When a friend is sick or in need, I’m (19F) willing to help out however and I always message or call to let them know that.
I recently messaged a friend (22M) who was sick to let them know I was happy to help out or stop at the store if they need anything. We’re in college so not everyone has family here and there’s a lot of stores in walking distance of us, so I didn’t think much of it.
He respectfully declined and made it a point that I realize his girlfriend was caring for him (all really respectfully and kindly). I said I was glad to hear it and wished him a speedy recovery.
But now I’m worried it often seems like I’m overstepping?
I’ve had guys often hit on me in a “testing the waters” type sense when I had no interest in them, so I worry I sometimes give off the wrong vibe when I genuinely just want to help out.
I’m especially worried about giving this vibe off f to my taken guy friends as I truly don’t want to disrespect any relationship. I have a feeling I’ve given offf this vibe before (except I usually don’t realize maybe I overstepped until after the fact :/), but I think the girlfriends usually let it slide because I’m usually just as good friends with the girl and they know I’d do the same thing for them hence why I’ve gone unconfronted, but I neeed to get a better sense of boundaries because of situations like today where someone might get the wrong vibe or bc I won’t always know the girlfriend and she might not know my intentions.
Part of my issue is that my texts are lengthy and. That can definitely give an overbearing and care too much vibe— I’m working on that
This is particularly an issue with my guy friends, my girl friends always understand my intentions.
Anyways, When is too much to do for a friend? How do you let your friends know you’re there for them without seeming overbearing?
Obviously no one can give me hard and fast rules but if you have any helpful cues or tips to help me tread water more carefully, I’d appreciate it.
tl;dr
guys (& sometimes their girlfriends) often misunderstand my platonic intentions when I try to support them (e.g. when sick or stressed). Any tips to recognize & respect their emotional boundaries?
edits:
(1) wanted to give a blanket thank you to everyone for their contributions! Maybe this all seems very obvious to you, but this is my first time having real friends. I had an odd childhood, so I’m still learning a lot of the simple social rules people learned when they were younger😅 I appreciate everyone’s help!
(2) I also wanted to echo something I’ve mentioned in previous comments: i won’t stop loving people! I appreciate all the kind words, and please understand this isn’t some self deprecating post.
I absolutely will continue to love and care for my friends, but it’s important to me that I recognize and adjust to the unique emotional boundaries of the people in my life.
(3) my responses are starting to get a bit repetitive, so I might not respond. Please do know your honesty has been appreciated & y’all have really helped me see perspectives I was struggling to realize before.
thanks again🧡
29 comments
You’re fine the way you are, don’t change a thing.
If anyone gets a vibe, no problem, as, should they decide to act on the vibe, you will correct them, yes?
Don’t alter your behavior to forestall potential misconstrued reactions from others. That way lies madness.
I think a good idea is to just say something short and sweet like: “Hey friend! Heard you were sick/down/etc. Let me know if I can help in any way. I’m here for ya!”
Yea for example, if a guy offered to take care of my fiancé if she was sick I’d be pretty pissed. In my opinion it’s usually the significant other’s act of kindness to do so.
What kind of sick were they? If it was a cold or something, I think that’s too much to offer. Usually people just say I hope you feel better. These days people can order food to their doorstep, and since he’s an adult, if he needs help, I’m sure he will reach out. Perhaps just say next time, “I hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything.” When you give specifics, it sounds more solidified.
You are a kind person, and you should never feel like you have to tone it down for others.
If you feel like you HAVE to be there for people and give them attention, then I’d suggest taking time to reflect on why you do things the way you do.
Otherwise, they are your vibes. Own em.
I think if you guy friends test the waters it isn’t a sign you’re doing anything wrong, it’s a sign that they see you as a catch which means you’re doing things right.
I think that the idea that it is weird or inappropriate to be a kind and generous friend to male friends with no sexual expectation is a big part of what is wrong with gender dynamics in the modern world. I’m glad you’re being decent despite the weird system we’re in, definitely don’t stop.
