TL;DR: How many of you have returned to your marriage after a separation, vs. it being the first step to divorce?
My \[43M\] wife \[43F\] and I have been married 20 years, and together 25. (Yes, we started dating in high school.) We began as close friends, which eventually led to romance, but the friendship has always been at the core. By the time we were 23, we had already been together 5 years, and loved each other, so marriage seemed like the next logical step. My wife admits now that she didn’t want to get married, but was too scared to stop it. And again, we were only 23, and it seemed like that’s what you do.
We have always loved each other and still do. We do not bicker or argue much. We have two kids \[16F & 13F\], and we co-parent well together. We also manage the day-to-day of the house well together, vacation well, manage projects well. Basically, in many ways, we’re still a really good team.
The problem is the intimacy is dead. And, although it is hard to remember what things were like 20 years ago, I suspect the romantic problems may have started before we were even married. I have tried hard to show her I love her in so many ways, but the intimacy and romance has never been where I wanted it to be, and I’m only now coming to realize that this is a need I have that’s gone unmet. And she has her own needs that have gone unmet as well.
We’re officially separated at this point, but still living in the same house for a few more weeks, (as we did not want to tell the kids before Christmas.) We’re planning on doing the “bird nesting” thing where we get an apartment and rotate the parents in/out of the house, while the kids stay in place. At least for the time being.
We’ve done therapy twice, once about 10-11 years ago, and again now over the past several months. My wife views the separation as time and space to work on ourselves. But I see it more as a first step towards divorce. I do believe that separation is the best step at this point after a ton of reflection, reading, and therapy.
But I’m *incredibly* scared. Scared, of course, at what this will mean for the kids, the house, 20 years of memories to all of that stuff to sort through. But, mostly, I’m scared that there’s a chance we’re making a terrible mistake that I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
For those of you that have been through this journey, and have a similar situation (non-toxic, amicable, etc.), did you end up divorcing after the separation, or getting back together? Do you have regrets.
Sorry for the novel, and thank you if you made it this far. And, Merry Christmas to you all.