My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We met when I was 18 and him 21. We now have two kids, 4m and 1.5f.
Over the years I have worked on myself a lot. Through therapy and a lot of reflection and just genuinely wanting to be a better person. I really enjoy the person I have worked to be and I’m proud of myself for doing the hard work.
Early on in our relationship I didn’t even realize my effort for keep our partnership exciting and loving wasn’t being reciprocated. I did everything and I guess that set the tone for the rest of our relationship. After having our kids I’m just too tired to keep trying. We are roommates. I’m tired of being the only one interested in still getting to know him or find out what’s on his mind. I’m the only one who ever initiates sex. Everything is just one sided. If I don’t share my feelings of loneliness or sadness he thinks everything is fine. I recognize that he may not be able to my needs.
Lately I’ve just felt a shift in myself. I’m no longer the one to bridge the gap or start a conversation or initiate intimacy. I stuff my feelings down and try to express them some other way privately. And of course he hasn’t done anything to make up for my lack of effort. I’m having a hard time dealing with my feelings. I want to hug him, I want to lay with him and share my feelings, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I long for someone who is right there, within my reach, but I leave myself with nothing when I put myself out there. I know I deserve everything I’ve asked for. It’s hard to let go. It actually feels like my heart is breaking.
I fantasize about coming home to a person who is excited to see me, someone who takes the time to make me feel special, someone who expresses their love and interest in me. I want someone to share my whole life with.