That’s nice u wana do that, but I’d also be upset if another girl was offering to take care of my bf. It sounds like u mean well, but just giving u some context.
If someone just has a cold sending a wall of text is overkill. Save it for something more serious.
If you must send something keep it short and sweet. “I heard you were sick. Let me know if you need anything.”
If you were dating a guy and he received a text like the ones you send, how would you feel about it?
I would just keep it simple. “Hope you feel better. If you need anything let me know”
That way if they do you can help or if they reply that their partner can assist you simply say “good, glad to hear that!”
Pre covid – I would just say “hope you feel better” but given that some people have more intense covid symptoms throwing in the “if you need anything” is fine for now.
Honestly I’m the same way. Sometimes it causes problems and sometimes it doesn’t. Your kindness will 100% get confused with flirting sometimes, it happens to me sometimes and if that happens then I just blatantly tell them that it wasn’t the case. I don’t think you should stop being kind because someone may take it the wrong way. There’s not enough kindness in the world.
I’m sorry I have no advice but you sound like a truly beautiful friend and person, I think people can be a little weird about accepting help when they are vulnerable so I wouldn’t worry to much and if the friends that don’t appreciate how rare and amazing you are well that’s their loss.
reading your post and replies to comments, it’s very clear that you have a lot of insight and a genuine concern for others.
I just want to say: keep in mind that most people are not in a caregiver frame of mind 24/7, so it may come across as uncomfortable. I have been there before.
also, ask yourself to what end is your compassionate behavior for? this isn’t to imply it’s phony or self-serving. there might be an underlying issue behind this drive, such as “experiential avoidance” or a compulsion to be approved of
I get where you are coming from, but IMO you are overstepping bc he is in a relationship. If I was that guy’s girlfriend, I would be super annoyed if another girl was offering to do the things that I would do for him. It may come off as you trying to get in the middle or having feelings for him, which threatens their relationship. With that, you are putting him in a tough position to have to decline your help and also possibly explain to his gf why another girl is even offering. The simple response would be “hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything”.
There’s nothing worse than lengthy texts – it’s good you realize and are working on it.
Love to see self awareness 😊
Maybe switch to just checking in if you know that a close friend hasn’t been feeling well. So it’s a “Just saying hey! Are you feeling any better?” Over offering to physically care for them etc. This is especially for those in relationships.
And your post just made me realize I haven’t had a single genuine male friend in my lifetime….not for not wanting to but it’s tough when people get in relationships and most men that talk to me find something attractive about me. Lines can easily get blurred in my opinion. I have and had work buddies who are male. We don’t communicate outside of work though. I also am cool with my partners friends enough to share a meme here & there or coordinate a plan for the group of friends but we’re not confiding deeply or anything.
which college u go to?
Maybe I’m in the minority, but I think you both handled things appropriately. You kindly offered to help, he politely declined and explained that his gf is taking care of him. Idk, I see no issue with this interaction. I always offer to take care of friends, I guess I never thought that was weird? It’s not like you offered to give him a sponge bath lol.
One thing I like to do in these situations, as well as in larger ones like death or divorce, is to actually DO something, not just offer it.
“Hey, I heard your”re not feeling well and I just made a huge pot of chicken soup. I can swing by and drop some off.” Maybe ask to walk their dog on a walk through the park because you would enjoy that and they don’t have to take care of the dog for an afternoon. Simple stuff like that. And if they say no, you still have soup and can go take a walk.
If you can’t find something to do that they can easily say yes or no to, then don’t force them to interact with you further. Let them know you’re there if they need anything (the plain nicety) and go on with your life. If you are close with someone, you will know what they need and can offer to help with something specific. If you aren’t close enough to offer more than generic help, then don’t try and push it. Doing so forces someone who is stressed or sick to have to spend mental energy they don’t have: reading, thinking and responding multiple times takes time they might not want to give anyone.
Edited an autocorrect.
As long as you don’t press after they decline your invitation you should be fine.
For overstepping just ask yourself: would a male friend do this? If the answer is yes, then you are good. If it’s no, then you probably shouldn’t offer.
