Well the reason im writing this post is due to something that happened a few days ago.
i met up w this girl a few days ago who I hadn’t seen in six months
i knew her from senior year and liked her- i told her she didn’t feel the same way (for prom). But she was very nice about it the whole time and I honestly don’t have anything bad to say about her cuz she’s genuinely a very good person.
Ironically we got pretty close after she rejected me and it felt like she was someone who genuinely enjoyed my presence and someone who I could vibe with. I knew she didn’t like me but i was actually fine w being friends cuz she’s j a rlly cool person and someone who actually cared about me. We got very close over summer talking daily and texting till like 4am lol.
So after summer of senior year we both went to different colleges (she’s halfway across the country for me) so i felt like i started to move on during the first sem of college but i did think of her from time to time.
We still texted nearly everyday during college and it was j rlly fun cause it felt like we were friends and I didn’t expect anything from her vice versa, and we j enjoyed talking to each other.
Now coming back to a few days ago I go see her at the mall (where we agreed to meet up) and all of it comes back as in everything i felt towards her comes back and i felt like i couldn’t take my eyes of her and all the things i liked ab her the first time was like 10x stronger and i felt like i fell in love with her while i was there. I was on cloud 9 and I didn’t want it to stop. We went to every store in the mall and eventually got tired so we went to one of the beds in a store and layed down and we j talking and vibing.
Then she starts talking about dating n shit and in my head im tryna prepare myself like ok being realistic she prolly dated someone or smth cuz its college. But then she said she doing fwb w some guy there since the start of the semester and I swear I just shut down when she said that.
I didn’t react to it or anything cuz I didn’t wanna be an ass. And we still had a lot of fun the rest of the day but it felt like a blur being honest. I went home and I went straight to my room and just sat in front of a wall till 2am just wondering what’s wrong with me.
It’s just such a weird feeling because I’ve been rejected a lot (by every girl I’ve liked lol) and I’ve made sure to improve and genuinely be a better because of it. The pattern is typically I like someone for 6 months (who is a friend (9ppl thru HS)) but they don’t feel the same way. While those stung this just felt so different. I was just crying that whole night and cutting cuz I felt so stupid. I feel like an actual clown , like while I was texting her being all excited and having this girl on my mind, she’s there fucking some other guy and doing all sorts of stuff with him. Like what does that make me if not just someone who’s just an utter joke.
To say I feel pathetic is an understatement at the moment. Like im used to getting rejected because I wasn’t good enough but this feels like I was never even an option and just worthless.
And the worst part is I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. Because she never did anything wrong, she never treated me wrong and doesn’t owe me anything. She’s been nothing but a kind person to me. Im fully aware it’s her choice but at the same time I just feel so broken right now.
It just feels like every time I like someone it never works out with me and I wish I knew what I was doing wrong or what to do right because every time I get rejected or it doesn’t work out I genuinely take a look at myself and wanna be a better person and make sure I get there. But I still don’t get anywhere with love or relationships. Ive been hurt before but this instance makes me feel broken beyond repair.
And with my current situation I don’t know what to do. A part of me really wants to tell her everything I feel like I still like her and I’ve loved spending time with her but im almost 100% sure she doesn’t feel the same way- and that woulr put her in a weird place too. But another side wants to just never talk to her again but that’s an incredibly crappy thing to do cuz she’s a good person and ghosting someone is super shitty. And my last option is to just resume things and treat everything normally (texting her) but I feel like I can’t do this right now. Every time I see her pics or even open my messages and see her name I just feel sick.
I feel so lost and worthless with everything right now , help