I feel like I’m living in my worst nightmare and I just want to wake up.
Backstory, my partner and I have been together for 2.5 years, we live together and up until now we have had a very healthy supportive and strong relationship. The actions he took recently are so out of character I cannot even begin to explain how in shock I am. About 6 months ago my boyfriend and I were exploring the idea of a threesome with another woman. We made a couples account in a Hinge and Field and were looking for a woman. We had very clear and open communication about what we wanted and our boundaries. 4 months ago we had a conversation to stop looking and work on us, we both agreed. Since then things have been feeling “off” in our relationship and we have had many conversations about it. He made a comment about not feeling attracted to be because I’ve gained weight since we started dating 2 and a half years ago (which he apologized for) and we have been working through his decreased attraction to me. I have been really feeling like this is my fault.
Fast forward to the other morning when I found out that he was still using the dating apps with our couples profile on his account and he was matching with dozens women, couples and talking to them as if he were me saying “I’m the girl” at first I was curious and felt betrayed because we had agreed to stop looking for a third months ago. Then I realized he was sexting with these people as if he was me. And not only that but he was sharing naked photos and videos of me when them without my consent or knowledge. Some of the photos and videos he sent were ones I had shared with him that were ONLY for him. While others were ones I had NEVER shared with him or anyone else. He didn’t even crop out my face. Some of these had my full face in the the photos and videos. He also went off of the dating apps to other platforms like SnapChat, Telegram, and What’s App to continue to share and exchange my nudes (without my consent or knowledge) with other strangers online.
When I confronted him he admitted to air dropping himself the photos and videos of me from my phone to himself. He said he didn’t know why he was doing it and that when he started he knew it was wrong but he just couldn’t stop and he got addicted to it. He deleted the accounts and deleted all messages he had sent to anyone on the accounts (I didn’t get a screenshot or “proof” of it I was in shock and didn’t think about that) and he deleted all the nude photos of me.
It’s the holidays so we are currently at my parents house and I don’t know what to do.
I’m terrified, scared, worried, hurt, angry, confused, in shock and feel like my whole world has just been turned upside down. I never thought he could have done this to me. It still doesn’t feel real. This doesn’t feel black and white to me because of the life we’ve built and the love I have for him. But I don’t know what to do.
How do I protect myself? How do I make sure all the photos and videos are gone from online when I don’t know exactly which ones were sent? How can I make this not haunt me for the rest of my life?