i (18m) have been constantly in a pretty turbulent family, with my father (59m) and mother (54f) constantly starting explosive arguments since childhood. over time this has mellowed out, but only in the sense of there not being frequent major quarrels. the family is quite clearly split between my father and my sister (23f), and my mother, with me sort of in the middle, having to regularly be the bridge between both sides. it’s been so bad that i’ve been instructed to ask my mother a question on my sister’s behalf when all of us are literally in the same room.
i’ve never felt comfortable “siding” with either one of my parents, because it just never felt like it was going to bring about any good. i also don’t necessarily feel like i have freedom with either side, given they both have had pretty bad tempers (my mother is a lot more explosive, ranting and raving, but my father and sister still are quite confrontational if i disagree with either of them or if i do something wrong).
my school year’s quite recently concluded, and my sister’s decided to book an overseas trip for me, my father and herself for over a week in mid-January. of course, this leaves out my mother, and i’ve been explicitly told not to tell her anything about the fact that this trip is happening. she’s been suspecting that my sister has planned to go overseas (possibly by herself), but not that all of us are leaving.
at this point, i’m quite at a loss for what to do. my sister’s booking flights and hotel reservations and the like, and i’m quite convinced that if i just say i don’t want to go that both her and my father are going to be quite pissed about it. on the other hand, i can’t imagine the sheer eruption that’s going to happen for when my mother realises we’re all going, and for when we arrive back. i know for sure i’m going to get caught in the middle of this, and i really just don’t know what i’d do in that scenario.
it feels like i’m being forced to side with either one of my parents, and i’m going to never hear the end of it regardless of what i do. i seriously need help – i don’t know where to start with this situation.
tl;dr: father and sister have been in longstanding cold war with mother, and i’m the only one that frequently talks to both sides. sister is booking a vacation soon without my mother, and her and my father have been telling me not to tell her anything about it. i fear telling them i don’t want to go, and i fear the argument that’ll happen after i go with them. please help me figure out what to do
13 comments
In the meantime you can set up your mother for a date with a divorce attorney.
Are you all under the same roof!? This is so messed up…..
Do your parents still live together?
… if so, why?
Damn. I can’t imagine living in a house with that dynamic! You must feel like you’re in a war zone (because you kinda are). I think you need to just tell your sister not to book you a ticket for this vacation. Don’t let them use you in their war against your mother. And if your dad and sister really don’t want your mom to know about this secret vacation, what are they gonna do? Freak out at you in front of her? At any rate, you’re 18 and you don’t have to go just because your father wants you to. Tell them you would like to remain neutral in this war and you won’t be helping them give a big F You to your mother by going on a vacation that excludes her. And that they can’t force you to lie to your mother.
I’m so sorry you will be quite ill with covid mid-January and unable to travel. Hope you feel better very soon!
Decide for yourself whether or not this is a trip you want to go on. Disregard any conflict within your family. You know when and where you’re supposed to be going and with whom. If you choose to go then I think you should honor your father and sister’s directive about not telling your mother. You don’t have to be the peacemaker if you don’t want to be (and I certainly don’t blame you for not wanting to be.) Don’t let yourself get caught up in any arguments before or after this trip, regardless of your decision. You can even go so far as to flat-out tell your family that any issue between them is just that ; between them and has nothing to do with you and you’re not going to be a part of it.
Probably the worst option is “go but also keep the secret for them.”
Either deciding not to go, or going but telling your mom that you are going and when and with whom, are completely reasonable options. You’ll have to decide based on your knowledge of the family dynamics which would be least bad for you.
I’m sorry your family is like this.
Your sister is free to buy a vacation for whoever she wants to, but to recruit you and your father to deliberately exclude your mother is intentionally hurtful. Does your father want to be divorced? Because that would be a marriage ending event for most people. How long has your father been trying to pit you kids against mom? Because he is not an innocent party.
You don’t to side with mom or dad/sister. Pick your own side and set boundaries. I would probably give your mom a heads up because no one likes to be blindsided, and it sounds like you have more integrity than the rest of your family. Then remove yourself from this household asap. Maybe look at schooling or jobs on the other side of the country, because there is nothing like distance to make a family more tolerable.
Are they married or no?
Oh my. You need to tell her.
Your 18 years old and for God’s sake stand up for yourself. Right now your living in a toxic place you don’t have to go an a vacation stop letting your sister walk dictate everything. And if your father says anything I would simply say go live with your daughter. As for your mom put her in her place if she goes off on you. If I was you I would have left disappeared the second I turned 18 and ghosted all of them. Living life with peace and quiet yes it will be extremely but I would rather be homeless then have to deal with three toxic people that is family. Do what you want if you don’t want to go on this vacation then tell them your not going and that is final
This is above your pay grade. You are 18. No disrespect but you’re still in the middle of your development into an adult. Meanwhile you are surrounded by people seemingly incapable of handling conflict responsibly.
Here’d be my general advice: Move out. Get a job. Any job. Whatever earns you enough so you can afford a room somewhere. And get out of this hellhole.
Then I’d tell them that I’ve had it with this constant fighting and nobody being reasonable. I’m sick of living in a household filled with hate. And since none of them are able to work things out like level headed adults, I’m done. I’m picking the only good side in all of this. Me.
You can keep in touch if you want. But don’t let yourself get dragged into them. They want to force you to chose. Don’t leg yourself be a pawn. Pick yourself.
You shouldn’t go. Not even to side with your mom. Just to stay out of drama.
Practice saying that you are staying out of it. Practice saying that you are not their go-between. Practice leaving the room when they expect you to mediate. All you can control is you anyway. Their arguments are theirs to have. Keep out of it. If they get mad at you, keep disengaging. I am not sure there are any arguments you can make to peirce their crazy anyway.