Ladies, how have you navigated long time friends whose values have changed in the opposite direction of yours?

8 comments

1. Depends on the types of values that have changed and what they’ve changed to.

   In general, I’d start by discussing the change in attitudes and beliefs with them, and then curating my friend group as needed to remove those who have views I consider hateful, bigoted, violent, or dangerous. Simple disagreement on inconsequential items is fine, but if they have moved towards a hateful ideology or belief system and have actively chosen to ally themselves there, then our friendship would end.

2. In my case, my longtime friends have changed in some ways we don’t see eye to eye on, but it hasn’t reached a point where I feel the need to end our friendship

3. Ugh idk. I have 2 friends who have gone in polar opposite directions, and one told the other she is done being his friend and doesn’t talk to him. I totally get her intentions, and I sometimes feel guilty for not doing the same. He is homophobic, transphobic, loudly and rudely pro-life, and also just kind of obnoxious sometimes lol.

   But at the same time, he’s been a good friend to me, and we’ve known each other for like, 17 years, and I love his kids and can’t cope with cutting him out of my life.

4. I can’t be friends with people who don’t believe some of my other friends deserve human rights. I’d try to the people who’ve changed, and see how firmly rooted those ideas are, but I’m not interested in being friends with bigots.

5. Eh. Some of my closest friends are pretty much opposite to me in some of their views. We roll with it. I can’t get behind the idea of throwing out the whole person because we don’t agree on some stuff. Also I really value the conversations we have. I’m tired of just being in a giant echo chamber all the time, there’s no growth in that.

6. [removed]

7. As long as the person is willing to be respectful, agree to disagree when appropriate, and focus on enjoying the common ground left to us, I don’t really have an issue. If they’re not willing to do those things at least most of the time, I’m out.

   To be fair, even if I share someone’s opinions on a topic, if they’re rude and evangelical about it, I’m probably also out.

8. I have a friend of about 15 years, and i just dont know what to think anymore. Her choice in her man is concerning, and I think her general unhappiness with life, and with him, is ruining her. She spends like no tomorrow on frivolous things (she is in her early 50’s), with no retirement or savings. I gently urge savings, cutting spending, etc., and Im met with comments about how I am money obsessed, etc. Her mind has seemed to become so narrowed that we dont even have meaningful conversation anymore. And she has developed weird expectations of me. Im currently being ignored for the last two weeks, because apparently my “happy birthday” text wasnt good enough? Even though I was sick with COVID….Im supposed to go all out with gifts, etc? The childishness is weird, and honestly Im thinking its time to cut the friendship cord. I hate cutting off long time friends (especially one i was super close with), but i think friends who cause you trouble with their changes in attitude/values, etc., arent worth the emotional toll.