We met in early October and started dating right away. We’ll call her Jane. She mentioned right away that she wanted to take her time, that past relationships had her freak out because they went too fast. For example, in her previous relationship, her ex said “I love you” after 3 weeks. They weren’t officially a relationship in her eyes, and because she freaked out, she hooked up with another guy. She isn’t proud about that. The relationship ended up being toxic as hell.
Anyway. Jane and I started very nicely. After a bit more than a month I asked her to be my official girlfriend, to which she said yes. Then one day I messed up; I was insecure about her hanging out with ex flings. I got a text from a Tinder girl whom I had never met. I told Jane about it, and said “I think I’ll go meet her just by curiosity”. Jane became instantly super cold, she understandably almost broke up with me. When she understood it was just my insecurities and that I was kind of testing her, she actually understood and softened. That night, as we were having that tough conversation, I said “I love you” for the first time. Her answer was “Don’t say that”. The incident was forgotten btw. Jane never mentioned it again and doesn’t care.
We stayed together, it was beautiful. She also said she loved me but a very few times. It’s been 3 months. But I felt like the relationship has been degrading lately. For a few weeks, Jane has become colder and colder. It started when I had jealous behaviour. At times I was indeed trying to understand why “blasts from the past” were still contacting her. I wanted to know any time an ex would talk to her. I wanted to know whether she was flirtaous with dudes at parties. She became really annoyed. She became super distant lately. But she was also going through life-changing challenges, and I was there for her. Supported her, cooked her dinner, massaged her, comforted her. She thanked me for that. Yet, she became distant again afterwards.
Today I mentioned to her that I feel rejected more and more. She finally told me that she is scared that I am too controlling, paternalist (giving her unrequited advice; it’s true that I’m used to be the “man of the house” in my family), intrusive, intense. She also said this. “I think we went too fast. We don’t have the same perspective because I’ve been through 8 breakups and I think I am a bit jaded. I’ve become more realistic, less reckless in love. My normal rythm is to become official, or to say I love you after about 5 months. I did want to be with you, but I feel like it’s still early, we are still in troubled water, we still don’t really know each other. So, my reason makes me slow down and take a step back.”
I asked “Will there ever be clear water / certainty that we will work together?” to which she replied “In my opinion it’s impossible to know that early, that’s the point”.
Where do we go from there? I am pretty lost. Thank you.
TL;DR!: My new girlfriend has been backing off from the relationship lately. She confessed it went too quick and we cannot know yet if it’s actually working together because we still don’t know each other well. She also got annoyed at me in the past. I feel undervalued and don’t know what to do.