So — help a friend move? Run an outside errand? Drive them some place? Sure. Offer to wash their clothes or cook their meals or clean their house. Nope. Pay for their stuff — no.
From my perspective offering to do a grocery run for a friend who is sick and lives alone is absolutely within the friendship realm. If his girlfriend is doing the run for him, good to know he’s being taken care of.
The one thing I would ask for clarification on is if his girlfriend is the jealous type. If so, then you really do need to back off and stick to group activities. But don’t let that stop you from offering to help out your other friends when they are in need.
Edit– oh it was for a cold — no a friend wouldn’t offer that. Dude can go get his own groceries. Covid or a broken leg would be another matter.
You seem like a nice person. Please try not to change too much.
Many people (myself included) feel a certain way about accepting help. For me, a big part of it is people seeing me when I’m vulnerable, my house is a mess, I look a mess and feel like crap. I don’t want anyone in my space when I’m that way.
A second complex issue is that I’ve experienced a lot of conditional help from others, help that ended up later having strings attached. So I’m at the point now where I’d rather not accept the help and feel like I’m obligated later.
Many people when they offer to help are just saying that to be nice, they don’t really mean it, so I’d rather not take advantage of that.
I’ve never had a friend do this. While I would appreciate it, it seems like something you need to work on in your relationships because I don’t think it’s the norm. However I do want to say you seem like a great friend to have and very caring.
for platonic friends I’m usually not going to offer to bring them food or meds unless it’s something serious like COVID or cancer. I think there is subtext that you don’t have much going on if you have time to make care packages for every friend who gets a cold? Combined with overstepping into the role a significant other usually plays.
But, sending a “feel better soon!” Or “sending healing thoughts your way” to me, is basic friend decency. And I err on the side of always telling people I care. Those who are weirded out are telling me a lot about themselves. I’ve developed close friendships from the people who DID really appreciate it.
The sad thing here is you’re not really doing anything wrong. It’s just that so many guys don’t get positive attention from females, even if it’s just as a caring friend that they often don’t know how to react.
Caring for your friends and wanting what’s best for them is a rare and beautiful thing. But sometimes, you might find yourself wondering if you’re overstepping in your role as a friend. Here a sign that may indicate you need to back off:
1. Your friend starts pulling away from you
If your friend starts distancing themselves from you, it may be a sign that they feel like you’re too involved in their life. They may need some space to sort things out on their own, and it’s important to respect their wishes. Back off and give them the time and space they need they’ll be sure to appreciate it.
You can offer and they can accept or not.
In my opinion you can always offer and regardless how they treat that or regardless of what they think of your intentions being platonic or romantic that’s on them.
The reason I say this is that there are a lot of people who don’t have somebody to help them and take care of them, and they very much would like that somebody had offered that.
Or even if they have a lot of people in their life but in times of sickness like this they may realize that their friends weren’t even thinking about them and somebody else is. So that’s why you can’t even assume that somebody who has a lot of friends or family nearby might be having someone to take care of them when they don’t.
So make an offer and the other person can accept or not
Well that’s where the vibe you’re giving I can at least say that sometimes I want to help somebody but I choose the words as if I’m helping the both of them.
So for example let’s say I have a female friend who’s sick, and maybe I want to take her some chicken noodle soup, but maybe I don’t know her partner that well. So I won’t say it as “i want to bring some chicken noodle soup for you while you’re sick.”
Instead I’ll say something like “hey I wanted to bring some chicken noodle soup and some other food for you and your husband or you and your boyfriend or even you and the kids , while you’re sick and under the weather.”
In that way, I’m clearly acknowledging the other relationships they have from the nearby people who may be taking care of them , or who may be depending on them, without making the implication that I’m only helping them because I have some ulterior motive.
Usually if i’m worried about overstepping or offending someone I make it a point to involve whomever might be offended. For example in this situation maybe texting the gf and letting her know you’re there to help them both or addressing them as a couple when texting the guy, like “I know [___] probably has it handled but wanted to let y’all know i’m free to help if you need it!”