and im afraid to come to terms with that because of how attached I am. He’s essentially all I have and I hate that I’ve let him become all I have.
Background info: He’s a good person. I know everything im saying doesn’t sound like it but he’s always taken care of me. He would give me the shirt off his back if I needed it. If I need him he’s always been there but he’s horrible at relationships and staying loyal to me. He plays victim a lot and I hate it.
Should I just leave him and figure it out on my own or should I just suck it up and save up money til I can leave? I’ve seen women stay around til they can secretly save up money and just leave but im so miserable I don’t even wanna stick around for that long.
TL;DR